Y'all might be in the wrong church if:
- You have to pass through a metal detector to get inside.
- The choir performs "A Mighty Fortress is Our God" - as a polka!
- They believe that an elected official attending religious services is a violation of the separation of Church and state.
- A week before Christmas the minister announces the church will be "closed for the holidays."
- The missions budget just got cut in half, but the church treasurer just bought a new Harley.
- New "Purpose-Driven" mission statement includes vague reference to Jell-O-wrestling.
- On your second Sunday as a visitor they ask you to be their minister.
- On the offering envelopes is printed "Please make checks payable directly to the minister."
- The organist is Boris Karloff or appears to be his stunt double.
- The floral arrangement on the altar is in the shape of a big horseshoe... that reads "Hollywood Park."
- Everyone is handcuffed together at the ankles before preaching starts.
- You are the only person in the sanctuary and it's 15 minutes after church is scheduled to start.
- The confessional has a coin slot and a hand lever.
- The baptismal fountain has bubbling water, is large enough to hold two or three seated adults, and looks suspiciously like a Jacuzzi.
- Bill Clinton is the speaker of the day and his topic is "Morality In America - How To Be A Shining Example".
- The minister falls asleep while delivering his own sermon.
- The ushers passing around the offering basket are wearing ski masks.
- The Bible they use is the Dr. Seuss version.
- The Choir wears black leather robes.
- The offering plate has been passed three times and the sermon hasn't even begun yet.
- When the choir sings, the dogs outside begin to howl, and are closer to being in tune.
- New member candidates are required to submit W-2's for the last 5 years and the media refers to the church facilities as a "compound"