I’ve heard many people make excuses for saying very offensive things about other people, and when someone calls them out for it, they’ll often defend themselves by claiming the person doing the calling-out is the one who’s the problem and adding “don’t like it, don’t listen to it”. What could I do regarding the situation?
What could I say/do if someone defends their claim on offending someone with “don’t like it, don’t listen to it”?
- Thread starter PTSDintheAsylum
- Start date
Dear PTSDintheAsylum,
I can only answer from my own life but I pray I can say something that helps. Here’s some things I’ve learned that you can consider.
First, it may be helpful to remember that when someone is being rude or offensive it says more about them than it does you. The reason why people usually blame others is that it's an escape from their own guilt. Blame shifting is a defensive thing people sometimes do when they don’t want to take responsibility for their actions.
So what we can do is try not to be offensive or rude back. Just pause, and take a breath. Sometimes a pause helps people to realize what they just said and how it sounds. A pause gives them a chance to correct themselves and it gives you a moment to stay calm and to think.
Next, use a question. Rude people sometimes do not realize they are being rude, so asking a simple question can gently call their attention to it.
Ask them something like:
Did you mean that?
or
I’m not sure I understand what you are saying?
Having a question at the ready gives you another moment to think, calm yourself and a chance for them to see how they are sounding.
I personally have to watch my mouth because sometimes it is quicker than my brain. I’ve said many things I’d like to take back and so I really try to do the things I listed above.
Please realize that often when someone is rude the chances are they are stressed, tired or maybe they had just gotten some bad news. This doesn’t make rude behavior right or hurt us less, but it does make it easier to see that we are all human and we all need God’s guidance in our lives.
People’s lives are complex, and their rudeness often stems from something that has gone wrong in their world around the time that they are talking with you.
If we can give ourselves a moment to think about this we can then choose to not let them steer us into being stressed with them.
We can let it lay and then move on once we realize it’s their problem and not ours.
There are many kind and experienced people on this forum so I have no doubt you will be getting some very good suggestions for how to deal with offensive people and their comments.
God Bless you sister.
I can only answer from my own life but I pray I can say something that helps. Here’s some things I’ve learned that you can consider.
First, it may be helpful to remember that when someone is being rude or offensive it says more about them than it does you. The reason why people usually blame others is that it's an escape from their own guilt. Blame shifting is a defensive thing people sometimes do when they don’t want to take responsibility for their actions.
So what we can do is try not to be offensive or rude back. Just pause, and take a breath. Sometimes a pause helps people to realize what they just said and how it sounds. A pause gives them a chance to correct themselves and it gives you a moment to stay calm and to think.
Next, use a question. Rude people sometimes do not realize they are being rude, so asking a simple question can gently call their attention to it.
Ask them something like:
Did you mean that?
or
I’m not sure I understand what you are saying?
Having a question at the ready gives you another moment to think, calm yourself and a chance for them to see how they are sounding.
I personally have to watch my mouth because sometimes it is quicker than my brain. I’ve said many things I’d like to take back and so I really try to do the things I listed above.
Please realize that often when someone is rude the chances are they are stressed, tired or maybe they had just gotten some bad news. This doesn’t make rude behavior right or hurt us less, but it does make it easier to see that we are all human and we all need God’s guidance in our lives.
People’s lives are complex, and their rudeness often stems from something that has gone wrong in their world around the time that they are talking with you.
If we can give ourselves a moment to think about this we can then choose to not let them steer us into being stressed with them.
We can let it lay and then move on once we realize it’s their problem and not ours.
There are many kind and experienced people on this forum so I have no doubt you will be getting some very good suggestions for how to deal with offensive people and their comments.
God Bless you sister.
Excellent answer brother!
Hi PTSDintheAsylum
I am so glad you have joined us here. It is against the rules of the forum to be offensive to each other so if that should happen the first thing to do is to report the post to the staff. Just press the report button underneath the post and fill in why you are reporting it. Do not leave the forum if someone is rude to you. You can also send a pm to any member of the staff if you need any help at all.
You are not on your own here we are here for you .
Blessings dear Sister
If you want to talk about anything we are here.
