How is it possible that God could love me?

[Unregistered and Confused]

How is it possible that God could love me?

I have many issues but I want to ask about this one. My background is I was raised in a nonreligious environment where me and my brother were severely emotionally abused. Also I was abandoned by my mother at around age one or earlier. My brother is psychotic as a result of our childhood horrors. I supposedly suffer from at least 5 personality disorders including paranoia personality disorder, borderline personality disorder and a few others all at high percentages.

I do not feel love. If it exists I have never felt it. I was baptized a Christian in 1981 and have always believed Jesus was God's son. I got there by myself pretty much. I chose to believe. I learned from CS Lewis that faith is a choice and I chose it.
I went to a church for 15 years and it actually ended up being almost a cult. They didn't fully accept me because my husband didn't attend. Me and my daughter were treated as though we didn't matter and were not included in the social aspect of it. Why did I keep going? I thought I was doing the right thing at the time, I didn't know where else to go. They also made me feel like if I left the church that I was lost to God. My health also was slowly deteriorating from the stresses and traumas of my life and that church added to the stress instead of building me up. So I did quit finally and have been afraid to go back to any church since that time (1996). Now my health is really bad and I trace it back to my childhood because of the trauma.

What I have trouble believing is God wanting me to be with him in heaven. I have been used, abused, rejected so much that I cannot imagine God wanting me in heaven with him. I try to live a good life, I seek forgiveness for my sins. I have resentments I struggle with but I just cannot imagine me being accepted into heaven.

How can a person who never had unconditional love imagine such a love? I see God rejecting me just as my own parents did (all 4 of them, mother, father and step parents).
I just cannot feel God's love for me. I pray for help and it doesnt come. I want to trust God. I want it more than anything. He is all I have. I need help. Sometimes I feel as though I am going to go crazy thinking I will not get to be with God when I die. I love Jesus for what he did for mankind and I don't have hate for anyone. I resent my parents but I don't hate them. I forgave them, but the pain is still there, and it affects my health. I resent them for making me what I am. I need some kind of spiritual counseling so I can move on and believe in God's love for me. I cannot afford counseling.

Is there hope for me? How do I feel or believe in a love I have never experienced? I feel like I have to be perfect to get to heaven but that is discounting God's grace. I feel like a child who is forever lost and wants nothing more than to go home but that God is so disappointed in me that he does not want me. I cannot intellectually or emotionally grasp the concept of God wanting me with him. How do I get to the place I see others at where they are so certain they will be welcomed into God's presence?

 

[NearertoGod]

Hello there,

I am sorry to hear about your situation and will help as best as I can.

I have many issues but I want to ask about this one. My background is I was raised in a nonreligious environment where me and my brother were severely emotionally abused. Also I was abandoned by my mother at around age one or earlier. My brother is psychotic as a result of our childhood horrors. I supposedly suffer from at least 5 personality disorders including paranoia personality disorder, borderline personality disorder and a few others all at high percentages.

To be honest you are not the only one who has suffered from emotional abuse. It was not as severe as yours but I know that feeling of not knowing what love is...it took me a long time to find love. I used to ask my mom all the time "Do you love me?", and I asked her about other people loving me. I didn't know what love was because I had never really gotten it from my parents. I had only received it from my grandmother and pets.

I do not feel love. If it exists I have never felt it. I was baptized a Christian in 1981 and have always believed Jesus was God's son. I got there by myself pretty much. I chose to believe. I learned from CS Lewis that faith is a choice and I chose it.

I agree. To me, faith is a choice. To believe in God is your choice - not mine. I don't believe in forcing people to believe in God and putting them in a position they aren't comfortable in. It was also my choice to believe in God. My grandmother is a woman of God, and she allowed me to choose. My father tried to (unsuccessfully) force Christianity on me but quite frankly, it annoyed me a little bit but I never turned sour on it. I think because of my grandmother showing me the kind, loving, and just nature of LORD and her getting cancer, and me seeing her live...it just really changed something. Or maybe it was just meant to be? I will never know...

I went to a church for 15 years and it actually ended up being almost a cult. They didn't fully accept me because my husband didn't attend. Me and my daughter were treated as though we didn't matter and were not included in the social aspect of it. Why did I keep going? I thought I was doing the right thing at the time, I didn't know where else to go. They also made me feel like if I left the church that I was lost to God.

That is not right on your part. You are not a perfect human being and no one should pick at you just because your whole family doesn't attend. We should not, especially as God's Children, pick at other people's wounds when we have a big huge block in our eyes. My parents are divorced and my mother doesn't like to attend church because she doesn't want people knowing she single. I can relate to how she feels.

Not all churches are like that, though. You have to find the right one. Some churches are just really not all that nice and some are. One thing I have to remember is to not judge from the outside (earthly concerns, our own problems here on Earth, etc.) but to try to let God judge the heart, instead of the body. It's not your fault your husband doesn't attend, it's his choice.

My health also was slowly deteriorating from the stresses and traumas of my life and that church added to the stress instead of building me up. So I did quit finally and have been afraid to go back to any church since that time (1996). Now my health is really bad and I trace it back to my childhood because of the trauma.

Don't be afraid of churches. Again, not all of them are like that. Many are wonderful places. Churches are houses of mixed bodies. Some will be full of hurt people who like to hurt others to heal their hurt. Many of those people who criticized you at the other church, more than likely, had some of their own problems and instead of trying to console and comfort you they picked and tried to make themselves feel better by finding your weaknesses and your faults to cover up their own.

What I have trouble believing is God wanting me to be with him in heaven. I have been used, abused, rejected so much that I cannot imagine God wanting me in heaven with him. I try to live a good life, I seek forgiveness for my sins. I have resentments I struggle with but I just cannot imagine me being accepted into heaven.

