Persevering through trauma

LearningToLetGo

LearningToLetGo

Hi Guys,

I told you I would write a bit about myself when I had time. Well, I have time. :)

I'm new to Christ, having been raised in a secular household. My first experience with the Bible was when I lived briefly in Kansas after separation from the US Army. A group of Gideons where passing out pocket Bibles at my school and I accepted one. I don't know what called me to do that, but it was that small gesture that opened the door. Ironically it wasn't until a decade later that I started actually reading the Bible, but at least I carried it with me (literally -- I carried it in my jacket breast pocket).

When I began reading the Bible I started with the books of Moses. That was a hard read since it's full of judgement. In fact, I had to read it twice over a several year span before it sunk in, and I'm glad I did. When the pandemic started in early 2020 I realized right away that I was witnessing not the struggle of man against man but spiritual warfare, of which man was caught unawares. This inspired me to read the Bible again, with great intention. I started with Joshua and worked through most of the OT, then read the entire NT. In fact, I have been studying the NT in depth, taking notes and underlining passages. Yes, I write in my Bible - at least in one copy I own.

Turning to the Christ via the Bible has literally saved my life. You see, earlier this year I fell deathly ill. I ended up in the hospital ICU for over a month and nearly died not once but twice. For a while I was kept in a medical coma. It was during that time I dreamed fantastical dreams that to this day I still confuse with reality. One of those dreams took me to Hell where I met the Devil. I really thought I was dead. The Devil appeared before me and told me that he would release me from Hell's torment if I but promised to serve him. Even in my dream state I saw through that trap and told him to leave my presence, them immediately began praying to Jesus for salvation. Shortly after the dream ended and I awoke after ten days unconscious. This was Easter Sunday.

My wife was there when I awoke. She called it a miracle. The doctors also were amazed. They had been preparing her for the worst. I know it was Jesus who saved me. He rescued me from damnation. He gave me my life back.

Now I am on the mend, so to speak. After 68 days in hospital I am back home and recovering. My body is almost fully healed and I am regaining my strength. I still take daily medication and will forever be reliant on a form of chemo-therapy to control an auto-immune response but the doctors say I can live a normal life. Grace to God! Amen.

Since my return I have been studying the epistles of Paul. Before my illness I did not "get" Paul. His writing was strange to me. But since my return I see the overflowing love he has for the early church and for the brethren, of which I consider myself a part. It's amazing how a man writing from almost two thousand years ago speaks so clearly to my heart! He is truly helping me work through this experience and bolstering my spirit for the work that God is placing before me.

I'm still dealing with trauma. In fact, last night the fireworks (4th of July - I'm in the USA) caused me a bit of a panic attack. The loud noises and flashes really upset me, but my wife wanted to see them so we did. It was difficult, one of those things that people either understand or don't. No way to explain it. I pray daily. I pray throughout the day. God is forever on my mind. We have a bond since my illness that I guess was always there but before it was mainly one-way: God to me. Now it's two-way, although I seem to do most of the talking. God listens patiently and comforts me when I need it.

Love.
Humility.
Patience.
Trust.

These are the virtues that God is teaching me. Love for him. Love for myself as his beloved child. And love for all mankind since we are each and every one of us precious in his eyes. Humility in that it's not all about me. This reality belongs to God. I'm here to learn from him. Patience: God works at his pace, not mine. Sometimes I just have to wait. And trust -- God has a plan, and that plan is good. I, you, and everyone who is, ever was, and ever will be is part of that plan. Trust in God. Keep the faith.

That's it for now. Perhaps I'll write more in the future. If you have read this far then thank you.

Jason
 
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Great Testimony, thanks.

I love reading peoples life stories, especially after a struggle and how they came back after trauma.

incidentally, I can relate to your dreams and how they seem to have a significance and symbolic to what is happening in your internal world.

I too had a dream that I was being pulled out of my body by some invisible hands the night before I became very ill and had to go to hospital. I had a kidney stone and it got stuck and could of needed an operation and I was in great pain. in the dream I remember saying no i'm not leaving my body and fought with all my strength, and whoever they were, they let me go and I woke up shocked. it was quite intense and seemed so real.

