Dusty's Jokes

[SIZE=+1]"Fisherman's tale" [/SIZE]


Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"
"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"
"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."
"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."
"But why?"
"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight."
 
Cleaning Poem

I asked the Lord to tell me
Why my house is such a mess.
He asked if I'd been 'computering',
And I had to answer "yes."

He told me to get off my fanny
And tidy up the house.
And so I started cleaning up...
The smudges off my mouse.

I wiped and shined the topside.
That really did the trick...
I was just admiring my work...
I didn't mean to 'click.'

But click, I did, and oops I found
A forum that's called Strang
That I got SO way into...
I was hours on the thang

Nothing's changed except my mouse
It's very, very shiny.
I guess my house will stay a mess...
While I sit here on my hiney.
 
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
 
Blonde Motorist



A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to San Diego?'

'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift?'

'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two
chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I' ll give you $100 for your trouble.'

'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. What the heck are you doing here?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'

'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over---so now we're going
Sea World'.!

​
 
[SIZE=+1]"Getting a passport" [/SIZE]

Before she died, an old American lady wanted to visit England, the home of her ancestors. She went to the Federal Office and asked for a passport.
"You must take the loyalty oath first," the passport clerk said. "Raise your right hand, please."
The senior citizen raised her right hand as the clerk asked, "Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, domestic or foreign?"
The sweet old face paled and the voice trembled as she responded, "Well, I guess so, but ... will I have help, or will I have to do it all by myself?"
 
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[FONT=arial,helvetica] Boring Pastor [/FONT]
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n elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.

"The front row please." she answered.

"You really don't want to do that", the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."

"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.

"No." he said.

"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked.

"No." she said.

"Good", he answered.
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[FONT=arial,helvetica] Name the Capital [/FONT]
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blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her "go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?" The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying.

The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!"

The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says "Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?"

The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy! It's M!"
 
Dusty said:
[SIZE=+1]Flawed security" [/SIZE]

There was an unexpected knock on my door, and like I always do I first opened the peephole and asked, "Who's there?"
"Parcel post, ma'am. I have a package that needs a signature."
"Where's the package?" I asked suspiciously. The deliveryman held it up.
"Could I see some ID?" I said, still not convinced.
"Lady," he replied wearily, "if I wanted to break into your house, I'd probably just use these." And he pulled out the keys I had left in the door.
Click to expand...

OOh, I have done that before!!!:rolleyes:
​
 
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[FONT=arial,helvetica] Adam's Rib [/FONT]
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t Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying as though he were ill, and said. "Johnny what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
 
REAL CHURCH ANNOUNCEMENTS:

"This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar."

"Don't let worry kill you! Let the church help!"

"Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow."

"Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community."

"For those of you who have children and didn't know it--we have a nursery downstairs."

"The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer."

"This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends."

"Tuesday at 4:00PM there will be an ice cream social. We're asking that all ladies giving milk please come early."

Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.

Thursday at 5:00PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers' Club. All ladies wishing to be Little Mothers will meet privately with the Pastor in his study.

The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement every Saturday.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Pastor, about donating to a charity: "I upped my pledge. Up yours!"

:)
 
[SIZE=+1]Old photos" [/SIZE]

Curious when I found two black-and-white negatives in a drawer, I had them made into prints. I was pleasantly surprised to see that they were of a younger, slimmer me, taken on one of my first dates with my husband.
When I showed him the photos, his face lit up. "Wow, look at that!" he said with appreciation. "It's my old Plymouth!"
 
[SIZE=+1]"Free will" [/SIZE]

A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form. The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease.
When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?" there was a long pause. Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Put down yes".
 
[SIZE=+1]"Friars" [/SIZE]

There once was a group of Friars living on a mountain top, basically communing and doing the things that Friars do. It was discovered that the soil around their monastery was extraordinarily fertile, and many strange and amazingly wonderful plants and flowers grew in the area. The Friars decided to cultivate these plants and flowers and see what types of new plants they could come up with.
After a while, people heard about all the wonderous plant life the Friars were developing. They came from miles around to tour the Monastery area. The Friars, who were very business minded for a group of religious folk, decided to start charging the people money for the seeds and tours.
After a while, they made such a tremendous profit that they decided to drop religion all together and become very wealthy and materialistic, which seemed to be more noble (not to mention a lot more fun).
The Pope heard about this, and as the owner of the land, decided to send a priest out to talk the Friars back into their religious life. When the priest arrived, the Friars responded badly to his conversion attempts and slit the priest's throat. Needless to say, the Pope was very upset at the news, and decided he'd have to brings out the big guns. (No, I won't mention religious canons.)
The Pope decided to send Bishop Hue to settle the matter. Now Bishop Hue was known to have a very bad temper. He went to see the Friars, who tried to slit his throat, too. Bishop Hue defended himself, slaying all the Friars, burning the monastery to the ground, destroying all the plant life, and ruining the area for many, many years to come.
MORAL: Only Hue can prevent Florist Friars.
 
[SIZE=+1]"Le/la computer" [/SIZE]

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like "chalk" or "pencil," she described, would have a gender association.
For example: House is feminine-"la" maison. In English, of course, words are of neutral gender.
Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other of men.
Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The men decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender (la) because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The group of women, however, concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine (le) gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better one.
 
[SIZE=+1]"Three tough rats" [/SIZE]

Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness.
The first says, "I'm so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!"
The second says, "Well I'm so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!"
Then the third rat gets up and says, "Later guys, I'm off home to harass the cat."
 
[SIZE=+1]More Ponderings" [/SIZE]

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"
What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
Why not modern Latin: VENI, VEDI, VISA - I came, I saw, I shopped.
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
Strange! No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
 
Why not modern Latin: VENI, VEDI, VISA - I came, I saw, I shopped.
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
:D:D:D
 
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