Amazing
Why won't God help me?
- Thread starter PureBeliever
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Hello PureBeliever
Sounds like to me like you are letting the evil one pull one over on you.
Reading you posts: You aren't having any trouble communicating and you sound like a pretty regular guy...
Let me tell you a story:
I know this sister that had an emotional trauma happen in her life and felt that she needed some psychiatric help so she committed her self to the ward.
The wife and I went to visit her and I asked her 'What She Was Doing in Here!'
In a few days she came to her senses, stopped believing the lie and started carrying on with life.
She is now doing just fine...
I enjoyed reading some of the feedback you received and I agree that if God's Word is going to have preeminence in our life we need to feed on it...
Sounds like to me like you are letting the evil one pull one over on you.
Reading you posts: You aren't having any trouble communicating and you sound like a pretty regular guy...
Let me tell you a story:
I know this sister that had an emotional trauma happen in her life and felt that she needed some psychiatric help so she committed her self to the ward.
The wife and I went to visit her and I asked her 'What She Was Doing in Here!'
In a few days she came to her senses, stopped believing the lie and started carrying on with life.
She is now doing just fine...
I enjoyed reading some of the feedback you received and I agree that if God's Word is going to have preeminence in our life we need to feed on it...
I am a survivor of a severe attack by the Enemy,and you can be sure that we are no match for Satan.Fortunately for us Believers, “ greater is He that is in us, than he who is in the world “. You will win this battle ,for “ Blessed men GO THROUGH valleys of weeping”...... I will remember you in prayer.....God bless
Dear PureBeliever,
I have not visited nor posted for a longtime. I quitted 2 years ago when a senior member commented how annoyed he was reading my life problems and I should tough it out and get on with life. I apologized to him in shame and decided this is not a place to share. Any negative feeling is better to keep to yourself
I am grateful to run into your post that really resonates. I never thought there is another person who has the similar challenge as I do. I hope whatever I learned will help you deal with your challenge. Thank you very much to allow me to use your post as a platform to share my own spiritual journey. I want to write down, like a snap shot of where I am today (0926 Jan 26 2018), so years from now I can look back and reflect on how the journey takes me. I do not intend to write again in this forum. Being such a spiritual oddity and filled with such negative view of God, this is not the place I belong.
For those who are offended by my harsh views of God, I am sorry. I am angry with God and use so much and so often profanity against the Holy Trinity that I do not see how I can be forgiven and find a path back to him. The next time, if I ever write again, I hope to tell you I understood why I have my illness as I have and the good news how God is indeed the all loving and just God and I find my way back to him.
(Please remember me in your prayer. One specific prayer request - to pray for a few hours restful pain-free sleep each night so when I get up in the morning I can act like a normal person. This is what I pray for since 1975 that remained unanswered).
As this is a long post, I put the advices upfront followed by my own story. If anyone who is interested in my journey, please read on.
MY ADVICES:
In all. I think what helped me through this specific issue of eye contact: Fellowship - a strong network of friends that help each other, what you did in sharing such private matter is truly admirable. Through genuine sharing comes strong support among friends and that is very powerful. Word of God – that is by far my most effective tool, by committing all your favorite scriptures to memory, categorizes them and review them often, it is analogous to infantryman's rifle for day to day combat. I used to keep a stack of 3x5 card to write down any verses that I like. Get yourself a index box for easy access. When you commute to work in metro or during breaks, pull out the handy card to read and meditate. Focus in helping others - everyone has their challenge, they may be laughing outside but crying inside, I found by being total sincere to your friends or strangers and just be kind and helpful without expecting anything in return will make you forget your own problem. There are so many people globally who are so much worst than we are. I came to believe a lot of my social issues may be from pride, thinking too highly of myself, too self-centered and over sensitive. When we do not take our self too seriously, a lot of the social pressure will go away. Expand your knowledge and interests – I concluded that a cause of my fear of making eye contact is the lack of things to communicate, I am afraid to engage because I have nothing interesting to offer. I can acknowledge the other person but usually followed by awkward silence with little to share. I learned by expand my hobbies, read more, build more interests and even go to the length of collecting interesting news articles, can make me a more interesting person and have a fun chatty time with other people. I started a few years back in listening to audio books from local library. Proud to say that I just listened my 100th book. It enriches me greatly. Local community colleges are good place to take interesting classes. Volunteer for community & charity group – the saying that “happiness is to give” is so true, there are so many less fortunate people than us. As simple as volunteering as English teacher in local library or joining group like “Habitat for Humanity” or soup kitchens are great ways to share your God blessed gifts. When you take away the focus on yourself and give to others, amazing things happen. Make the “Prayer of Saint Francis” your personal prayer (link). Be physical and join sport activities – physical activities have a way to loosen your nerve and build bonds and trust with other people. A hobby that resurfaced for me recently is fishing with friends and neighbors. A typical trip leaves at 4am, stop for coffee and bait, watch the beautiful sunrise, board the boat, chat and catch. Everybody are happy and best buddy. I enjoy biking. Invite couple pals to go on a day long bike trip. When you are sweating and the fragrance of nature, you will feel fine connecting with others visually or verbally. Take a scripture 3x5 card with you (e.g Josh 1:9)