Glad to hear your on the mendšŸ˜Š
 
Thank you everyone who replied to or liked this thread. I feel the best way to heal emotional wounds is to acknowledge them openly and fearlessly. There is no shame in admitting pain.

Since my ICU stay my mental health has been surprisingly good. Now that I am home and physically healing, I can feel the emotional cysts that formed when my body was broken start to shift and move. I fully expect them to begin popping, so to speak, and when that happens I may experience psychological relapses in the form of anxiety or even panic attacks. Talking about it now will help me, or at least I believe it will.

Thank you for letting me vent my feelings.

"Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christā€™s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong." (2 Corinthians 12:10)
 
Jason, I'm new, too. Thank you for your service. My grandfather who died when my dad was only eight died in a V.A. hospital. Granddaddy fought in World War I. My dad spent 20 years in the army. My husband's oldest brother served in Vietnam twice. Then my husband (he was youngest of four boys) joined the army years later and served 21 years. He passed away of cancer. I wasn't what you'd call an army brat because my parents divorced when I was in third grade. Back then (in the fifties) the mother nearly always got custody of the kids.

God bless you and thank you for joining! I get a little excited when I meet veterans. And sometime I'll tell how I became a Christian out of non-Christian parents and five siblings that my mother raised.
 
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Desiring More Truth said:
Jason, I'm new, too. Thank you for your service.
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You are welcome, but that was a long time ago. I haven't worn a uniform since the nineties.

Regarding trauma, today has been a mixed bag. Everything is quiet on the outside. Work is slow. I have almost no stress. Yet several times I found myself crying. It feels like mourning, which I guess it is -- mourning for the old me who died when I fell ill.

"The King is dead. Long live the King."

I wrote the word 'abused' in my journal. I suffered abuse. I was abused in my body. I was abused in my mind. I was abused in my emotion. I was victimized. I was helpless at the mercy of forces out of my control. I had no control. (Don't misunderstand me. We none of us have control. Never had. Control is an illusion. It's just I was stripped of that illusion. That's part of the "old man" being stripped away to make room for the new. Again, mourning )

It was in this state that I turned to Jesus, in great measure because I could do no else, but also because I felt his call to me.

ā€œFor whom he did foreknow, he also did predestinate to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brethren.ā€ (Romans 8:29)

Jesus can be a tough drill sergeant.

Today was unexpectedly difficult. Who knows what tomorrow will bring.
 
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I will pray for you. I promise. I've suffered a lot of depression and it got worse this year. I told the doctor and she wanted to put me on more depression meds. I thought, "This stupid!" and threw out my antidepressants. Satan attacked me; things went wrong and I was crying a lot. I prayed. God told me that I'm not the only one with problems; people are afraid to tell others. This is not suggesting that anyone, and especially you, ignore the doctor. The reason I'm sharing is because it's okay to cry. It's embarrassing. "Jesus wept." If He wept, so can we! Anyway I started crying in front of a woman I just met; she understood my pain. Her child is in prison! We can survive, Jason! I'm in your corner, but more importantly, God is with you. I was once worried about what God would want me to endure. A Christian tried to cheer me up. I was annoyed because she didn't know what I'd have to endure. Well, God does use our trials to teach us how to help others. He taught me to care deeply about others.

My first grandchild is totally blind. His mother went to college and learned how to teach the blind. Isn't that awesome? She's a teacher now.

When my mother-in-law was dying from emphysema the doctor put her on a ventilator which she'd never be able to breathe without. I'm no theologian or brilliant person, but I wrote her a letter and told her what Jesus had gone through for us. The nurse read the letter to her often.
I wasn't there when she passed away and I'm sorry she had to die that way, but I hope she was trustng Jesus to take her to heaven.

You can remember every day that I care. And hopefully find another vet who has struggled like you are. There are many who are struggling.

Some of our experiences are blessings; others are lessons. Find a way to use your lessons to help others. Use your resources to find help others (DAV and V.A.). I'm a shy uneducated person, but the internet is how I can reach out.

