Struggling to remain in faith...

I thank you for your prayers and receive them with an open heart. Though books are my passion and what my degree is in, so they are indispensable to me.

I am glad!

The word of God, the bible, is the only book worthy to bring positive change in your life.
 
They aren't religious influences, though I have studied every major world religion. They are from just living and enjoying life. I sometimes think I am far too curious and adventurous for the Christian walk.

John 10:10 Amplified
The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance [to the full, till it overflows].

No one is too anything for becoming a follower of Christ. The very notion that you are is a thought planted in you by the enemy of God. Don't you believe it for one single second.

In fact, those who are strong believers are some of the most adventurous people of all! God instills us with dreams, and He sets about fulfilling them! It is an amazing walk!.
 
John 10:10 Amplified
The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance [to the full, till it overflows].

No none is too anything for becoming a follower of Christ. The very notion that you are is a thought planted in you by the enemy of God. Don't you believe it for one single second.

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I often feel stifled in Christianity. Not due to wanting to commit sin, but feeling sinful or wrong for being curious and questioning. I don't fit into the Christian mold very well at all and feel so much better and more myself when I am honest about prayer being a chore sometimes. I will say that there are things I want to pray about but don't since prayer usually leaves me with empty hopes and just restoring myself back to happiness I left in God's hands.
 
I often feel stifled in Christianity. Not due to wanting to commit sin, but feeling sinful or wrong for being curious and questioning. I don't fit into the Christian mold very well at all and feel so much better and more myself when I am honest about prayer being a chore sometimes. I will say that there are things I want to pray about but don't since prayer usually leaves me with empty hopes and just restoring myself back to happiness I left in God's hands.

What, to you, is Christianity? What is the mold like, to you? To what do you attribute empty hopes?

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I don't know if this will do any good, or if I can even explain in great enough detail how difficult it is to remain a believing Christian. Between being institutionalized at multiple points in my late teens-early 20s, praying for guidance and never receiving it, long bouts of atheism, short spurts of intense belief, and even longer periods of absolute confusion, staying open to the Christian teachings seems almost impossible. Praying feels like a chore and it elevates my anxiety. Not praying triggers guilt. I have given up trying to read the bible everyday, and I have, sadly for my faith, come to the conclusion that even if all the tenets in Christianity are true, I'm better off distancing myself from the religion. I don't want to do it, and something still draws me to Christianity, but my mental health and happiness deteriorate when I devote myself to God and Christianity. If it wasn't a big deal, I wouldn't be posting here, but it is. I want to not be defensive towards God, but for many reasons, there is a wall I have built between us. I will never truly be an atheist, or even agnostic, but I am becoming a believer who truly doesn't care about praying or reading the bible, or even trying to not deliberately sin. I am starting down a path that is selfish, because I feel God is uncaring and unable to have any say in my life. It sounds silly, but that's how it feels when I pray; absolutely empty. I even think that being punished for feeling this way is a sign I just shouldn't even try with Christianity. On top of all of this, I'm philosophical in nature and a natural thinker, so most answers don't suffice my needs. If anyone has any book suggestions that will aid with biblical texts and dealing with immense doubt, I'd be grateful. I have read Lewis and other Christian thinkers and am grateful for their works, but it seems to only be a bandaid to my deep seeded issues.

Sorry if this doesn't flow well, I am on my lunch break trying to make sense of everything I've been thinking and feeling lately.

I appreciate all answers.

Hello Alexmarie and welcome to CFS and I have to say, what an amazing and honest introduction which didn't sound like rambling at all. In fact, it sounds like you have a very good handle on your situation and have thought quite carefully about who you are and where you're at. Firstly, it is just so refreshing to hear such an honest and open testimony and I promise you the answers aren't far away; I've suffered from depression all of my life as a Christian and a Christian Pastor and I can assure you, I've felt the same feelings you're experiencing so please, ask any questions you feel are on your mind and I'm sure me and others here on CFS will reply.

Just for the moment though please let me reassure you that the illness you suffer doesn't mean that God gives you any less Grace and Favour, He gives you even more because He fully understands you like no other. I promise you today that despite your feelings, which I know at times cannot be comforted by mere words, that the Lord gives people like you and me more Grace than others and you are in no way absent from His Plan for your life. I hope this is a starter for your recovery. Praying for you...
 
Hello Alexmarie and welcome to CFS and I have to say, what an amazing and honest introduction which didn't sound like rambling at all. In fact, it sounds like you have a very good handle on your situation and have thought quite carefully about who you are and where you're at. Firstly, it is just so refreshing to hear such an honest and open testimony and I promise you the answers aren't far away; I've suffered from depression all of my life as a Christian and a Christian Pastor and I can assure you, I've felt the same feelings you're experiencing so please, ask any questions you feel are on your mind and I'm sure me and others here on CFS will reply.