MY STORY:
People said the eye is the window into your soul. That is a remarkable communication channel. Do you remember the first time you make eye contact with your first love. It is so sweet. The opposite is true, it can terrorize you through simple eye contact as if the person can look through your mind and see ugly you. I have the same problem with making eye contact with other people, I felt afraid and unsure what to say as if as that moment I have nothing left in my brain. It is extremely unsettling and painful for people who do not have such issue. I started experiencing this issue since 1968 when I was in grade school. I think I know how this issue developed. I have a facial birth defect in my upper lip and I was always very self-conscious of my deformity. I cannot even feel comfortable seeing myself in the mirror, I saw a freak, let along carry a decent conversation with other people, I cannot look into people's eyes. School bullies can be so mean to make fun of people who look different. As I got into high school, my isolation compounded with chronic eye ailments and ulcers (I assumed the ulcer was induced by the tense and stress of fearing the crowd), just make my childhood so miserable. During lunch break and school events, I chose to find a quiet corner to eat by myself or simply hide. I am an ace student though, because I found fulfillment and self-worth by having good grades. My isolation made me study harder as if to make up for my physical abnormality. I have no dates and really craved for romantic relationship. My youth were pretty much filled with despair and bad memories. I was admitted to hospital for bleeding ulcer at Grade 7 - that was the time when a normal kid should enjoy the fullest of what happy childhood could offer. In 1972 I developed, over the next decades, an eye aliment that later evolved into an eye disease called orbital hemangioma which is a benign slowly progressive vascular tumor in the left eye lid. Looking back, I am not sure exactly how I survived the entire childhood and youth. Just feel cheated of the best part of my life.
Then in the Fall of 1975, a friend pointed out the facial defect can be malignant. I had a surgical procedure to have this defect removed. It left a tiny scar, but the defect is no longer noticeable. For the first time, I felt normal. But that social anxiety never goes away. I always felt inferior as if I am incomplete. This social paranoid mental issues are like a beast always lurking in the background. When I wake up in the morning, I do not what kind of day it is, a spirit filled day or a timid-hide-in-a-hole day. Spiritually, I was in a Christian grade school and later in a Catholic high school. So, I am familiar with the Bible stories. I enjoyed the Bible lessons when the teacher told us the Bible stories and the heroic OT characters. There were even “golden verses” that we had to memorize. But Jesus meant nothing to me then. 1975 (October) was the year I accepted Christ through an evangelical organization that originated from military fellowship. Their mantra is " born to reproduce". Their favorite saying is " hey, man, where is your Timothy? How many people you witness today?” Memorizing scriptures, “quiet time” and rigorous witnessing are this group's signature traits. I got my training and for the next few years of my college life I was quite productive in campus ministries and building up disciples. I was studying to be an engineer and my grades suffered. I was so indoctrinated by this militant campus group that mentally I feel the need to keep up with the expectation, the façade of zealous Christian, the ministry takes precedence over academics. There was a running joke the good one never date, as they are so dedicated to let real life needs get in the way of winning souls. Purity was a big thing. Nobody talked about it, but I know and learned later many of my peers (including myself) failed miserably in this virtue. Personally, I tried, even checking off on the calendar of related offenses to better monitor and hopefully manage the impure desires. But the beast is always there, same beast that devoured King David and many faithful men. One of most frustrating aspect of my faith is the inability to overcome purity sins – in contrary to the powerful verses that admonish us that we are new creation and we can overcome everything through Christ. When I resisted with all the discipline I could muster and yet failed repeatedly, it really cut into your psyche. I would include gluttony (aka binge eating), pride/vanity (show off how spiritual you are among your peers) were other cracks on my armor that left me exposed. The continual failures to overcome sins were so devastating in my spiritual life. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I have the victory with God’s word. One question that troubled me is why it is so difficult for single Christian to find the Godly women or Godly man. Maybe I am overly naïve that a mate will keep me from committing purity sins but being single (unlike Apostle Paul whom I heard had the special gift in this area) makes men very vulnerable.
