trusting and having faith in Jesus

I began my spiritual journey during the fifth semester of electrical engineering study at college. I broke up with a lady 12 years my senior because it made me feel uncomfortable for some reason. We weren't married, btw.

I began to pursue the bible and a church I grew up in. They taught more sins/punishment than love/grace, for all that's worth. Immediately I started to show signs of bipolar disorder. I eventually had to quit college because my mind was delusional as well as manic depressive. And the worst of it is that I couldn't find a peace with God. I guess I had been too atheistic to even believe God exists. So looking back, I can see it would take some time. But I began becoming, at age 22, afraid God was damning me. I remember yelling out this fear to my parents, and they eventually took me to the hospital.

Long story short, here I am at 43, I belong to a grace teaching church, and I've advanced only from atheism to kind of agnostic. But leaning a little bit more on the believing side of agnostic. I profess to be Christian, been baptized several years ago, but am struggling with doubt and unbelief. I fear the torment I felt at 22 years old will be my destiny if I die today. All of me hopes that God's love is a whole lot bigger than this, part of me believes it is and part of me still believes I will suffer in eternity.

Trusting Jesus - I don't know if I even know Him very well to trust. But I want to. I have a strong desire to know Him, because I believe He is the Messiah sent by God. I confess Him as Lord and believe God raised Him from the dead.

I'm just being as honest with you guys as I can. I'm afraid. I don't know what to do. Here's my question - because each time I try this, I fall on my face: if I decide to start trusting Jesus today, will He lead me on the way?

Another question: in the past I've tried to be holy, but didn't really have Jesus inside my heart. I acted the part, but kept pressing and pursuing the pastor with questions because I felt like I didn't know Jesus. He kept saying, "If you've put your faith and trust in the finished work of Jesus, you've been saved, and you have the Holy Spirit in you, and no one can pluck you from the Father's hand."

And each time I tell him, "I don't know if I've really put my faith and trust in Him." My pastor responds, "You wouldn't be bothered about this if you didn't have the Holy Spirit prodding you and the Father drawing you to Jesus."

So this is as far as I get. I know the Spirit of God is prodding me to do something at this point. To do what? I'm not sure.

Here's what I think it is. And it is VERY difficult for me to understand how to handle this issue:

I have a different girlfriend now, who I met at a church 6 years ago. We started dating, and I sprung my lust on the scene, and we had sex the first time. It was my doing. I own it. Since that time, I've been telling her I don't want that kind of sexual relationship anymore because it's wrong. And it was my fault for ever starting that kind of relationship before marriage. She gets very emotional about this, understandably, and she wants to be able to show me love in this way as well as non-sexual type of love.

So we looked into getting married. Because I am a high-risk health consumer for Medicare and Medicaid, I absolutely need to stay on my current plan. Going to the Affordable Care Act would cripple our finances and she doesn't want to go there, neither do I or my family. Without seeing the doctors as much and getting my meds, I would probably not live long.

If we married, I'd lose my Medicaid. Not good. Here's what I hear: Have more faith, God will provide. OR Either get married or separate. Nobody is seeing that we are truly in love, but we face impossible circumstances imposed by the state. No, nothing is impossible with God, and He could provide for me somehow. But will God change the laws of Medicaid and the Affordable Care Act just for us? It's not unheard of, but would YOU take that chance? Is your faith strong enough to take that chance? Mine isn't.

Any thoughts or suggestions? I pray daily for God to save me thru Jesus. I'm going crazy.
So marrying will cause you to lose your medical aid? You have been with her for a while?

If you have, you are already married. You should perhaps just get engaged and stay engaged until the day comes that you can marry. There is always a best to worst case scenario. As long as we opt for the best, it shows its our hearts desire to please the Lord. God makes a way where there seems to be no way Isa 43:19 I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.

Some scriptures for your predicament are:

2 Cor 13:5 Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you--unless, of course, you fail the test?

1 Cor 11:31 But if we were more discerning with regard to ourselves, we would not come under such judgment.

John 1:3 All things were made through him, and without him was not any thing made that was made.

Psalm 37:23 The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord: and he delighteth in his way.

John 9:31 Now we know that God does not hear sinners; but if anyone is a worshiper of God and does His will, He hears him.