Just for the moment though please let me reassure you that the illness you suffer doesn't mean that God gives you any less Grace and Favour, He gives you even more because He fully understands you like no other. I promise you today that despite your feelings, which I know at times cannot be comforted by mere words, that the Lord gives people like you and me more Grace than others and you are in no way absent from His Plan for your life. I hope this is a starter for your recovery. Praying for you...
Thank you so much for this. It's a daily struggle and I really do want to repair my relationship with God, I just feel so disconnected at times, which leaves me trying to make sense of it all.
 
What, to you, is Christianity? What is the mold like, to you? To what do you attribute empty hopes?

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I usually don't connect with other Christians on the basics. I don't enjoy church because of this. I used to talk to God about everything, but now it feels that even He isn't concerned with my life and I only have myself to turn to.
 
Thank you so much for this. It's a daily struggle and I really do want to repair my relationship with God, I just feel so disconnected at times, which leaves me trying to make sense of it all.

Hey Alexmarie and thanks for replying. I have to say it takes me around two hours each morning to come close to the place of feeling a bit of happiness, it's not good is it?
 
Hey Alexmarie and thanks for replying. I have to say it takes me around two hours each morning to come close to the place of feeling a bit of happiness, it's not good is it?
No, it's not. I lived a life of negativity and misery for years. I'm just now able to fully enjoy the present moment everyday. I know this change in thinking came from God, but now prayer and devotion, things that healed me, feel nerve-racking and cause me to feel anxious.
 
No, it's not. I lived a life of negativity and misery for years. I'm just now able to fully enjoy the present moment everyday. I know this change in thinking came from God, but now prayer and devotion, things that healed me, feel nerve-racking and cause me to feel anxious.

Yes I know the feeling, God's Word to me years ago was that I was 'born into frustration.' An unhappy home and unhappiness was all I knew which has had quite an impact over the years and a bit of work overcome in the Lord. I do still lapse back into those types of negative feelings at times but it's few and far between, still have to put up with the mornings though.

As a serving local Church Pastor, please don't worry about that feeling of not wanting to go to church or the fact that praying or reading your Word causes you more anxiety; it's perfectly natural for Christians like us and again please be assured that God fully understands and no matter how I or anyone else tries to support you, no one will understand you like He does. You have God's full permission to recover from this latest feelings I promise. Are you feeling a little better yet?
 
No, it's not. I lived a life of negativity and misery for years. I'm just now able to fully enjoy the present moment everyday. I know this change in thinking came from God, but now prayer and devotion, things that healed me, feel nerve-racking and cause me to feel anxious.

Yes I know the feeling, God's Word to me years ago was that I was 'born into frustration.' An unhappy home and unhappiness was all I knew which has had quite an impact over the years and a bit of work overcome in the Lord. I do still lapse back into those types of negative feelings at times but it's few and far between, still have to put up with the mornings though.

As a serving local Church Pastor, please don't worry about that feeling of not wanting to go to church or the fact that praying or reading your Word causes you more anxiety; it's perfectly natural for Christians like us and again please be assured that God fully understands and no matter how I or anyone else tries to support you, no one will understand you like He does. You have God's full permission to recover from this latest feelings I promise. Are you feeling a little better yet?
 
I usually don't connect with other Christians on the basics. I don't enjoy church because of this. I used to talk to God about everything, but now it feels that even He isn't concerned with my life and I only have myself to turn to.

One thing I have learned in my walk with Jesus, and I have suffered some very deep periods of grief and depression in my life, is that we cannot rely on feelings. Feelings are no barometer of what the truth is. In fact, they often lie to us! God loves us so much that He could not leave us alone, so He sent His Son, and His Son sent the Holy Spirit who lives in the believer, teaching, and comforting, and leading and guiding 24/7! The only thing we have to do is to respond to Him by following!

One thing we CAN rely on is God's promises, and there are hundreds of them in His word! Take Him at His word. Step out in faith and see how He undertakes for you. He is so very much in love with you! He will provide for your every need, and one of those needs is fellowship!


.
 
Yes I know the feeling, God's Word to me years ago was that I was 'born into frustration.' An unhappy home and unhappiness was all I knew which has had quite an impact over the years and a bit of work overcome in the Lord. I do still lapse back into those types of negative feelings at times but it's few and far between, still have to put up with the mornings though.

As a serving local Church Pastor, please don't worry about that feeling of not wanting to go to church or the fact that praying or reading your Word causes you more anxiety; it's perfectly natural for Christians like us and again please be assured that God fully understands and no matter how I or anyone else tries to support you, no one will understand you like He does. You have God's full permission to recover from this latest feelings I promise. Are you feeling a little better yet?
Your words definitely provide understanding and solace. I'll probably pray tonight, even if it's just to feel better about verbally letting God know how I feel. It can be trying at times to not get down about the inability to pray because of fear. I feel like I'm displeasing and dishonoring God, but it really is a mental battle for me at times.
 