For a long gap from 1981 (year I married) to 1999, my time was consumed with being a husband and father, 100% secular life. I was done with my faith. One evening in 1999 I was in the basement tired from a day of work and recalled those ministry days of the 1970s and wondering what happened to my college campus ministry team. That was the spiritual awakening as I like to call it. I started renewing old contacts and levering email and web site to organize and building the network. From 1999 on till 2012, I think I have given my best shot to walk with Christ, actively working on students, workplace Bible study group and started a local restaurant worker ministry (restaurant workers are by far one of the most neglect group of people, they work long and unusual hours). One irony is that as I walked closer to God in these years, I and my wife grew farther apart. During all these years from 1975 on, the physical ailments and the continue social awkwardness never left me. The orbital hemangioma has developed into a very annoying health issue with persistent head pain and swollen eyelid when I exerted myself on physical activities. Due to the persistent head pain, I sleep about three hours a night and wake up groggy. I think I overcome all my physical and mental illness through the word of God (Proverbs 3:5-6. Joshua 1:9, Jeremiah 29:11, I Chronicles 4:10, Isaiah 58, James 1, book of Job to name a few). There were days when I felt so tired and sick, yet I kept repeating to myself my favorite verses (I wrote these in a 3x5 cards a collection of all my favorite). I cried out to God, literally screaming for relief. I even, foolishly as I look back now, practiced what someone shared with me what Campus Crusade founder Bill Bright did to start the day by asking the Holy Spirit to bless every one of his faculty starting with the arm/legs. For a few months, I did that, after a headache filled and sleepless night, I woke up and go through the ritual of asking the Holy Spirit to bless me and use every part of me for that day. Apostle Paul’s inspirational verses about his thorn in the flesh (may be eye issue) always encourage me as well. A good soldier just marches forward.
(One oddity of my faith I noticed early on, I am not sure why I did not feel much joy in sharing the gospel. It is more like a duty a soldier needs to perform to please his commander. Friendship evangelism works for me, but I was terrified the practice of witnessing to people I do not know. I went ahead with doing that anyway with tracts always handy in my backpack, just in case the “divine appointment” arrived. That puzzled me as I saw other Christian brothers and sisters are so genuinely joyful in their evangelical experience. Maybe I was never a true believer to start with). A colleague shared with me what Mother Teresa experienced – the “long dark night” and she did not feel the presence of God yet she faithfully served. What an inspiration and that encouraged me greatly.
It is truly the grace of God, and his power only, that I was able to sustain a decent Christian life from 1999 to 2012. I also draw inspiration from other Christians who were able to overcome their adversity and become a faithful and effective servant. I first read Joni Eareckson Tada bio in 1976 (still has her original edition), I always remember the verses she used in her book prologue and by far my favorite in time of trouble. II Corinthians 4:8-10 " We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.10 We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body". When I was exhausted after a long evening of ministry to restaurant workers, Isaiah 40:31 revived me. And all those wonderful Christian hymns that still drove me into tears. I would let songs like "Be thou my vision", "Sing Hallelujah to the Lord", "Seek ye first " keep on playing and immersed in the incredible love I felt at the time how great God is. I was so moved by the songs that I started crying. The scriptures and worship songs were the drugs that maintain my spiritual life. It lost its potency as years went by with the same old illness and unfulfilled promises.
At this point, I wish I can continue to share my story in a positive light. I am struggling to understand, why I no longer walk in the faith. This is the same God I believe now as it was in 1975 when I accepted his son. But I no longer believe in him as a loving father. With 40 years of Christian life behind me, I suppose to be getting stronger, more battle hardened and more mature, not back sliding. The spiral down started in 2012, 4 years after the official divorce. (I was surprised the years in between the 2007 separation and the final divorce in 2009 were my best years in serving. Being single allowed me more time in church and ministry activities. And doors were opened for me to serve. These were arduous work meeting students in the evenings and restaurant fellowship that followed into wee hours of the morning, but these were memorable times).
I do not recall the defining moment or event, from 2012 on, when I fell off the wagon. It is a culmination of life long disappointments, intimate relationships that I craved but found none, brokenness from divorce, lack of joy and fulfillment from the spiritual realm and exacerbated by the realization that my two major health issues of sleeping disorder and eye ailment will remain with me for the rest of my life. What saddened most was the fact that the years when I felt I was most active in serving other people, I drifted apart from my wife until the day she moved out with my 2 daughters. As the despair set in, other manageable problems amplified. I started to question more and more God’s character and the Biblical events that demands good answers.
One question that stands out is how I viewed the Biblical events and its characters such as Moses whom I frequently used as my role model. Looking at the OT, he was a war criminal and the conquest of the promised land was the worst ethnic cleansings and atrocities committed and sanctioned by mankind sanctioned by God. And about Job’s suffering for the sake of God wanted to prove a point. There is just too much suffering and pain inflicted to mankind to be explained that God is loving and just and he cries for us yet sit on the sideline to let Satan ravages his children in such hideous way and for so long. And the standard response to suffering is that suffering is good for us made little sense as it destroyed me instead of strengthening me.
