This may be a hard post for me to write, but I am going to write it because I need to vent and I need prayers and support. Like I say later on in this post, I am writing this publicly for a reason. Ever since I can remember I have suffered from depression. When I was 16 I wrote my first suicide letter to my mom. I had a handful of pills in my hand and changed my mind at the last minute. I put up the pills and destroyed the letter. I went on and tried to pretend it did not happen. When I was 18, I wrote another letter to my boyfriend. (He is still my boyfriend. We've been together very happily for 4 years). Again, I destroyed the letter and changed my mind. He never knew about the letter. He still doesn't know.
Like I have said in this post, I am writing this publicly for a very specific reason. That reason being that I wish to reach out to anyone suffering from this terrible disease. Depression is a serious problem. I can not tell you all how many times someone has told me, "Just get over it and be happy." That is not how it works, y'all. Not one bit. Do you know how many times I have tried to just "snap out of it?" Too many times to count. Let me give you all an example.. You know how it feels when you're running SUPER hot bath water or a shower with the bathroom door closed? Do you know how it starts steaming up really bad and after a while it gets like a hot sauna? Not the relaxing kind. I know that when my bathroom gets super hot like that, I have to get out. Right then. I get anxious and can't breathe. It's an awful feeling. That is exactly how my depression is. I can feel my life leaving from me slowly. My breathing is obstructed. And right when I feel like I can't breathe, I try to open the bathroom door but it's locked from the outside. That is depression, friends. It is an awful feeling. If you have ever suffered from depression, you know exactly what I am talking about.
If you are suffering from this, let me tell you that it gets so much easier. Your life is worth more than you realize. Look at the blessings you have. If you don't have much, look at what you do have and look at how you're reading this right now. You are alive. You are here for a reason. Don't ever let depression win. Never give up. These are the things I tell myself and it truly helps.
If you know someone suffering from depression, please never tell them to "just get over it." It isn't something they can just walk away from. I have tried walking away from it. It follows you. I promise. Just love them. Sit in silence with them. Get them out of the house and show them what live has to offer. Hug them. Talk to them about nothing. Gosh, watch funny cat videos if that's what will take away their pain for 10 minutes. Just do something. Most of all, pray for them. Pray for me. Please. This is such a terrible thing to go through. I hate when I feel this way. It's like I am not myself. I am most definitely, 100% a different person when I have an episode of depression. I am closed off from the world. I am in this dark pit.. (yes.. dark pit.. I realize how dramatic that sounds). And I am reaching out but its so hard to climb. I just want to lie at the bottom and be alone. I have no energy. I am praying to God that He will save me from this because it is not fun.
Luckily I have not even considered suicide since I was 18. Suicide is not an option for me. I realize how much I have to live for now, but that does not stop my depression, unfortunately. God is helping me though. He is definitely helping me through this. I don't know if I will ever be without depression, fully. What I do know, though, is that my God is incredible and He is called a savior for a reason. He will continue to save me and help me through difficult times. The devil will not win.
I hope you all consider praying for me and for all that may be suffering from this. I pray that you all tread lightly when speaking to a person suffering from depression. God isn't going to give up on them, so don't give up on them either. I promise you even if they seem stand-offish, you're helping just by reaching out.
Again, I am aware of how scattered my posts seem to be sometimes. It's hard to organize my thoughts. Hopefully by the next time I post, I will be my normal, happy, upbeat self. As for now, I am just going to continue fighting and thanking God for everything He has provided for me.
-Liz
It is sort of hard for me to find the root of my depression. I really don't know why it comes in random times in my life when things seem to be going just fine. I have faith that He will deliver me from this.
