Though I became born again just after college back in the 70's, I have had a very rough time of it over the years, always struggling until last December 2006, when I finally repented for good of something that had been plaguing me on and off since I was a teenager. It was one of those things I kept picking up, trying to repent from, putting down and then picking up again. I prayed and prayed about it. I would force myself to abstain because I couldn't stay close to the Lord while I was doing it and then I'd slip once more. What was the nature of my sin? Well, I had been reading and writing 'romance stories' ....to be honest, it was really smut or porn.

I found a perfect place for Satan to fan the flames of my "on and off again" addiction when I got involved with a fan fiction site for a favorite movie star late in 2005. In February of 2006, I started one of the most popular story threads on the site. The positive feedback for my writing kept me stuck because of a false sense of satisfaction the whole scene had given me...because I hadn't yet found my satisfaction in Christ after all those years.

Last December, a little over 30 years since I first thought I had declared Christ my Savior and Lord, I found myself in a terrible world of sin and hurt. My heart ached so badly with loneliness that I wanted to die in spite all the "friends" I thought I had made on the site. One night on a chat among these friends, someone finally answered the question I had been asking for months. "Does anyone else feel badly about writing this kind of stuff?" By the grace of God, a gal started a side chat and said, "Let's talk..."

I was stunned and a little scared, not sure what to expect among the group who laughingly called themselves, "the smut girls." The gal, who answered me seemed like one of the worst of them. She told me she had been quite religious at one time in her life but it was a very long time ago. She admitted she was lost, too, and said she also wanted to quit. She saw I had never made any secret that I had some kind of belief. We decided we would pray, get help and help one another to get off the forum and stop writing the smut.

I kept trying in the week after our talk to get off the forum but didn't want to leave the friends I had made nor the praise I was use to getting for my stories. I went to bed every night, crying hopeless tears, begging to be set free. At the end of that week, an old friend of mine, who, ironically, I helped bring to Christ about 10 years before, offered to take me to a new church she'd found. A Bible teaching one, she said, one she knew I would like. She volunteered to pick me up. I was going to beg off at the last minute but it was hard to do when I found her standing at my door...early...ain't God a hoot?

I went to church with her that day. During that service, the senior pastor asked the church's group leaders to stand at the sides of the church. He quietly suggested that anyone who had something on their hearts, which was keeping them from a closer walk with God, try talking to one of the gentle folks lined up on walls of the sanctuary. I closed my eyes, began to cry, and saw a startling thing in my mind's eye. There were flames at the sides of the church! I opened my eyes and timidly made my way to the older woman standing nearest to where I was sitting. She smiled at me kindly and took my hands, seeing how upset I was. I took a deep, trembling breath and then quickly rattled off my story.

"I'm a single, divorced woman and just so lonely," I began to cry. "I was divorced almost 10 years ago. My ex- left because he found someone younger. I haven't even dated since then. When I had surgery this past year, I got bored at home since I couldn't do much and found this movie star's fan fiction site on the internet, where I took up writing romance stories..."

Claire just chuckled a little. Then I said the whole truth.

"I was writing smut, porn, made a lot of friends, got a lot of praise but it's killing me.." I started to sob, "I miss my God. It's tearing my heart out!"

That dear woman never flinched or condemned me. She cried with me, hugged me and prayed with me. I'm crying now as I write this because I am so grateful God plucked me out of that ugliness.

I went home, logged on and then spent nearly 3 hours deleting over 700 entries on 3 different sites. I figured I'd better make a clean break. Though others had also written stories on the thread, the deletions of my stories destroyed the thread because they were the backbone of it. There was a whole lot of anger about it but I had to slam the door on it forever. My good ole friends found out that I had a new Man in my life and they weren't happy about it. I had tried to get off the site before but always came back. Eventually, they all shunned me because I wasn't changing my mind this time.

I was a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and always felt good that I had never abused anyone sexually. I lived in unforgiveness and continued to resent my deceased father, who was the perpetrator of the sexual abuse in my childhood. Slowly, as I deleted all the stories, the scales fell from my eyes. I admitted I had become a perpetrator through this ugly writing and by encouraging others to write the same sort of garbage.

True, I was free of the forum and had stopped the writing, but spent the first couple of months fighting the longing to go back to the smut addiction I had so carefully cultured in the prior year. As a Christian, I had had to forcefully set aside the feelings of warning, gut wrenching sick feelings, to write that stuff. It became easier and easier to do over time as I wrote more shocking material to get the same highs in my own flesh and to solicit more startled reactions and praise from the readers. I wanted to 'stay quit' this time. I prayed, studied the Word, attended small groups at church and endured. Still, I would grumble privately on occasion that I was single and lonely so it wasn't fair! How much I've repeated the "it isn't fair" mantra in my life. Imagine if I'd spend those moments praying or repeating verses of healing and power from the Word?