I researched other ex-Christians’ experience that I can find comfort in. There are not too many, but I did find a web site with a good library of testimonies. A few of them were written in such depth and width of reasoning and emotions that I found it both comforting and assuring. Assuring in that I am not alone in the struggle. What I noticed, however, are many who walked away from the faith made smooth transition into atheism and live a happy life. Dilemma I am in is that I still believe in God who is still the mighty, powerful and omnipresent God just like the Psalmists said. But I cannot reconcile him with the God I once thought us loving and just. Is it too much for God to grant me a few hours of restful sleep, a small bread crumb?
PATH FORWARD:
From1981 to 1999 I was a Seventh Day Adventist. The book of Revelation influences my thinking. With so many problems mankind is facing on different fronts - environmental, food and water shortage, international and cultural change, I have this foreboding that the world is moving toward the apocalyptic end as the book predicted. Maybe it will happen in my lifetime. Despite my negative view of God, I still believe in his sovereignty over mankind. Psalm 144:1 is the verse that continues to keep my hope alive “Blessed be the Lord my rock, who trained my finger for battles and my hand for war”. My spiritual pilot light is the expectation that the experiences, no matter how odd, is God’s way to prepare a person for dark days ahead. The Biblical character Samson will be a better metaphor for me and more parallel my journey. Samson was never a faithful servant, but more a wanton and undisciplined person that somehow God still use to do work. Ultimately his shortcoming and personal failing (like my inability to overcome impurity sin, pride and gluttony) led Samson to his demise. But in the end, God found a way to use him to serve him one more time. God has invested in me, all the training in information technology and other skills. My path forward is to enrich myself with other practical skills like urban farming, emergency medical services, radio communication, auto repair that one day when the dark day arrive, I can serve God’s community in a tangible way. It is hard not to verbally express my anger at God. But I will try to keep the peace by not offending him and keep the 2nd part of the commandment – to love your neighbors. I no longer concern myself with not going to heaven. If I am going down to hell, I will have a lot of companies. When the notion of this eternal reward is taken out from my expectation, I feel liberated.
Thanks for reading my story. As God is infallible, I have to conclude my current spiritual demise are all self-afflicted with the three transgressions (purity, gluttony, pride/vanity) being the core failures. These I confessed to God for forgiveness and renewal. I did try to be good but trying is not good enough. I hope, with his mercy and grace, I will post again in the future when I can accept the lifelong illnesses I have, and proclaim all these peculiar experiences of life are, as Romans 8:28 said, all for my own good. And God is the loving and just God I used to believe he is. Please pray for me. Sincerely, Josh19 (0936 Jan 26 2018)
I would like to end my story with a scripture that I love and wish I can have the same faith in serving God regardless of the adverse circumstances
Habakkuk 3:17-19
17 Though the fig tree may not blossom,
Nor fruit be on the vines;
Though the labor of the olive may fail,
And the fields yield no food;
Though the flock may be cut off from the fold,
And there be no herd in the stalls—
18 Yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
I will joy in the God of my salvation.
19 The Lord God is my strength;
He will make my feet like deer’s feet,
And He will make me walk on my high hills.
I have not visited nor posted for a longtime. I quitted 2 years ago when a senior member commented how annoyed he was reading my life problems and I should tough it out and get on with life. I apologized to him in shame and decided this is not a place to share. Any negative feeling is better to keep to yourself
I am grateful to run into your post that really resonates. I never thought there is another person who has the similar challenge as I do. I hope whatever I learned will help you deal with your challenge. Thank you very much to allow me to use your post as a platform to share my own spiritual journey. I want to write down, like a snap shot of where I am today (0926 Jan 26 2018), so years from now I can look back and reflect on how the journey takes me. I do not intend to write again in this forum. Being such a spiritual oddity and filled with such negative view of God, this is not the place I belong.
For those who are offended by my harsh views of God, I am sorry. I am angry with God and use so much and so often profanity against the Holy Trinity that I do not see how I can be forgiven and find a path back to him. The next time, if I ever write again, I hope to tell you I understood why I have my illness as I have and the good news how God is indeed the all loving and just God and I find my way back to him.
(Please remember me in your prayer. One specific prayer request - to pray for a few hours restful pain-free sleep each night so when I get up in the morning I can act like a normal person. This is what I pray for since 1975 that remained unanswered).
As this is a long post, I put the advices upfront followed by my own story. If anyone who is interested in my journey, please read on.
