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I think we all have past things that haunt us.
I too was raised in a Christian home, my basic needs being met but the spiritual element was floundering. So a person/child tries to fill the void with worldly stimulus, and of course that only goes so far. A person feels they have got to be the biggest and best and eventually reality sets in lol. What a relief to let off the pressure and know that all is well regardless of my short falls. I still struggle with my ideas of how I think things should play out, so I'm still trying to learn that it is not my game plan but His that matters. As Paul says we need to die daily.
God bless you my friend.