Jewish Humour

Remember the Jewish comedians -- Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman and others?

They used to rattle off these jokes without using a single swear word in them!

- A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable? "The man says: "I make a reasonable living."
- I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
- Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
- We always hold hands when my wife and I go out. If I let go, she shops.
- My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea .
- My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.
- My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
- She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
- The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
- Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"
- Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears. "Doctor: "Then don't answer it!"
- A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking. "The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."
- Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
- Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
- The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that the reason for this is because Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
- There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the foetus is not considered viable until it graduates from law school.
- Q : Why don't Jewish mothers drink? A : Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
- Q : Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? A : They never let anyone finish a sentence.
- A man called his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?" Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak." The son: "Why are you so weak?" She said: "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days. "The son said: "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days? "The mother: "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full of food in case you should phone."
- A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner: Take it or leave it.
- A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks: "What part is it?" The boy says: "I play the part of the Jewish husband. " The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
- Q : Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? A : Under the vacuum cleaner.
- Q : How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A : (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."
- A Jewish mother gives her son a blue shirt and a brown shirt for his birthday. On the next visit, he wears the brown one. The mother says: "What's the matter already? Didn't you like the blue one?"
- Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.
 
Remember the Jewish comedians -- Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman and others?

They used to rattle off these jokes without using a single swear word in them!

- A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable? "The man says: "I make a reasonable living."
- I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
- Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
- We always hold hands when my wife and I go out. If I let go, she shops.
- My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea .
- My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.
- My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
- She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
- The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
- Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"
- Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears. "Doctor: "Then don't answer it!"
- A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking. "The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."
- Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
- Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
- The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that the reason for this is because Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
- There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the foetus is not considered viable until it graduates from law school.
- Q : Why don't Jewish mothers drink? A : Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
- Q : Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? A : They never let anyone finish a sentence.
- A man called his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?" Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak." The son: "Why are you so weak?" She said: "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days. "The son said: "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days? "The mother: "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full of food in case you should phone."
- A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner: Take it or leave it.
- A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks: "What part is it?" The boy says: "I play the part of the Jewish husband. " The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
- Q : Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? A : Under the vacuum cleaner.
- Q : How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A : (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."
- A Jewish mother gives her son a blue shirt and a brown shirt for his birthday. On the next visit, he wears the brown one. The mother says: "What's the matter already? Didn't you like the blue one?"
- Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.

They saved the swearing and off-colour jokes for the Catskills.

And wow did they tell nasty ones.
 
Top