MY ADVICES:
In all. I think what helped me through this specific issue of eye contact: Fellowship - a strong network of friends that help each other, what you did in sharing such private matter is truly admirable. Through genuine sharing comes strong support among friends and that is very powerful. Word of God – that is by far my most effective tool, by committing all your favorite scriptures to memory, categorizes them and review them often, it is analogous to infantryman's rifle for day to day combat. I used to keep a stack of 3x5 card to write down any verses that I like. Get yourself a index box for easy access. When you commute to work in metro or during breaks, pull out the handy card to read and meditate. Focus in helping others - everyone has their challenge, they may be laughing outside but crying inside, I found by being total sincere to your friends or strangers and just be kind and helpful without expecting anything in return will make you forget your own problem. There are so many people globally who are so much worst than we are. I came to believe a lot of my social issues may be from pride, thinking too highly of myself, too self-centered and over sensitive. When we do not take our self too seriously, a lot of the social pressure will go away. Expand your knowledge and interests – I concluded that a cause of my fear of making eye contact is the lack of things to communicate, I am afraid to engage because I have nothing interesting to offer. I can acknowledge the other person but usually followed by awkward silence with little to share. I learned by expand my hobbies, read more, build more interests and even go to the length of collecting interesting news articles, can make me a more interesting person and have a fun chatty time with other people. I started a few years back in listening to audio books from local library. Proud to say that I just listened my 100th book. It enriches me greatly. Local community colleges are good place to take interesting classes. Volunteer for community & charity group – the saying that “happiness is to give” is so true, there are so many less fortunate people than us. As simple as volunteering as English teacher in local library or joining group like “Habitat for Humanity” or soup kitchens are great ways to share your God blessed gifts. When you take away the focus on yourself and give to others, amazing things happen. Make the “Prayer of Saint Francis” your personal prayer (link). Be physical and join sport activities – physical activities have a way to loosen your nerve and build bonds and trust with other people. A hobby that resurfaced for me recently is fishing with friends and neighbors. A typical trip leaves at 4am, stop for coffee and bait, watch the beautiful sunrise, board the boat, chat and catch. Everybody are happy and best buddy. I enjoy biking. Invite couple pals to go on a day long bike trip. When you are sweating and the fragrance of nature, you will feel fine connecting with others visually or verbally. Take a scripture 3x5 card with you (e.g Josh 1:9)
MY STORY:
People said the eye is the window into your soul. That is a remarkable communication channel. Do you remember the first time you make eye contact with your first love. It is so sweet. The opposite is true, it can terrorize you through simple eye contact as if the person can look through your mind and see ugly you. I have the same problem with making eye contact with other people, I felt afraid and unsure what to say as if as that moment I have nothing left in my brain. It is extremely unsettling and painful for people who do not have such issue. I started experiencing this issue since 1968 when I was in grade school. I think I know how this issue developed. I have a facial birth defect in my upper lip and I was always very self-conscious of my deformity. I cannot even feel comfortable seeing myself in the mirror, I saw a freak, let along carry a decent conversation with other people, I cannot look into people's eyes. School bullies can be so mean to make fun of people who look different. As I got into high school, my isolation compounded with chronic eye ailments and ulcers (I assumed the ulcer was induced by the tense and stress of fearing the crowd), just make my childhood so miserable. During lunch break and school events, I chose to find a quiet corner to eat by myself or simply hide. I am an ace student though, because I found fulfillment and self-worth by having good grades. My isolation made me study harder as if to make up for my physical abnormality. I have no dates and really craved for romantic relationship. My youth were pretty much filled with despair and bad memories. I was admitted to hospital for bleeding ulcer at Grade 7 - that was the time when a normal kid should enjoy the fullest of what happy childhood could offer. In 1972 I developed, over the next decades, an eye aliment that later evolved into an eye disease called orbital hemangioma which is a benign slowly progressive vascular tumor in the left eye lid. Looking back, I am not sure exactly how I survived the entire childhood and youth. Just feel cheated of the best part of my life.
Then in the Fall of 1975, a friend pointed out the facial defect can be malignant. I had a surgical procedure to have this defect removed. It left a tiny scar, but the defect is no longer noticeable. For the first time, I felt normal. But that social anxiety never goes away. I always felt inferior as if I am incomplete. This social paranoid mental issues are like a beast always lurking in the background. When I wake up in the morning, I do not what kind of day it is, a spirit filled day or a timid-hide-in-a-hole day. Spiritually, I was in a Christian grade school and later in a Catholic high school. So, I am familiar with the Bible stories. I enjoyed the Bible lessons when the teacher told us the Bible stories and the heroic OT characters. There were even “golden verses” that we had to memorize. But Jesus meant nothing to me then. 1975 (October) was the year I accepted Christ through an evangelical organization that originated from military fellowship. Their mantra is " born to reproduce". Their favorite saying is " hey, man, where is your Timothy? How many people you witness today?” Memorizing scriptures, “quiet time” and rigorous witnessing are this group's signature traits. I got my training and for the next few years of my college life I was quite productive in campus ministries and building up disciples. I was studying to be an engineer and my grades suffered. I was so indoctrinated by this militant campus group that mentally I feel the need to keep up with the expectation, the façade of zealous Christian, the ministry takes precedence over academics. There was a running joke the good one never date, as they are so dedicated to let real life needs get in the way of winning souls. Purity was a big thing. Nobody talked about it, but I know and learned later many of my peers (including myself) failed miserably in this virtue. Personally, I tried, even checking off on the calendar of related offenses to better monitor and hopefully manage the impure desires. But the beast is always there, same beast that devoured King David and many faithful men. One of most frustrating aspect of my faith is the inability to overcome purity sins – in contrary to the powerful verses that admonish us that we are new creation and we can overcome everything through Christ. When I resisted with all the discipline I could muster and yet failed repeatedly, it really cut into your psyche. I would include gluttony (aka binge eating), pride/vanity (show off how spiritual you are among your peers) were other cracks on my armor that left me exposed. The continual failures to overcome sins were so devastating in my spiritual life. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I have the victory with God’s word. One question that troubled me is why it is so difficult for single Christian to find the Godly women or Godly man. Maybe I am overly naïve that a mate will keep me from committing purity sins but being single (unlike Apostle Paul whom I heard had the special gift in this area) makes men very vulnerable.
