I might just be stupid. Everyone else probably gets it. But I didn't. I understood the words Paul used. But it just seemed to go over my head. That has changed for me, but it wasn't a fun experience. It was very tough.
You see I came to Jesus, in 1974. But I sinned. I actually disobeyed The Lord when He told me "Don't go". "Strike 1"
It was a simple invitation, by some Christian friends to go eat. I thought God was worried about the restaurant serving alcohol. (I know, stupid, but I was a baby Christian). I said "Lord don't worry. You know I don't drink.
Up to this point my life with God was as if I had stepped into the book of Acts. What do I mean by that? Here is an example:
It's 1974 I am out hitchhiking and several cars pass by. I see a large sedan approaching, it's full of kids my age. As the car gets near, The Lord says to me this one, "say pullover".
As soon as I say those words, the car looks as though the driver is going to pass me by, but he pulls sharply to the right, and slams on the breaks, as if he couldn't help but do so.
I lean forward, look into the car, and see the back bench seat is full, of guys and girls, 6 kids in total. The front seat has room, closest to the passenger door. I get in and say Hi, God is going to bless you guys for picking me up. The car takes off. My destination is 20 minutes south.
At first I don't intend on saying anything. I just figure God is indeed going to bless them somehow in the future for being nice to me. But 5 minutes down the road, and The Lord speaks to me. He says "Tell them that I am going to share secrets with you, about their lives".
As soon as I say that, my eyes fix on one of the girls in the back seat. As I speak to her, she burst into tears, her body shaking with emotion, sobs that almost made me want to cry too. She said "how did you know that, no one knew about that" I said I didn't know, God knew, He told me, because He loves you.
These were not simple, things someone could guess. These were very private, personal, details about their lives. This happened with 5 of the 6 kids. It didn't happen to the driver.
In that 20 minute drive all 5 kids came to Jesus. This was almost a daily kind of event for me, not exactly the same, I mean not always a car, sometimes an office building, God would say "Go sit by that guy".
So anyway I go to eat, figuring I have calmed God's fears, by telling Him not to worry I won't drink. After we get done eating and go out onto the street, a Christian brother who was backslidden (his name was Augie), started a fight, with someone, and another brother intervened. I came from a very violent home so this REALLY hurt me to the core. I decided I was leaving these brothers and sisters and going to go to the west coast. Don't leave. "Strike 2".
I end up on the west coast. I notice something doesn't seem right. I fall into sin one day, it was a common sin, many people struggle with sexual lust ECT.
This goes on for years... Let's skip forward 35 years... Lust, it was the same problem that had been a daily battle for 30+ years.
I had tried everything, confessing to friends and pastors, writing TV preachers, going to prayer meetings, reading my bible more, praying a lot, I even fasted once for 30 days. I just couldn’t find freedom, not only from sin, but guilt, and condemnation.
I knew a family from Russia. They had been in the underground church. His wife had a gift. I had seen her pray over and over again, and seen immediate results. This could be a prayer about anything. Food, employees needed to work with her husband, license approvals ECT.
So one day I have this idea... "Why don't you go see Morika, ask her to fast and pray, that your walk with God returns". So I go ask her, she says let's fast and pray for one week. Four weeks later, I've forgotten all about it, but my life literally falls apart, in every way you can imagine, it was horrible. Work, kids, accident on the freeway, plus lots more.
My greatest moment of clarity came after my greatest failure. I had done the worst thing a Christian could do. I tried to kill myself, with a shotgun.
After several surgeries, and a month in the hospital (carotid artery severed, huge hole in my head). I finally came home to recover.
One day everyone went to the store, leaving me all alone. I had become a Christian during the Jesus movement. I had no idea what God thought of me now. As I sat at the kitchen table, it started to rain.
Suddenly I hear a voice, and the voice asked me several questions. Do you notice the rain drops, how they are different from one another? I knew exactly whose voice I was hearing. I said no Lord, only you know, I have no idea. (The whole conversation was broader than this, but I'm just using this very small portion to help explain..)
