Chris, just from my gut, I don't think this is you not believing. I think you know deep, deep down what is real, but that you are struggling with things that have made you question your faith. I too have dealt with horrible, dark thoughts. I too have questioned my faith. I have thought I'm going to hell countless times and that this is all a joke because at the end of the day, God wont save me. I've thought, "Yeah, I can keep trying, but deep down he knows I doubt."
I get it. I've been there. I am there. Though, deep, deep down I KNOW he is real. Why? Well, I had a crazy thing happen to me that I could never explain well enough to express the magnitude it had on my faith. Again though, I still struggle with feeling as thought I am saved.
Here's the thing: I might never see heaven, but I do know one thing for sure....God and Jesus are real. I kind of know you do too.
I have faith you will figure this out.