For a long gap from 1981 (year I married) to 1999, my time was consumed with being a husband and father, 100% secular life. I was done with my faith. One evening in 1999 I was in the basement tired from a day of work and recalled those ministry days of the 1970s and wondering what happened to my college campus ministry team. That was the spiritual awakening as I like to call it. I started renewing old contacts and levering email and web site to organize and building the network. From 1999 on till 2012, I think I have given my best shot to walk with Christ, actively working on students, workplace Bible study group and started a local restaurant worker ministry (restaurant workers are by far one of the most neglect group of people, they work long and unusual hours). One irony is that as I walked closer to God in these years, I and my wife grew farther apart. During all these years from 1975 on, the physical ailments and the continue social awkwardness never left me. The orbital hemangioma has developed into a very annoying health issue with persistent head pain and swollen eyelid when I exerted myself on physical activities. Due to the persistent head pain, I sleep about three hours a night and wake up groggy. I think I overcome all my physical and mental illness through the word of God (Proverbs 3:5-6. Joshua 1:9, Jeremiah 29:11, I Chronicles 4:10, Isaiah 58, James 1, book of Job to name a few). There were days when I felt so tired and sick, yet I kept repeating to myself my favorite verses (I wrote these in a 3x5 cards a collection of all my favorite). I cried out to God, literally screaming for relief. I even, foolishly as I look back now, practiced what someone shared with me what Campus Crusade founder Bill Bright did to start the day by asking the Holy Spirit to bless every one of his faculty starting with the arm/legs. For a few months, I did that, after a headache filled and sleepless night, I woke up and go through the ritual of asking the Holy Spirit to bless me and use every part of me for that day. Apostle Paul’s inspirational verses about his thorn in the flesh (may be eye issue) always encourage me as well. A good soldier just marches forward.
(One oddity of my faith I noticed early on, I am not sure why I did not feel much joy in sharing the gospel. It is more like a duty a soldier needs to perform to please his commander. Friendship evangelism works for me, but I was terrified the practice of witnessing to people I do not know. I went ahead with doing that anyway with tracts always handy in my backpack, just in case the “divine appointment” arrived. That puzzled me as I saw other Christian brothers and sisters are so genuinely joyful in their evangelical experience. Maybe I was never a true believer to start with). A colleague shared with me what Mother Teresa experienced – the “long dark night” and she did not feel the presence of God yet she faithfully served. What an inspiration and that encouraged me greatly.
It is truly the grace of God, and his power only, that I was able to sustain a decent Christian life from 1999 to 2012. I also draw inspiration from other Christians who were able to overcome their adversity and become a faithful and effective servant. I first read Joni Eareckson Tada bio in 1976 (still has her original edition), I always remember the verses she used in her book prologue and by far my favorite in time of trouble. II Corinthians 4:8-10 " We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.10 We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body". When I was exhausted after a long evening of ministry to restaurant workers, Isaiah 40:31 revived me. And all those wonderful Christian hymns that still drove me into tears. I would let songs like "Be thou my vision", "Sing Hallelujah to the Lord", "Seek ye first " keep on playing and immersed in the incredible love I felt at the time how great God is. I was so moved by the songs that I started crying. The scriptures and worship songs were the drugs that maintain my spiritual life. It lost its potency as years went by with the same old illness and unfulfilled promises.
At this point, I wish I can continue to share my story in a positive light. I am struggling to understand, why I no longer walk in the faith. This is the same God I believe now as it was in 1975 when I accepted his son. But I no longer believe in him as a loving father. With 40 years of Christian life behind me, I suppose to be getting stronger, more battle hardened and more mature, not back sliding. The spiral down started in 2012, 4 years after the official divorce. (I was surprised the years in between the 2007 separation and the final divorce in 2009 were my best years in serving. Being single allowed me more time in church and ministry activities. And doors were opened for me to serve. These were arduous work meeting students in the evenings and restaurant fellowship that followed into wee hours of the morning, but these were memorable times).
