Adoption Situations:what Do You Think??

[Johanna]

Hi everyone,
As some of you know, my husband Shane and I are trying to adopt. We tried getting pregnant and couldn't, consulted doctors and though we are both fertile, I'm unable to carry a child due to my severe anemia. This broke our hearts, but we decided that a child is yours, not because you gave birth to him/her, it is because your raised them and were there for them in their lives. We've been struggling financially for quiet sometime in NYC and we have been trying to leave this city for the South. We've been trying to raise money and it has been hard.
However, as far as money for adoption, that money is coming from my mother who wanted to help us pay for an adoption since she knew that private adoptions are hard and can be very expensive. Also, we are using money from my father's house being sold (my father passed away in 1997) that I inherited and shared with my brothers and mother.

We decided to put up an ad to find a birth mother in the South where we are hoping to adopt. We do not want to adopt in NYC. We've contacted by a birth mother who said that she had a little girl and was now facing a pregnancy that was the result of a one night stand. She said that she resided in Arkansas and that the father of this baby wanted nothing to do with her or her baby and that she is sure she wants to give up the baby for adoption. We got excited, of course and we told her that we would help her with finances and that she can even have an open adoption if she so desired, the only thing that we ask is that she brings us notarized proof of pregnancy, names of doctors that we can call, and of course, meet with our attorney to make things legal before any funds can exchange hands. We had been down this road before and we were quiet inexperienced. We ended up supporting a woman that was not pregnant and it was a scam that was hatched by her and her boyfriend. This took place in California where the law stated that the funds that we gave her are a "gift" and that we have no legal rights to prosecute for fraud. This was about a year ago and it was the money that were going to use for moving (and that is why we have no money for moving now).

This lady that contacted us recently got very agitated and said that she was getting evicted from her apartment the next day at 6:00 pm and that we had to help her keep her apartment because she is helping us with a family of our own. Again, we said we are sorry, but we need to see legal proof of pregnancy and we cannot take a chance with spending money that was the only money that we have to have a family. She became very agitated that we wouldn't help her and she said that she will contact us on June 1st with the information regarding the notarized pregnancy test, doctor names, etc. She called a couple of more times to ask for money and we stuck to our decision that we only help when there is legal proof and a legal agreement to adopt her baby. Please, everyone, understand that it isn't that we are cheap or cruel, it is just that this is money that my father left through the sale of his house and it is money that my mother is helping me with...this is the only money that we will have to be able to do this because my family isn't wealthy and neither is my husband's family.

Well, she stopped calling and on June 1st, no call came, no proof of pregnancy and she was not heard from ever again by us. I was hurt and Shane kept telling me that it doesn't matter. He said that we will find something else. I really don't understand people that want to scam desperate childless couples. To me, it seems like the cruelest thing that you can do to a person. I wanted to share this with all of you and ask you for your prayers regarding this situation. Also, I wanted to ask your opinion on all of this. Did we act correctly? What do you think of that California law that is little more than stealing a couple's adoption money and good intentions? Do you know a mother that would like to help a couple have a family through adoption?

Thank you for reading, everyone and God bless you all!

 

[Rumely]

I'm not a lawyer, so I don't know all the subtleties of adoption, finance, or contract law. However, if there was no signed contract setting forth the terms of your aid to this person, then it is hard, if not impossible, to prove that your money was anything but a gift. It's best to go through a reputable agency to set up an adoption. This may be an adoption agency, a social services agency, or some other entity that can ensure that everything is above board. Since this was a scam from the get-go, this woman obviously should return the money, but she hasn't the morals to do so and the legal system doesn't have the leverage to compel her to. I'm talking about the first woman, here, not the recent one.

You did right in requiring a firm legal foundation before sending anyone any money. Since you don't know her personally, you have no way of verifying any of her story. If any of it is true, she'll just have to deal with it like anyone else in her situation and contact her local church, social service agency, family, or even gofundme D). It's sad to have to be suspicious and skeptical, but I don't think it's a sin to try to be responsible with your giving by verifying that the stranger to whom you would give is legit.

But here's another thought. The completion of the adoption should be essentially separate from financial help for the mother. Otherwise it amounts to "buying" a baby. If you want to help the mother with some things, then view it as a gift of compassion. Of course, it may be necessary to help with the medical bills for her to have the baby, or to pay adoption fees, legal fees, etc. directly related to the adoption itself, but I wouldn't tie help with rent, food, etc. with the completion of the adoption. That's just my thinking, perhaps someone who has worked or had other experience in this area could add some perspective.

 

[Johanna]

Hi Rumely,
Thanks for writing your thoughts on this adoption issue(s). I agree with you on many points. I also thought that rent and food should not be part of the adoption process. Believe me, if I thought a person who was honest with me from the get go needed help, I wouldn't think twice about helping them. However, I noticed from speaking with other couples who are doing the same thing that we are, it is the standard with alot of the birth mother, they all want rent, food, and whatever else that has nothing to do with adoption. I think that many hopeful adoptive parents give whatever the birth mother asks for because they are so afraid of losing the chance to adopt the baby. In many cases, a birth mother is in control of the situation completely to the point where the adoptive parents almost have no say.
We thought about an agency to find a birth mother, but they charge really high fees just for finding the mother that is willing to adopt out her child. We thought that if we had an attorney and found a mother ourselves, it would save us thousands that we would have to pay to the agency. That is why we mentioned in the original post that if someone knows a mother that is looking for a family to adopt her child, to let us know.

 

[Rumely]

In the church I attended many years ago, one of the teens became pregnant and gave up her child for adoption. I think she went through county social services, though. But it gets me to thinking that if you found a young mother who was still living at home, most likely a high-school or college student, you might find someone whose primary concern is that they don't feel ready to take care of a child, rather than trying to keep a roof over her head. When you move and find a healthy church, you may even find such a situation within that church. You would have a better opportunity to know who you're dealing with and would, presumably, have the support of the church community. Just an idea for consideration.

 

[Johanna]

I also thought about a young girl that lives at home that would be willing to let us adopt her baby. I was thinking of just making it known in our place of worship that we are seeking a birth mother. In NYC, (I hate to say this) most of the girls here would rather keep the child because we live in a society that glamorizes teen motherhood. I mean, look at that show Teen Mom and 16 and Pregnant? They do not show the consequences of such actions, not really. Also when you have people like the Kardashians having one baby after the next out of wedlock and making it seem like a wonderful thing, it doesn't really help young people, first not have premarital sex and getting pregnant, but also it makes them have the illusion that they can carry the responsibility of a baby at a young age. I think our best bet is looking within a new church when we move to Arkansas. I have a feeling that morals are a little better than they are here and that we would know who we are dealing with so that we can come to a good understanding and outcome.