God does want you in Heaven. Just because you have been abused does not make you bad. No one is perfect and we shouldn't force ourselves to be. God loves you the way you are. He forgives you and died on the cross for people like you...so that you wouldn't have to suffer and be afraid. Just open your heart to Him - I know it might be hard because you never had, but He will touch you. Just try...

How can a person who never had unconditional love imagine such a love? I see God rejecting me just as my own parents did (all 4 of them, mother, father and step parents).

God is not like your parents. Don't be afraid that He will reject you. You were made by God. You are apart of His Creation. God loves you so, so very much. If He will care for a little sparrow then how much more do you think He cares for you? God does not abandon us, God doesn't hurt us, God doesn't criticize or beat us down. He is not like us and we should never think He will be. Sometimes it is hard when you live in the world and people are hateful, mean, spiteful, and wicked. But God is that light at the end of the very dark tunnel.

I just cannot feel God's love for me. I pray for help and it doesn't come.

One thing you must realize, my dear, is that God's love comes from accepting it and opening yourself up to Him. Wounds and all. You have to come to God just as you are, raw and real, so that He can put you in the fire and purify you. We are covered in all the dirt and muck from years of living in this world and God is the Cleanser.

I want to trust God. I want it more than anything. He is all I have. I need help. Sometimes I feel as though I am going to go crazy thinking I will not get to be with God when I die. I love Jesus for what he did for mankind and I don't have hate for anyone. I resent my parents but I don't hate them. I forgave them, but the pain is still there, and it affects my health. I resent them for making me what I am. I need some kind of spiritual counseling so I can move on and believe in God's love for me. I cannot afford counseling.

God is your counselor. Not all counseling can help, though, but the best medicine is God. I think you are going down the right path. Your heart is in the right place and it is seeking and searching. That is a good thing. When you seek God you usually find Him. Seek ye first...that just came to mind.

Is there hope for me? How do I feel or believe in a love I have never experienced? I feel like I have to be perfect to get to heaven but that is discounting God's grace. I feel like a child who is forever lost and wants nothing more than to go home but that God is so disappointed in me that he does not want me. I cannot intellectually or emotionally grasp the concept of God wanting me with him. How do I get to the place I see others at where they are so certain they will be welcomed into God's presence?

Yes, there is hope for you. There is hope for everyone in this Universe yet it is a matter of 'will you'? You do not have to be perfect, in the literal sense, to go to Heaven. We think that to go to Heaven we have to do this and that and the other...but getting to God is more than that. It's not 1, 2, 3...for me it was acceptance and trust and love, just what you are going through.

God loves you. Your past experiences (and believe me I have gone through this, too) are working into your fears and it seems you are afraid of rejection. Which, of course, is completely understandable. Remember that God is not like us - He does not reject people just because they're not the 'perfect' Christian, if there ever is such a thing.

Please, continue praying, continue seeking God. The road is long and hard but in the end the reward is so much greater.

Love,

NTG :heart:

 

[adonaicole]

Is there hope for me? How do I feel or believe in a love I have never experienced?

There is always hope, for he loves you steadfast and sure. To feel love, simply love someone, a small child, a homeless person, someone undeserving of your love and you will understand your Father's love for you.

 

[Unregistered]

I'm so sorry for what you've been through. But we know that God is just and merciful and He is NOT ok with what happened to you. He is against it and He will fight on your behalf. It is not possible for anyone to imagine God's love. God's love is different than any unconditional love anyone can ever receive on earth. You are not the only one who doesn't understand it.

The first thing you need to do is throw out the idea that you must have received earthly, humanly love in order to understand God's love. God's love is wholly other, it is incomparable to any kind of love we receive here on earth. God's love pursues you, it is intensely jealous for you, it fights for you and dies for you. We need to learn as if we are infants again, what kind of love God has bestowed on us. We cannot let what we've experienced in life interpret God for us. It must be the other way around. We must let what God says about Himself interpret life for us.

Get in the Word and LEARN about God's love. Learn about His Son and what He did for us. Learn about His justice and His mercy, His righteousness, holiness, His tenderness and faithfulness. Do not look at God through the lens of the world, instead look at the world through the lens of Scripture. His love is something that you've never experienced before, but from this day on, you can start to know His love by being a disciple and learning from His Word.

I hope this help. I'll be praying for you.

 

[New2Christ]

O, sis...
How much i love you, I do not know you, but I am proud of you anyway for coming this far and allowing yourself to love the LORD and to not hold hate in your heart.

i do not know the reason, but sometimes some people have a lot more"rain" than other's. Did you deserve it, NO! Do you know that? i truly hope and pray so...

The best counceller, in the world is Jesus.. Sis, that church is like many, in it for themselves and not for GOD, because God loves the meek, and the poor, the humble and the needy.. I know, I have been in all those spots,.

Please reconsider going back to church, but if you do not feel immediately welcome and begin to feel cared for and uplifted, don't stay, find another untill you know for your self that God is their main focus, because when you find that, the rest will be there...

please, find sister's and bro's you can talk to, here is a great start! Encouragment goes a long way..
Blessing to you sister!

 

[Unregistered and Confused]

Thanks

I will take to heart what you have all given to me and refer to it when I feel hopeless. I can tell a lot of thought went into your replies and it is appreciated. If I have any more questions I know where to come now.
And so it isnt misunderstood...l can love others and feel that, I just don't feel it when someone loves me.
I'd say more but I am not feeling well tonight and need to keep this short but wanted to let you know you are appreciated.

 

[Unregistered]

Hello again. Just wanted to find out more about you. How long have you been dealing with social anxiety? What is it like? Are there anyone you feel close to? How old are you? Are you male or female? There are many more questions I have, but you can start with those if you feel comfortable answering. hope you feel better and come back soon!