I do not recall the defining moment or event, from 2012 on, when I fell off the wagon. It is a culmination of life long disappointments, intimate relationships that I craved but found none, brokenness from divorce, lack of joy and fulfillment from the spiritual realm and exacerbated by the realization that my two major health issues of sleeping disorder and eye ailment will remain with me for the rest of my life. What saddened most was the fact that the years when I felt I was most active in serving other people, I drifted apart from my wife until the day she moved out with my 2 daughters. As the despair set in, other manageable problems amplified. I started to question more and more God’s character and the Biblical events that demands good answers.
One question that stands out is how I viewed the Biblical events and its characters such as Moses whom I frequently used as my role model. Looking at the OT, he was a war criminal and the conquest of the promised land was the worst ethnic cleansings and atrocities committed and sanctioned by mankind sanctioned by God. And about Job’s suffering for the sake of God wanted to prove a point. There is just too much suffering and pain inflicted to mankind to be explained that God is loving and just and he cries for us yet sit on the sideline to let Satan ravages his children in such hideous way and for so long. And the standard response to suffering is that suffering is good for us made little sense as it destroyed me instead of strengthening me.
I researched other ex-Christians’ experience that I can find comfort in. There are not too many, but I did find a web site with a good library of testimonies. A few of them were written in such depth and width of reasoning and emotions that I found it both comforting and assuring. Assuring in that I am not alone in the struggle. What I noticed, however, are many who walked away from the faith made smooth transition into atheism and live a happy life. Dilemma I am in is that I still believe in God who is still the mighty, powerful and omnipresent God just like the Psalmists said. But I cannot reconcile him with the God I once thought us loving and just. Is it too much for God to grant me a few hours of restful sleep, a small bread crumb?
PATH FORWARD:
From1981 to 1999 I was a Seventh Day Adventist. The book of Revelation influences my thinking. With so many problems mankind is facing on different fronts - environmental, food and water shortage, international and cultural change, I have this foreboding that the world is moving toward the apocalyptic end as the book predicted. Maybe it will happen in my lifetime. Despite my negative view of God, I still believe in his sovereignty over mankind. Psalm 144:1 is the verse that continues to keep my hope alive “Blessed be the Lord my rock, who trained my finger for battles and my hand for war”. My spiritual pilot light is the expectation that the experiences, no matter how odd, is God’s way to prepare a person for dark days ahead. The Biblical character Samson will be a better metaphor for me and more parallel my journey. Samson was never a faithful servant, but more a wanton and undisciplined person that somehow God still use to do work. Ultimately his shortcoming and personal failing (like my inability to overcome impurity sin, pride and gluttony) led Samson to his demise. But in the end, God found a way to use him to serve him one more time. God has invested in me, all the training in information technology and other skills. My path forward is to enrich myself with other practical skills like urban farming, emergency medical services, radio communication, auto repair that one day when the dark day arrive, I can serve God’s community in a tangible way. It is hard not to verbally express my anger at God. But I will try to keep the peace by not offending him and keep the 2nd part of the commandment – to love your neighbors. I no longer concern myself with not going to heaven. If I am going down to hell, I will have a lot of companies. When the notion of this eternal reward is taken out from my expectation, I feel liberated.
Thanks for reading my story. As God is infallible, I have to conclude my current spiritual demise are all self-afflicted with the three transgressions (purity, gluttony, pride/vanity) being the core failures. These I confessed to God for forgiveness and renewal. I did try to be good but trying is not good enough. I hope, with his mercy and grace, I will post again in the future when I can accept the lifelong illnesses I have, and proclaim all these peculiar experiences of life are, as Romans 8:28 said, all for my own good. And God is the loving and just God I used to believe he is. Please pray for me. Sincerely, Josh19 (0936 Jan 26 2018)
I would like to end my story with a scripture that I love and wish I can have the same faith in serving God regardless of the adverse circumstances
Habakkuk 3:17-19
17 Though the fig tree may not blossom,
Nor fruit be on the vines;
Though the labor of the olive may fail,
And the fields yield no food;
Though the flock may be cut off from the fold,
And there be no herd in the stalls—
18 Yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
I will joy in the God of my salvation.
19 The Lord God is my strength;
He will make my feet like deer’s feet,
And He will make me walk on my high hills.
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Hello PureBeliever;
I read your thread and you're on the right track. Your new brothers and sisters care very much for you by their posts. Please go back and re-read what they wrote. Thats what I did, because no matter whether we're new in Christ or have been walking with Jesus for a long time, we just cannot face our personal, spiritual and emotional struggles alone. God didn't intend it that way.
