Betrayal

Lanolin

Lanolin

How do you deal with betrayal?
Like someone you thought was a friend only pretended to be your friend to get something from you or use you...you placed your trust in them, only for them to stab you in the back.
How do you know whom to trust? Especially christians..as they not immune..I seem to be betrayed more with church/religious ppl than my other friends.
I don't ask others to keep secrets (as only tell my secrets to God) I don't mean that I mean they just treat you badly and you thought you being nice to them but all along they just tolerating you and after you for their own gain or own reasons and you find out they don't even like you that much.
It really hurts. And they the one who wanted to be friends with you in the first place.
 
That is really a big question.
The short short short reply/advice/observation is a friend wants to give of themselves, the others want to take to themselves.
 
The problem for me is not what to do about betrayal, but how to forgive it. This is especially true because it involves most of my family over a lot of money. Whenever I sense someone is entertaining the thought of betraying me, I try to talk them out of it. But once their intentions and actions have reached the fullness of time and have come to a head, I force them to make their choice. Overwhelmingly their choice is betrayal. Upon that decision, I then cut off contact. If they don't follow(and never do) the confess/repent/atone formula then I sever all ties. I then am forced to find some way to forgiveness. I still won't have anything to do with them though as this would just encourage continued despicable behavior from them at my expense.
 
Wow, I could almost have written you post.
I think I have something of value to share with you. just now though I need to see to what Juk has posted and then it is my bed time. but in the morning.....(y)
 
Yes, confrontation is not pretty but it must be done. They have chosen to be that way and will not repent. I give them an opportunity to explain themselves but they refuse, always some excuse like 'i didnt want to hurt you' but they hurt more when they not being honest with you to begin with. Tricky.
Then turn it round trying to make you believe you the one in the wrong. I then cut off contact...but there seems to be something in me that will try to give them the benefit of the doubt. Is this good or bad? Im worried i have codependency issues and seem to be attracted to demanding, needy ppl. Or they are attracted to me for some reason and i cant say no. This is ppl pleasing which is wrong. It could get you killed one day to have sympathy with the devil.
 
Lanolin said:
How do you deal with betrayal?
.......you placed your trust in them, only for them to stab you in the back.
but all along they just tolerating you and after you for their own gain or own reasons and you find out they don't even like you that much.
It really hurts. And they the one who wanted to be friends with you in the first place.
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What is betrayal? Breaking a trust….

What trust that was broken? is that red underline the case of betrayal ? : )

I have a friend, and am guilty of also : )
a friend saying things to other people that they don't like a particular thing about a friend, is that a betrayal of friendship?
 
I don't really know what to tell you because the world can become very lonely and very scary as we cull people from our lives who intend harm toward us. We must realize that over 90% of the people we meet either want something we have or want us to help them get something they want...basically the overwhelming majority of people are manipulators. Most don't even realize they're opportunistic manipulators and so I wind up forcing them to look in a mirror and show them what they are attempting to do to me........but they STILL choose to do it. So very sad.
All I can say is try and find a small group of people(for me it is my wife and youngest son) and then be satisfied with those inner relationships. Don't be a people pleaser and learn to say no. Set boundaries.
 
Its true I did not have many friends before and was lonely..and then church ppl wanted to be friends with me and I thought great! But it did not turn out good in the end. After getting to know them that is. I couldnt isolate myself forever but its hard.

Im the kind of person that doesnt do superficial friendships but I was thinking maybe I should. They certainly want to keep me at arms length. By boundaries what specifically do you mean. Is there scripture for that?

Maybe i should put some walls up? Its very hard to do, i remember this is a picture of real life here, my mum not wanting any trees on our home property shading the house, and my dad cutting them down cos he wanted to view the sky. But I always craved some secure, private place where I could just be not so exposed to the world. I have to live in a world where people see me and constantly criticise. Saying i should do this or do that.

I dont want to shut evryone out either. But I found I had to do that more cos their friendships were not reciprocal, and the minute i find im complaining about a friend I realise i am not really their friend. And they were not one to me.
 
I also learned when ppl said I could 'use a friend' that really meant they wanted to USE you.
Often I say no to things and the one s that arent my true friends get all huffy. I learn to aceept that its healthy to say no, in fact, respect when ppl say no, but there others that will not take NO for an answer.
 