I am so glad you have joined us here. It is against the rules of the forum to be offensive to each other so if that should happen the first thing to do is to report the post to the staff. Just press the report button underneath the post and fill in why you are reporting it. Do not leave the forum if someone is rude to you. You can also send a pm to any member of the staff if you need any help at all.
You are not on your own here we are here for you .
Blessings dear Sister
If you want to talk about anything we are here.
Most often than not yes, and usually it shows, but sometimes its hard to tell, especially if the emotion is not present in their expressions.
I know of some people that call people who are not present, derogatory names, to see how others react. The aim? They wish to teach them a lesson to mind their own business. Of course they wouldn't call those absent derogatory names when the they are actually there.
Everybody is responsible for their own thoughts and actions. When we choose not to be responsible for them it is because we have some fear distorting this truth.
All our fears come from our ego. It fears being vulnerable and exposed to its own truth of being nothing than a self-fabricated story _ so the mind can make sense of itself. Our mind fears losing itself to this truth ("I'm losing my mind!") aka a spiritual crisis due to an ego crisis. So, the ego-mind goes to great lengths to avoid this vulnerability and exposure. As soon as it feels the slightest threat, it reacts to its distorted nature of shifting responsibility by blaming, lying, and other forms of deception...everything else than being responsible for their own thoughts and actions.
So, the ego-self is the root of all our problems. Our ego-self is not who we Really are. Forgetting this leads us into a whole world of distortions where all truths are covered up with distorted thoughts and actions. To awaken from our ignorance, we need to lose our self to find our Self again, like when we were children of innocence (in no sense) of this world we are subjected to... a fear-based world, still run by satan.
What to do regarding the situation? I would reclaim my Self, my innermost Being, with the Spirit of Truth. Discernment, or true consciousness, of the truth of the situation will present itself, especially my own fears of the situation. These fears are my own responsibility. Once these fears are faced and banished, the distorted truth becomes clear, and I will intuitively know how to be responsible for my own thoughts and actions regarding the situation.
I think it's important to listen to the Shepherd in that regard and not eavesdrop on others conversations where they might be saying things about others that you do not even know.
If its your friend doing it you can change the subject or say I don't want to talk about so and so. I don't even know them. Or I'm not interested.
Often we can tune out of conversations (selective hearing) and half of what we hear from others we don't need to know anyway.
Think of better things to talk about. Often its just speculation but you don't always have to talk. You can just be.
Sometimes people won't change their mind about others and already made their mind up. If you want to defend them when they are not there, sure speak up and maybe they'll see them in a new light. But many people may want to express how they feel and are direct about others and thats not something you can censor or police...not your job.
The other thing is choose your friends wisely, you don't have to hang around negative nellies who are always being rude.
If its your friend doing it you can change the subject or say I don't want to talk about so and so. I don't even know them. Or I'm not interested.
Often we can tune out of conversations (selective hearing) and half of what we hear from others we don't need to know anyway.
Think of better things to talk about. Often its just speculation but you don't always have to talk. You can just be.
Sometimes people won't change their mind about others and already made their mind up. If you want to defend them when they are not there, sure speak up and maybe they'll see them in a new light. But many people may want to express how they feel and are direct about others and thats not something you can censor or police...not your job.
The other thing is choose your friends wisely, you don't have to hang around negative nellies who are always being rude.
Is there really a cure for vocal knuckleheads? Those who don't want to be liked?
You could say, if you don't want to elicit responses don't be crude outloud. Then smile.
Or you could say, I'll pray for you, as you look them in their eyes.
Either way, be sincere when they look back into yours.
Some are just angry all the time. And sometimes that's an outward expression of deep inner grief.
Go with God.
You could say, if you don't want to elicit responses don't be crude outloud. Then smile.
Or you could say, I'll pray for you, as you look them in their eyes.
Either way, be sincere when they look back into yours.
Some are just angry all the time. And sometimes that's an outward expression of deep inner grief.
Go with God.
Hello PTSDintheAsylum;
We are receiving posts of wise counsel in your thread. This should also speak to all of us.
God bless you, sister, and your family.