GOD BLESS YOU!

I have to go do laundry and go to a family birthday party tomorrow so might not be back until Friday.
 
LearningToLetGo said:
Hi Guys,

I told you I would write a bit about myself when I had time. Well, I have time. :)

I'm new to Christ, having been raised in a secular household. My first experience with the Bible was when I lived briefly in Kansas after separation from the US Army. A group of Gideons where passing out pocket Bibles at my school and I accepted one. I don't know what called me to do that, but it was that small gesture that opened the door. Ironically it wasn't until a decade later that I started actually reading the Bible, but at least I carried it with me (literally -- I carried it in my jacket breast pocket).

When I began reading the Bible I started with the books of Moses. That was a hard read since it's full of judgement. In fact, I had to read it twice over a several year span before it sunk in, and I'm glad I did. When the pandemic started in early 2020 I realized right away that I was witnessing not the struggle of man against man but spiritual warfare, of which man was caught unawares. This inspired me to read the Bible again, with great intention. I started with Joshua and worked through most of the OT, then read the entire NT. In fact, I have been studying the NT in depth, taking notes and underlining passages. Yes, I write in my Bible - at least in one copy I own.

Turning to the Christ via the Bible has literally saved my life. You see, earlier this year I fell deathly ill. I ended up in the hospital ICU for over a month and nearly died not once but twice. For a while I was kept in a medical coma. It was during that time I dreamed fantastical dreams that to this day I still confuse with reality. One of those dreams took me to Hell where I met the Devil. I really thought I was dead. The Devil appeared before me and told me that he would release me from Hell's torment if I but promised to serve him. Even in my dream state I saw through that trap and told him to leave my presence, them immediately began praying to Jesus for salvation. Shortly after the dream ended and I awoke after ten days unconscious. This was Easter Sunday.

My wife was there when I awoke. She called it a miracle. The doctors also were amazed. They had been preparing her for the worst. I know it was Jesus who saved me. He rescued me from damnation. He gave me my life back.

Now I am on the mend, so to speak. After 68 days in hospital I am back home and recovering. My body is almost fully healed and I am regaining my strength. I still take daily medication and will forever be reliant on a form of chemo-therapy to control an auto-immune response but the doctors say I can live a normal life. Grace to God! Amen.

Since my return I have been studying the epistles of Paul. Before my illness I did not "get" Paul. His writing was strange to me. But since my return I see the overflowing love he has for the early church and for the brethren, of which I consider myself a part. It's amazing how a man writing from almost two thousand years ago speaks so clearly to my heart! He is truly helping me work through this experience and bolstering my spirit for the work that God is placing before me.

I'm still dealing with trauma. In fact, last night the fireworks (4th of July - I'm in the USA) caused me a bit of a panic attack. The loud noises and flashes really upset me, but my wife wanted to see them so we did. It was difficult, one of those things that people either understand or don't. No way to explain it. I pray daily. I pray throughout the day. God is forever on my mind. We have a bond since my illness that I guess was always there but before it was mainly one-way: God to me. Now it's two-way, although I seem to do most of the talking. God listens patiently and comforts me when I need it.

Love.
Humility.
Patience.
Trust.

These are the virtues that God is teaching me. Love for him. Love for myself as his beloved child. And love for all mankind since we are each and every one of us precious in his eyes. Humility in that it's not all about me. This reality belongs to God. I'm here to learn from him. Patience: God works at his pace, not mine. Sometimes I just have to wait. And trust -- God has a plan, and that plan is good. I, you, and everyone who is, ever was, and ever will be is part of that plan. Trust in God. Keep the faith.

That's it for now. Perhaps I'll write more in the future. If you have read this far then thank you.