He says, and you're different. Why do you believe what you believe and who taught you? (This one question spoke volumes to me... In other words He was saying I will teach you). You are like a piece of fruit in a bowl, with many other pieces of fruit, (Christians) but you're the worst piece of fruit in the bowl.
He then said: It is NOT your job to change yourself, THAT IS MY JOB ! You are the land, I'm the farmer, you are the sheep, I am the shepherd, you are the vine, I am the vine dresser. I cleanse you.
When I want to change something in your life, I will bring it to your attention, and you just agree with me.
I want you to rest (cease from my own works- Hebrews Ch 4). I don't ever want you to put your sins above my love and grace for you again, don't do it..
So one day I’m driving, my mind bombarded with lust. I yell out at God when are you going to help me with this? All of a sudden, He answered back, “When are you going to tell me the truth”.
What truth? That Jesus died, and rose again? What truth? Then it comes to me, so clearly, the truth is about me, and my sins.
Suddenly it comes to my mind, just as He said before. I JUST HAVE TO AGREE WITH HIM.
So I say Lord, I love this sin, I don’t want you to interfere in anyway, leave me alone with this sin, for I love it.
Each time temptation came, I repeated this to myself, agreeing that this was who I was, that His statement was true, that I loved this sin, and didn’t want Him to interfere.
This truth, about myself, that He revealed to me, made me free. He made me free. That was almost 20 years ago. I have had no temptation since that time, no desire to sin, or lust, I also don't look for things to judge myself about, or things I THINK need to change. I leave all that to Him. I cease from my own works. I just rest. (Heb Ch 4)
Now about "Who taught you".... I had read the new testament several times, especially Romans. I knew what it said, I understood the words. But I didn't really understand the meaning on an intimate level.
Then a few days after He spoke, I went to see a Jesus movie, with my kids. All of a sudden, it was as if something was dropped into my being, I heard myself say, "Oh that is why Jesus had to die".
I totally "get" Romans now... The sin nature, acts of sin which proceed from that nature, why the flesh which houses the sin nature had to die, why the resurrection, and what it means and how it ties to the law and to Genesis CH 3 "Your seed/her seed".
But none of this came from study, I can't claim any credit for any of this.
I hope this blesses someone, maybe someone struggling in their walk.
You see I came to Jesus, in 1974. But I sinned. I actually disobeyed The Lord when He told me "Don't go". "Strike 1"
It was a simple invitation, by some Christian friends to go eat. I thought God was worried about the restaurant serving alcohol. (I know, stupid, but I was a baby Christian). I said "Lord don't worry. You know I don't drink.
Up to this point my life with God was as if I had stepped into the book of Acts. What do I mean by that? Here is an example:
It's 1974 I am out hitchhiking and several cars pass by. I see a large sedan approaching, it's full of kids my age. As the car gets near, The Lord says to me this one, "say pullover".
As soon as I say those words, the car looks as though the driver is going to pass me by, but he pulls sharply to the right, and slams on the breaks, as if he couldn't help but do so.
I lean forward, look into the car, and see the back bench seat is full, of guys and girls, 6 kids in total. The front seat has room, closest to the passenger door. I get in and say Hi, God is going to bless you guys for picking me up. The car takes off. My destination is 20 minutes south.
At first I don't intend on saying anything. I just figure God is indeed going to bless them somehow in the future for being nice to me. But 5 minutes down the road, and The Lord speaks to me. He says "Tell them that I am going to share secrets with you, about their lives".
As soon as I say that, my eyes fix on one of the girls in the back seat. As I speak to her, she burst into tears, her body shaking with emotion, sobs that almost made me want to cry too. She said "how did you know that, no one knew about that" I said I didn't know, God knew, He told me, because He loves you.
These were not simple, things someone could guess. These were very private, personal, details about their lives. This happened with 5 of the 6 kids. It didn't happen to the driver.
In that 20 minute drive all 5 kids came to Jesus. This was almost a daily kind of event for me, not exactly the same, I mean not always a car, sometimes an office building, God would say "Go sit by that guy".