I would say, start by forgiving. Then treat those people only with love. Yes difficult one.
Should they reject this they will likely leave you in total as love is not what they are after, but you will not be the one suffering the offence, unforgiveness and bitterness that follows should you be inclined to such.
I think Dan near the lion has some good points also.
Strangely we also maintain a very small circle of friends, lovely, caring people with whom you want to share and walk the extra mile. That said, I enjoy to reach out the odd passer by just to present His light.
 
Lanolin said:
the minute i find im complaining about a friend I realise i am not really their friend. And they were not one to me.
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I have friend that I once rebuke privately: and the fire of friendship is now very cautious…

Proverbs 27:5-6
Open rebuke is better
Than love carefully concealed.
Faithful are the wounds of a friend,
But the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.

Another friend that I rebuke privately: and the fire our friendship grows

Proverbs 27:17New King James Version (NKJV)
As iron sharpens iron,
So a man sharpens the countenance of his friend.

It comes down to maturity of acceptance, I guess….or how we say the words…

Proverbs 12:18New King James Version (NKJV)
There is one who speaks like the piercings of a sword,
But the tongue of the wise promotes health
 
I can't say the boundaries I have learned to make and set are biblical but I o believe they may be biblically based.
I learned to set my boundaries like that of a dart board or archery target or any target I guess.
At the center is my bull'seye. In my bull'seye is myself and Christ. No one is to come between me and Christ. Not even my wife.
The first circle out is my wife. No one is to come between me and my wife.
The second circle out is my kids. No one outside that circle is to come between me, my wife and our kids.
Third circle out. Immediate family. Parents and siblings. No one come between my me and my immediate family.
Next circle out . Extended family.
Next. Friends.
Next. Church members
Next. Neighbors,co-workers,schoolmates, etc
Next. Acquaintences.
Next. Strangers.
To sum it up. Protect the confidentiality and trust of immediate family over extended family and family over all from anyone outside those inner circles. Charity begins at home the bible says.
 
That can work if you a husband with believing family.
My case different though. I just wondered who my circle will be when live with my parents who un beleivers but got some really good friends who are believers but dont live with them obviously. My unbelieving parents close to me physically but have learnt to put a distance between me and my mother. This very hard to do as she will just barge in but have learnt to say no, and i wont do this.
Sometimes bit of conflict for me as is that really honoring my parents?

But then Jesus said his true parents followed God and also our Father is our true Dad. he also said some of our enemies were in our own families and it would be divided. These days with housing it is very expensive to move out, I suppose thats why ppl get married but then if you dont have your parents blessing in ANYTHING, how can you do anything? My mum continues to curse me its very sad. She doesnt even realise shes doing this and thinks her curses help me. I ignore them though.
 
The target of boundaries I made up is for the ideal family. I physically drew it up as my own family and relationships disintigrated around me. You have a different set up and must draw one up for yourself that matches your particular situation. I had to do this boundary excerise because my situation got very confusing due to mine and others sinful behavior. I had to organize my relationships along with priorities. Sorting things out and putting boundaries on others as well as myself. Only then did the ship quit sinking, else I'd have wound up under a bridge alone and begging for money.
 
hmm.
Will think more on this. I would like to know of boundaries and where they are in the Bible. I know about the armor of God - that's protection for us Christians.
Need to study up on this bit more.
I suppose if we stay on the rock of Jesus Christ and resist the enemy, it does say they will flee. Has anyone done this and had the enemy literally flee from them? Like would you say, go away, leave me in peace or something. How did Jesus deal with Judas again? Judas even kissed Jesus.
 
calvin said:
Wow, I could almost have written you post.
I think I have something of value to share with you. just now though I need to see to what Juk has posted and then it is my bed time. but in the morning.....(y)
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Sadly Dan I am not at all confident that this forum is a safe place to share anything really deep and personal. 99% of members are OK, but still there is that element that I am very cautious of
So, I have sent you my reply via PM.
 
calvin said:
Sadly Dan I am not at all confident that this forum is a safe place to share anything really deep and personal. 99% of members are OK, but still there is that element that I am very cautious of
So, I have sent you my reply via PM.
Click to expand...
That's a very good idea Calvin.
 
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