A friend at church saw I was feeling down and let me borrow a DVD that had a Biblical teaching on it about God's plan for us. While that encouraged me because I love Jer. 29:11, that wasn't the cut that hooked me. It was the one talking about who God really was to each one of us. I was surprised to admit that my God was angry, distant, merely a punitive God.

Others had suggested to me in the past to pray that God would reveal Himself to me as He truly was. I sat down with my Bible after the DVD had ended, said in a rather smart mouthed way, "Okay, reveal Yourself to me even if it kills me!" I let my Bible fall open where it may. The words in my Bible jumped off the page with an electric kind of a shock into my head no matter where I looked. If I thought I could have gotten back off the carpet, I would have fallen onto my face to cry, "Holy, Holy, Holy!"

That day the Lord set me free of the belief that I could never have any real satisfaction in my life without having a husband (for sexual fullfillment and companionship, of course). I had forgotten how frustrating and lonely a loveless marriage could be after being divorced for 10 years. Everyone kept telling me over those years, "What you need in your life is a man!" I had begun to believe it again but I believed that was all I needed because I got so angry at God after my ex-husband left me to raise our boys alone.

Christ showed me that day that HE was my satisfaction, He was my best Friend, He was my All. Everything else paled in comparison. I can't describe what happened exactly. I asked and the Lord, being a faithful kind of a God, let me have it.

Why didn't God show this to me years ago? I guess I wasn't ready for the lessons I needed to learn. I wasn't ready to forgive my father...I thought I was better than my father because I would never sin like that. I was a good girl and looked down on a friend's husband ensnared in pornography. I had to be knocked down a few pegs and learn I wasn't above doing ANYTHING in this world except by the grace of God. Jesus, how faithful and truly great Thou art!

After my 'mountain top' experience, God, having the sense of humor that He does, moved a gal at church to ask me to type up our pastor's lovely Easter message. The words were to be attached to a DVD for the hearing impaired. I greatly improved my typing skills, etc. all those months on the smut site. Funny how God uses us to His glory in the end if we all we do is become willing.

Okay, I wasn't going to say much here...LOL! That's my story. You hear about men being stuck in porn but not "good Christian women." I've been telling my Christian friends my story, trying to be honest and truthful at last. Everyone of them, including my Christian counselor, met my words with disbelief. I didn't seem like "that kind of person!"

I'm exactly that kind of person...the kind Christ came and died for! Blessed be His Name!

Take care and God bless you all real good!

God is awesome and His grace immeasureable- welcome to CFS sister
first I have a great deal of respect for you and your conplete honesty.
That took alot for you to sacrifice your pride to tell your story and I respect you very much for that.
Yes, God is greater than any of us or our addictions or downfalls.
It appears your eyes have truly been opened to many revelations in your life, past and present.
I am so glad you are here.
And isn't it wonderful to have the kind of true friends who would never judge you for past sins but take you in loving arms and be here for you~
Love, Violet
Thanks so much, folks! It's wonderful to find such uplifting and spiritual folks!

I am hoping to start a dialog here with other Christian woman who might be secretly struggling with this. It's not something folks want to confess but once the Lord has freed us, there is no shame in sharing it. I have nothing without Christ in my life and with Him, there is no condemnation!

I am grateful to have a forum where I can talk about my love for Christ without being made fun of. There's too many places out there on the net where the mere mention of having a faith gets jeers and criticism. I don't know how folks face the travails of life without God.

Meanwhile, may God bless and keep everyone on this site. Praise God!
Hello, Sandy and Welcome to CFS.

We are glad that you found our 'family' and you will find friends here that have all been through similar life experiences.

The difference between this forum and others, claiming to be "Christian Sites", is that we are strictly dedicated to the Gospel of Jesus Christ and His teachings. We do not tollerate spammers, bashers, false teachers or fake registrants and our Moderator Team has been formed from people in many different worldwide time zones, so someone is always here to 'take care of business'. We ban those who would destroy Chriatian Values and we report their activities to their Internet Service Providers. It is difficult for bashers to continue to do their deeds without an internet connection.

Thank you for your testimony and we welcome you to share in the fellowship that is available to you here at CFS.
Sandy, Great testimony! It really touched my heart. Welcome to our site and feel free to talk to us about anything. Pastor Gary is right. We are always on high alert to keep unwanted things out of here. Have a blessed time here. :D
Sandy, Great testimony! It really touched my heart. Welcome to our site and feel free to talk to us about anything. Pastor Gary is right. We are always on high alert to keep unwanted things out of here. Have a blessed time here. :D

Then God has brought me to the right place, a place of safe harbour dedicated to Him and His Word! I appreciate the welcome folks!