So anyway I go to eat, figuring I have calmed God's fears, by telling Him not to worry I won't drink. After we get done eating and go out onto the street, a Christian brother who was backslidden (his name was Augie), started a fight, with someone, and another brother intervened. I came from a very violent home so this REALLY hurt me to the core. I decided I was leaving these brothers and sisters and going to go to the west coast. Don't leave. "Strike 2".
I end up on the west coast. I notice something doesn't seem right. I fall into sin one day, it was a common sin, many people struggle with sexual lust ECT.
This goes on for years... Let's skip forward 35 years... Lust, it was the same problem that had been a daily battle for 30+ years.
I had tried everything, confessing to friends and pastors, writing TV preachers, going to prayer meetings, reading my bible more, praying a lot, I even fasted once for 30 days. I just couldn’t find freedom, not only from sin, but guilt, and condemnation.
I knew a family from Russia. They had been in the underground church. His wife had a gift. I had seen her pray over and over again, and seen immediate results. This could be a prayer about anything. Food, employees needed to work with her husband, license approvals ECT.
So one day I have this idea... "Why don't you go see Morika, ask her to fast and pray, that your walk with God returns". So I go ask her, she says let's fast and pray for one week. Four weeks later, I've forgotten all about it, but my life literally falls apart, in every way you can imagine, it was horrible. Work, kids, accident on the freeway, plus lots more.
My greatest moment of clarity came after my greatest failure. I had done the worst thing a Christian could do. I tried to kill myself, with a shotgun.
After several surgeries, and a month in the hospital (carotid artery severed, huge hole in my head). I finally came home to recover.
One day everyone went to the store, leaving me all alone. I had become a Christian during the Jesus movement. I had no idea what God thought of me now. As I sat at the kitchen table, it started to rain.
Suddenly I hear a voice, and the voice asked me several questions. Do you notice the rain drops, how they are different from one another? I knew exactly whose voice I was hearing. I said no Lord, only you know, I have no idea. (The whole conversation was broader than this, but I'm just using this very small portion to help explain..)
He says, and you're different. Why do you believe what you believe and who taught you? (This one question spoke volumes to me... In other words He was saying I will teach you). You are like a piece of fruit in a bowl, with many other pieces of fruit, (Christians) but you're the worst piece of fruit in the bowl.
He then said: It is NOT your job to change yourself, THAT IS MY JOB ! You are the land, I'm the farmer, you are the sheep, I am the shepherd, you are the vine, I am the vine dresser. I cleanse you.
When I want to change something in your life, I will bring it to your attention, and you just agree with me.
I want you to rest (cease from my own works- Hebrews Ch 4). I don't ever want you to put your sins above my love and grace for you again, don't do it..
So one day I’m driving, my mind bombarded with lust. I yell out at God when are you going to help me with this? All of a sudden, He answered back, “When are you going to tell me the truth”.
What truth? That Jesus died, and rose again? What truth? Then it comes to me, so clearly, the truth is about me, and my sins.
Suddenly it comes to my mind, just as He said before. I JUST HAVE TO AGREE WITH HIM.
So I say Lord, I love this sin, I don’t want you to interfere in anyway, leave me alone with this sin, for I love it.
Each time temptation came, I repeated this to myself, agreeing that this was who I was, that His statement was true, that I loved this sin, and didn’t want Him to interfere.
This truth, about myself, that He revealed to me, made me free. He made me free. That was almost 20 years ago. I have had no temptation since that time, no desire to sin, or lust, I also don't look for things to judge myself about, or things I THINK need to change. I leave all that to Him. I cease from my own works. I just rest. (Heb Ch 4)
Now about "Who taught you".... I had read the new testament several times, especially Romans. I knew what it said, I understood the words. But I didn't really understand the meaning on an intimate level.
Then a few days after He spoke, I went to see a Jesus movie, with my kids. All of a sudden, it was as if something was dropped into my being, I heard myself say, "Oh that is why Jesus had to die".
I totally "get" Romans now... The sin nature, acts of sin which proceed from that nature, why the flesh which houses the sin nature had to die, why the resurrection, and what it means and how it ties to the law and to Genesis CH 3 "Your seed/her seed".
But none of this came from study, I can't claim any credit for any of this.
I hope this blesses someone, maybe someone struggling in their walk.