Hey everyone, I just wanted to let you all know a bit about myself and what am I hoping to get out of speaking to other Christians publicly over the internet.
My Christian wife left me about 1.5 years ago for a new relationship, and I've been trying to come to terms with that since then. After I accepted that she wasn't coming back, I went through a time struggling over what that meant for me in terms of seeking out a new relationship as a Christian. I have no kids, and I wanted kids for most of my life, so a lot of my thinking at the time was centred around achieving that goal. A lot of that desperation, anger, grief and anxiety has calmed down for me by now, although I'm not going to tell you I'm "okay." Far from it. Still, I have come to a point of acceptance of being single and childless at 39, and I choose daily to learn to be content with that, and be grateful for what it is, and the freedom and opportunity that state affords me.
Anyway, I must admit that I did not deal with this time in my life especially well. I self-medicated with alcohol quite a lot after a life of never once being drunk, and had to be hospitalised at one point. My faith took a huge hit, because somehow I just decided that my wife's choices meant God didn't care about me, or wasn't real, and I started looking into esoteric/hermetic teaching, because it seemed like an attractive philosophy to have power over my circumstances. I completely lost control over any kind of reasonable sleeping habits, I stopped caring about eating well and I had to leave my work because I couldn't handle the responsibility of a career anymore. That's not the complete list of self-destructive behaviour, but you get the idea -- it was the storm that broke the house built on sand, when the builder thought he'd built on rock.
The most amazing thing that's come of all this is how easy it is to be vulnerable about what I've been through. I used to care so much about what people thought of me as a Christian that I kept all my struggles to myself. I would have felt too much shame to be vulnerable. If I'd learned that lesson earlier - to turn to other Christians for support instead of needing to appear like I was keeping it all together - perhaps I could have saved my marriage in the first place.
Now I can look back at all this and not beat myself up about it all, because this has all been an incredible learning experience for me. I learned that my faith was not nearly as secure as I thought it was, and was somehow dependent on the choices of other people in my life. I learned that while I thought I was very accepting of people, I was actually far more judgemental than I thought I was, and I have far more empathy for people who are struggling now. I also experienced confrontation to the ideas (conscious of otherwise) I had about what added substance and meaning to life, and I've had to rethink my approach to daily living and long-term goals. I've still been left with more questions than answers, but I am content that those questions are important and necessary ones, and they give me direction to seek out a life that's rich and rewarding, and will lead to a depth and intimacy in my relationship with God that I wouldn't have otherwise considered possible.
Well, not to ramble on for too long, I hope that this forum can be one of the spaces in my life where I can speak with Christians about practical Christian living and share the ways we're all experiencing struggles, and preparing ourselves for the struggles that are yet to come.
My Christian wife left me about 1.5 years ago for a new relationship, and I've been trying to come to terms with that since then. After I accepted that she wasn't coming back, I went through a time struggling over what that meant for me in terms of seeking out a new relationship as a Christian. I have no kids, and I wanted kids for most of my life, so a lot of my thinking at the time was centred around achieving that goal. A lot of that desperation, anger, grief and anxiety has calmed down for me by now, although I'm not going to tell you I'm "okay." Far from it. Still, I have come to a point of acceptance of being single and childless at 39, and I choose daily to learn to be content with that, and be grateful for what it is, and the freedom and opportunity that state affords me.
Anyway, I must admit that I did not deal with this time in my life especially well. I self-medicated with alcohol quite a lot after a life of never once being drunk, and had to be hospitalised at one point. My faith took a huge hit, because somehow I just decided that my wife's choices meant God didn't care about me, or wasn't real, and I started looking into esoteric/hermetic teaching, because it seemed like an attractive philosophy to have power over my circumstances. I completely lost control over any kind of reasonable sleeping habits, I stopped caring about eating well and I had to leave my work because I couldn't handle the responsibility of a career anymore. That's not the complete list of self-destructive behaviour, but you get the idea -- it was the storm that broke the house built on sand, when the builder thought he'd built on rock.
The most amazing thing that's come of all this is how easy it is to be vulnerable about what I've been through. I used to care so much about what people thought of me as a Christian that I kept all my struggles to myself. I would have felt too much shame to be vulnerable. If I'd learned that lesson earlier - to turn to other Christians for support instead of needing to appear like I was keeping it all together - perhaps I could have saved my marriage in the first place.
Now I can look back at all this and not beat myself up about it all, because this has all been an incredible learning experience for me. I learned that my faith was not nearly as secure as I thought it was, and was somehow dependent on the choices of other people in my life. I learned that while I thought I was very accepting of people, I was actually far more judgemental than I thought I was, and I have far more empathy for people who are struggling now. I also experienced confrontation to the ideas (conscious of otherwise) I had about what added substance and meaning to life, and I've had to rethink my approach to daily living and long-term goals. I've still been left with more questions than answers, but I am content that those questions are important and necessary ones, and they give me direction to seek out a life that's rich and rewarding, and will lead to a depth and intimacy in my relationship with God that I wouldn't have otherwise considered possible.
Well, not to ramble on for too long, I hope that this forum can be one of the spaces in my life where I can speak with Christians about practical Christian living and share the ways we're all experiencing struggles, and preparing ourselves for the struggles that are yet to come.
