My struggle is I feel I don't suffer enough. I feel I am not narrow enough. I am afraid I will not make it through. I know it's by the blood of Jesus, but I feel I don't know/love him enough. I don't want to bring Jesus down to my understanding, I need to bring my understanding up to him, but the gap is too far. I'm too sinful.
Cosmic, the problem is that you are trying to change and perfect your sin nature. Your sin nature has been nailed to the cross and buried. It is not about fixing your sin nature. It is about learning to walk more and more by the Spirit of God that is already in you. It is about surrendering your thoughts, actions, will to God's will and power and that power is already within you through the Holy Spirit. It is not about building your own power.
"for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control" (2nd Timothy 1:7)
You already have enough power and self control. However, it is not in your own self but in the Spirit within you which when you submit to God's Spirit you have the power and self control to walk according to God's will.
When you are submitted to God's Spirit then you don't try to produce your own fruit, but God's fruit works through you spiritually by faith. Faith is what submits you to God's will, not works.
"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control" (Galatians 5:22-23).
Life in God is submission by faith. All works done by the believer are by faith, not by self control unto action. Faith causes God's Spirit to give you the love, and joy, and peace, and kindness, and gentleness, and self control, and endurance to do all that God would have you to do, but this is not burdensome but rather resting in God's will letting God's righteousness (not your own) work through you.