Jason
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Desiring More Truth said:
I will pray for you. I promise. I've suffered a lot of depression and it got worse this year. I told the doctor and she wanted to put me on more depression meds. I thought, "This stupid!" and threw out my antidepressants. Satan attacked me; things went wrong and I was crying a lot. I prayed. God told me that I'm not the only one with problems; people are afraid to tell others. This is not suggesting that anyone, and especially you, ignore the doctor. The reason I'm sharing is because it's okay to cry. It's embarrassing. "Jesus wept." If He wept, so can we! Anyway I started crying in front of a woman I just met; she understood my pain. Her child is in prison! We can survive, Jason! I'm in your corner, but more importantly, God is with you. I was once worried about what God would want me to endure. A Christian tried to cheer me up. I was annoyed because she didn't know what I'd have to endure. Well, God does use our trials to teach us how to help others. He taught me to care deeply about others.

My first grandchild is totally blind. His mother went to college and learned how to teach the blind. Isn't that awesome? She's a teacher now.

When my mother-in-law was dying from emphysema the doctor put her on a ventilator which she'd never be able to breathe without. I'm no theologian or brilliant person, but I wrote her a letter and told her what Jesus had gone through for us. The nurse read the letter to her often.
I wasn't there when she passed away and I'm sorry she had to die that way, but I hope she was trustng Jesus to take her to heaven.

You can remember every day that I care. And hopefully find another vet who has struggled like you are. There are many who are struggling.

Some of our experiences are blessings; others are lessons. Find a way to use your lessons to help others. Use your resources to find help others (DAV and V.A.). I'm a shy uneducated person, but the internet is how I can reach out.

GOD BLESS YOU!

I have to go do laundry and go to a family birthday party tomorrow so might not be back until Friday.
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Hello Jason and Desiring More Truth;

Thank you for sharing your testimonies! I loved your interaction with each other but with the whole CFS family.

In our community when I speak with Christians whether new babes or seasoned believers, some get a sense of overwhelmness because they don't know where to start when we are led to share the Gospel.

"Just share your story the way you share your story."

Preserving through trauma ministered to me and gave me bread for thought.

God bless you, Jason and sister Desiring More Truth, and may the Lord continue to guide you in your daily walk.





 
Went for a walk yesterday. Just me and my wife. Walked about 1.3 miles -- a personal best since returning home. Met a neighbor who has been nursing his wife after she fell ill last year. We spoke about the emotional toll after surviving serious illness, how it feels like mourning. He understood and confessed he had broken down in tears just that morning. It was a very touching admitting, a bonding moment.

A month ago my wife was unsure I would ever really walk again. Healing is a gift from God. Hallelujah. Amen.
 
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LearningToLetGo said:
Separation is a tool of the Devil. God joins us together. Never be afraid to cry, or laugh, to weep or dance. Those who love you will appreciate your candor. In Christ we are unified. In him we are one.

Thank you for your very kind words. ā¤šŸ™ā¤
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Yes, and thank you! I promised I would pray for you. It's a blessing to do so! I hope you're having a good day. This is another day that the Lord has made!
 
LearningToLetGo said:
Went for a walk yesterday. Just me and my wife. Walked about 1.3 miles -- a personal best since returning home. Met a neighbor who has been nursing his wife after she fell ill last year. We spoke about the emotional toll after surviving serious illness, how it feels like mourning. He understood and confessed he had broken down in tears just that morning. It was a very touching admitting, a bonding moment.

A month ago my wife was unsure I would ever really walk again. Healing is a gift from God. Hallelujah. Amen.
Click to expand...

God bless your neighbor and everyone who is struggling physically or emotionally.

2 Corinthians 1
3 Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; 4Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God. 5For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also aboundeth by Christ.

Congratulations on your walk ---- that is AMAZING!
 
bobinfaith said:
Hello Jason and Desiring More Truth;

Thank you for sharing your testimonies! I loved your interaction with each other but with the whole CFS family.

In our community when I speak with Christians whether new babes or seasoned believers, some get a sense of overwhelmness because they don't know where to start when we are led to share the Gospel.

"Just share your story the way you share your story."

Preserving through trauma ministered to me and gave me bread for thought.

God bless you, Jason and sister Desiring More Truth, and may the Lord continue to guide you in your daily walk.
Click to expand...
Thank you and I praise the Lord for your encouragement. Ever onward, Christian soldiers!
 