Your words definitely provide understanding and solace. I'll probably pray tonight, even if it's just to feel better about verbally letting God know how I feel. It can be trying at times to not get down about the inability to pray because of fear. I feel like I'm displeasing and dishonoring God, but it really is a mental battle for me at times.

Yes I know Alexmarie, it's a bit of a vicious circle so can I just share a wee scripture?

(Romans 7:9) "...for I was alive with
 
One thing I have learned in my walk with Jesus, and I have suffered some very deep periods of grief and depression in my life, is that we cannot rely on feelings. Feelings are no barometer of what the truth is. In fact, they often lie to us! God loves us so much that He could not leave us alone, so He sent His Son, and His Son sent the Holy Spirit who lives in the believer, teaching, and comforting, and leading and guiding 24/7! The only thing we have to do is to respond to Him by following!

One thing we CAN rely on is God's promises, and there are hundreds of them in His word! Take Him at His word. Step out in faith and see how He undertakes for you. He is so very much in love with you! He will provide for your every need, and one of those needs is fellowship!


.
I know feelings aren't to be trusted. It's getting it internalized that is hard.
 
I just find that troubling to believe. I'm not making an excuse for other belief systems, but to call them works of Satan not only gives him tons of intellectual power, but also seems more like a sign of fear than true understanding. The all or nothing attitude seems detrimental to a well-rounded life. Surely one can be a Christian and have understanding and compassion for other beliefs, especially the great benefit of philosophy. I don't need a pastor to guide me through life. I full on believe in personal responsibility.
okay,
1. Satan was the most perfect creation of God,
2.he possesses supreme ability and intelligence
3. he has authority over the kingdoms of the earth and gives it to whoever he wants, if they bow down and worship him.
4. he has an intimidate knowledge of scripture and knows how to manipulate it and distort it
5. he has direct access to God to accuse Christians
6. he leads a 1/3 of the angels
I'm afraid it is an ALL OR NOTHING proposition for eternal life,
either 1. you believe in Jesus Christ and what that faith means or 2. you will be judged and condemned forever to the lake of fire with satan and his demons.
your choice.
AS a Christian I do have compassion for other humans in their belief systems, their systems of belief are totally wrong by 100% wrong
but none of them can be saved except through the work of Christ on the cross: Jesus says no one comes to the Father except through the son.
As a Christian you cannot be an island as I said,
Christianity is NOT a personal religion do it in your spare time at home alone,
it is fellowship with others in love and mostly God has appointed pastors as shepherds of the flocks.
Scripture warns that those who hear the Gospel and live a selfish life alone are the seed that fell among weeds or rocks,
also they are the servants who hid their gift in the ground,
also they are the 5 virgins whose oil lamps were empty when the Lord returned.
also Jesus plainly says I was hungry and thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink or eat...when Lord...when you did it to the least of these u did it to me.
Your opinion/philosophy of this matter is wrong and in error
you need to repent.
 
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I know feelings aren't to be trusted. It's getting it internalized that is hard.

The scripture I was going to share was 'for I was alive without the law once; but when the commandment came, sin revived and I died.' It's a difficult passage of scripture for most to understand however, God shows us the nature of ourselves in that if we pull ourselves under a law, sin will revive within us and try to destroy us. Just like pulling ourselves under a law like you must go to church, read your word and pray can make in exceedingly difficult to do because it's done because we feel we have to instead of doing it because we want to. I believe you have God's permission to stop it all, wait on Him and allow Him to draw you closer to Himself and stop this circle we find ourselves in and when you do, you'll find that place of wanting to be with Him....He understands, He really does....
 
Welcome to cfs! Blessings of grace and peace be yours in abundance.

Praying the burden removing yoke destroying anointing will manifest in you and deliver you from the bondage that is holding you captive. You are very precious to God, otherwise He would not take the time to number the hairs on your head. And according to Romans 8:38-39 nothing can remove His love from you.
God Bless you and keep you. May He surround you with His favor and give you peace.
 
he


The scripture I was going to share was 'for I was alive without the law once; but when the commandment came, sin revived and I died.' It's a difficult passage of scripture for most to understand however, God shows us the nature of ourselves in that if we pull ourselves under a law, sin will revive within us and try to destroy us. Just like pulling ourselves under a law like you must go to church, read your word and pray can make in exceedingly difficult to do because it's done because we feel we have to instead of doing it because we want to. I believe you have God's permission to stop it all, wait on Him and allow Him to draw you closer to Himself and stop this circle we find ourselves in and when you do, you'll find that place of wanting to be with Him....He understands, He really does....
This is so helpful, I could cry. I know Jesus tells us his yoke is easy and his burden is light, but I get so stuck legalistic rituals and it just tears me down. Everyone around me expects me to go to church, but I feel uncomfortable at most churches because of my past, and then the guilt eats away at me, and praying and even talking about God makes me feel like a fraud. I used to turn to God for everything, in all times, and I just want to feel that peace of resting in Him again. Thank you for understanding and helping me through this.
 
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