I have been struggling with a "controlling" issue with people these last weeks, until I opened up to a close family member. He said a few things that nudged my heart and "opened my eyes."
God always sends His reinforcements, in this case, a family member who spoke wisdom to me.
This is a wonderful site, PureBeliever. We're blessed you joined us!
You are in my prayers and have all the faith God will carry you through this. Praise Him!
God bless you, brother, and your family.
I read your thread and you're on the right track. Your new brothers and sisters care very much for you by their posts. Please go back and re-read what they wrote. Thats what I did, because no matter whether we're new in Christ or have been walking with Jesus for a long time, we just cannot face our personal, spiritual and emotional struggles alone. God didn't intend it that way.
I have been struggling with a "controlling" issue with people these last weeks, until I opened up to a close family member. He said a few things that nudged my heart and "opened my eyes."
God always sends His reinforcements, in this case, a family member who spoke wisdom to me.
This is a wonderful site, PureBeliever. We're blessed you joined us!
You are in my prayers and have all the faith God will carry you through this. Praise Him!
God bless you, brother, and your family.
Reading the Bible is a good start. Keep reading it and hiding His words in your heart.
How do you apply it, well if you ask God to help you when you need it He will bring those scriptures to your memory.
When I was a new believer I had several things to overcome. One was I had to stop listening to the lies of the enemy and replace them with the truth.
One scripture that helped me see this is 'you have not been given a spirit of fear but one of power, love and a sound mind.' This is in letter to Timothy. Timothy was a young man Paul was encouraging in the ministry. He was like a dad to him. For those of us who dont have believing parents, we need Gods words spoken in our lives. God is our Father. We, when we are adopted, are his sons and daughters. We belong to Him. Our church family become our brothers and sisters in Christ.
We cant all have the bible read to us in bed before we go to sleep, (my parents never read to me, they just sat me in front of the tv) but I have made it my nightime reading and morning reading. This is where i get my daily bread from for the day. This is your one on one time with God.
How do you apply it, well if you ask God to help you when you need it He will bring those scriptures to your memory.
When I was a new believer I had several things to overcome. One was I had to stop listening to the lies of the enemy and replace them with the truth.
One scripture that helped me see this is 'you have not been given a spirit of fear but one of power, love and a sound mind.' This is in letter to Timothy. Timothy was a young man Paul was encouraging in the ministry. He was like a dad to him. For those of us who dont have believing parents, we need Gods words spoken in our lives. God is our Father. We, when we are adopted, are his sons and daughters. We belong to Him. Our church family become our brothers and sisters in Christ.
We cant all have the bible read to us in bed before we go to sleep, (my parents never read to me, they just sat me in front of the tv) but I have made it my nightime reading and morning reading. This is where i get my daily bread from for the day. This is your one on one time with God.
Josh
Sometimes our anger at God is misdirected at Him when its satan who has done a number on us. The Good news is Jesus has defeated the enemy. The beast is going to be thrown in the lake of fire with the false prophet. Dont fall for satans lies and let him steal kill and destroy the word out of your life. Close the doors on satan and come back to the fold where you will be safe and protected with the shield of faith. Sometimes we have to actively kick satan and his demons out. Have you done this? If you need help God has reinforcements greater is He that is livng in you than the enemy living in the world.
Sometimes our anger at God is misdirected at Him when its satan who has done a number on us. The Good news is Jesus has defeated the enemy. The beast is going to be thrown in the lake of fire with the false prophet. Dont fall for satans lies and let him steal kill and destroy the word out of your life. Close the doors on satan and come back to the fold where you will be safe and protected with the shield of faith. Sometimes we have to actively kick satan and his demons out. Have you done this? If you need help God has reinforcements greater is He that is livng in you than the enemy living in the world.
You ask about how God wants you to pray to Him?
Blessing Him, Thanking Him for all He provides to you.
1) One of the things He provides to you, "is" testing.
Maybe not our favorite blessing, but necessary.
Testing, is always for the benefit of the student. He is the Master and we are all His students.
The Testing, like all tests, is to see where we weak, and where we are strong.
He notifies us He is our strength in our own weakness.
Thus, yes, absolutely, recognize your weakness, and do so ask Him to comfort you through the times, and give you strength to overcome.
Trust, Be patient, He shall bring you through your trials, hardships, testing.
2) Secondly what to pray for without ceasing;
His Knowledge, His Wisdom, His Understanding of Scriptures. It is endless, and can fill your present life, with abundant joy.
Read, read, read.....Trust the Scriptures are True...
Then ask, ask, ask, for God to teach you His Wisdom, His Understanding of what you read.
That is comparable to the verse of king David being a man after Gods own heart. Constantly asking God, for Gods Wisdom and Gods Understaning of His own Word.
God is faithful. Ask and ye shall receive.
God Bless,
IJN