Gonna go shopping today. The weather is nice - a mild, sunny Pacific Northwest July afternoon. Fred Meyer awaits! Perhaps I'll pick up a nice new cane so I can look even more dapper while strolling the neighborhood. :)

Just finished Barclay's commentary on Romans. Romans, Ephesians, and Corinthians are perhaps my favorite books in the Bible -- at least right now. Paul's words speak to me. He is a great comfort at this time since he understands what it is to suffer and does not shy away from sharing his triumph over pain via the Lord Jesus Christ.
 
LearningToLetGo said:
Gonna go shopping today. The weather is nice - a mild, sunny Pacific Northwest July afternoon. Fred Meyer awaits! Perhaps I'll pick up a nice new cane so I can look even more dapper while strolling the neighborhood. :)
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Hello LearningToLetGo;

Fred Meyer? That's a name from the past. Good for you! I don't mean to get off topic but I'm getting off topic! lol!

In the late 90s a church group from Washington traveled down to our church and we hosted the members for a long weekend. The leader was an executive manager from Fred Meyer.

So when my wife and I visited my sister who used to live in Kent, she had a Fred Meyer across the street and I remember the store from church. So we went shopping and bought my sister a few things for her apartment.

We had a great time.
 
Another excerpt from my journal:

For one brief moment I reached the extent of my limit. This was in the hospital intensive care unit. It was the day of my relapse, when I suffered a horrible panic attack, was coughing up blood and could not breathe. I fell into a kind of stupor. I was neither awake nor dreaming but felt as if I were in both. It was a waking dream, an hallucination. Call it what you will.

From that vantage I knew I was dying. I knew that my breathing would grow progressively more labored and eventually not even the machines would keep me alive. Part of me was glad that the end was near. Life can be difficult, especially when your body is ill and your strength has left you. I thought of the man who only months before was vital with life and no longer knew who he was. I gazed upon myself lying in bed and saw a shell of a man, broken and useless, and in that moment did not believe that I would ever heal.

In short, I gave up.

I gave up only for a moment. Perhaps it was minutes, or maybe hours, but I gave up. I'm not proud of this. I have indeed always had so much to live for. It seems impossible that I would have failed to see this, but fail I did. I imagined the pain that my wife would feel in my death. I anguished over her grief, but knowledge of her anguish was not enough to turn my mind. I was dying and no power on Earth could stop that.

Fortunately a power not of this Earth came to my rescue.

Throughout my illness and infirmity I prayed to God and to Jesus every day. Jesus was my cornerstone upon which I depended. As I suffered unable to breathe and coughing blood into an oxygen mask, I imagined I was possessed of the Devil. Satan had me in his grasp. I told myself that God would save me, but every time I thought that I heard a voice in my head say, "Thou shalt not put the Lord thy God to the test." In other words, I could not expect God to rescue me, at least not by dramatically throwing Satan from me in a blaze of glory for all to witness.

Contrite and ashamed (and fearing for my immortal soul) I humbly apologized for my presumption and prayed for God to help me. I heard no obvious answer to my prayer but I did feel a slight calmness wash over me. As small as that was it was everything to me. Eventually the bleeding stopped and I could breathe again. It was then that I fell asleep. But after a short pause -- I don't know how long -- I awoke once more and the nightmare resumed. This process of nightmare, sleep, and nightmare again dragged on for hours. It was well past midnight before I slept deeply, and I suspect that was only after the doctors had once more placed me on a ventilation machine.

Jesus reproved me but he also rescued me. Although I may not have known it at the time, God never left my side.

Months have passed. It has been perhaps ten or eleven weeks since these events. That night I came face to face with Satan. I felt his hellfire within me. I felt it scorch my throat and lungs. He wanted to take me and almost did, but God in his mercy held me back. God kept me from falling into the abyss. God allowed me to feel the flames rising from the depths but never let go of me.

Thank you Lord for rescuing me. Thank you for not letting me go. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for protecting me. Thank you for giving me yet another chance at life. And thank you most of all for not widowing my wife.

You are strong so that I may be weak.

Jason
 
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