by saying:
"Read all about it. First person who got fooled today!"
Good one Amandaz ...
You are such a smart cookie 
Dusty's Jokes
- Thread starter Dusty
- Start date
Good one Amandaz ...
You are such a smart cookie I am definately going to get in hot water for this one . Sorry all you ladies ... 
"Big tip"
A man takes his seat in the theater, but he is too far from the screen.
He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a big tip."
The usher moves him into the front row, and the man rewards him with a measly quarter.
The usher looks at his tip for a second and then leans over to whisper to the man, "the wife did it."
I am definately going to get in hot water for this one . Sorry all you ladies ...
"Big tip"
A man takes his seat in the theater, but he is too far from the screen.
He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a big tip."
The usher moves him into the front row, and the man rewards him with a measly quarter.
The usher looks at his tip for a second and then leans over to whisper to the man, "the wife did it."
Hey, Dusty, usually that line would be: "The butler did it!" LOL"The book"
Lunching with a friend in a fast food restaurant, I was telling her about a teenager who had rear-ended my car. The teen blamed me for the accident.
"She called me every name in the book!" I said.
Just then I looked over to the next table where two nine-year-old boys had apparently been paying close attention to my story.
One said to the other, "There's a book?"
Dirty boy"
A little boy fellow came in from playing in the yard, covered from head to toe in dirt, and asked his mother, "Who am I?"
Thinking this was a new game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?"
"WOW!" cried the boy. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"
"Noah's Ark"
Ending his sermon, a preacher announced that he would preach on Noah and the Ark on the following Sunday, and gave the scriptural reference for the congregation to read ahead of time.
A couple of boys noticed something interesting about the placement of the story in the Bible. They slipped into the church and glued two pages of the pulpit Bible together.
The next Sunday, the preacher got up to read his text. “Noah took unto himself a wife,” he began, “and she was” - he turned the page to continue - “three hundred cubits long, fifty wide and thirty high.”
Ending his sermon, a preacher announced that he would preach on Noah and the Ark on the following Sunday, and gave the scriptural reference for the congregation to read ahead of time.
A couple of boys noticed something interesting about the placement of the story in the Bible. They slipped into the church and glued two pages of the pulpit Bible together.
The next Sunday, the preacher got up to read his text. “Noah took unto himself a wife,” he began, “and she was” - he turned the page to continue - “three hundred cubits long, fifty wide and thirty high.”
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.
“Momma, look what I found,” the boy called out.
“What have you got there, dear?” His mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered: “I think it’s Adam’s suit!”
_____
“What have you got there, dear?” His mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered: “I think it’s Adam’s suit!”
_____
Some men were discussing the Bible. They were wondering how many apples Adam and Eve ate in the Garden of Eden.
First man: I think there was only one apple in the Garden.
Second man: I think there were ten apples. Adam 8 and Eve ate 2.
Third man: I think there were sixteen apples. Eve 8 and Adam 8 also.
Fourth man: I think all three of you are wrong. If Eve 8 and Adam 82, that would be a total of 90 apples.
Fifth man: You guys don’t know how to add at all. According to history, Eve 81 and Adam 82. That would be a total of 163 apples.
Sixth man: Wait a minute! If Eve 81 and Adam 812, that would make a total of 893 apples.
Seventh man: None of you guys understand the problem in the slightest. According to my figuring, if Eve 814 Adam and Adam 8124 Eve, that would be a total of 8,938 apples in the garden.
At that point all of the men gave up.
Second man: I think there were ten apples. Adam 8 and Eve ate 2.
Third man: I think there were sixteen apples. Eve 8 and Adam 8 also.
Fourth man: I think all three of you are wrong. If Eve 8 and Adam 82, that would be a total of 90 apples.
Fifth man: You guys don’t know how to add at all. According to history, Eve 81 and Adam 82. That would be a total of 163 apples.
Sixth man: Wait a minute! If Eve 81 and Adam 812, that would make a total of 893 apples.
Seventh man: None of you guys understand the problem in the slightest. According to my figuring, if Eve 814 Adam and Adam 8124 Eve, that would be a total of 8,938 apples in the garden.
At that point all of the men gave up.
At Sunday School they were learning how God created everything, including human beings. Johnny was especially intent when the teacher told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, “Johnny, what is the matter?”
Johnny responded, “I have pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.”
Johnny responded, “I have pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.”
Good Morning, this one brought a smile to my face today. I appreciate your signature too.
God bless you today,
Deb..
M
Mark_18
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Because we are Christians, this virus works on the honor system.
Please delete all the files on your hard drive, then manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list.
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The voice on the other line said "Would you hold the line please, that's a very unusual request." Then a very authoritative voice came on and said, "Are you the lady who is calling about one of the patients?"
She said: "Yes, darling! I'd like to know the information about Sarah Finkel in Room 302."
He said "Finkel. Finkel. Let me see. Farber, Feinberg -- Finkel. Oh yes, Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her doctor says if she continues improving as she is, he is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o'clock."
The woman said "Thank God! That's wonderful! She's going home at twelve o'clock! I'm so happy to hear that. That's wonderful news."
The guy on the other end says: "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be one of the close family."
She said "What close family? I'm Sarah Finkel!! My doctor don't tell me nothing
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[FONT=arial,helvetica] Losing His Memory [/FONT]
"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient.
"You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. No, it's actually worse than that. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"
The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tones, "Pay me in advance."
"Alley oop"
A champion rider is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, “All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, ‘ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine.”
The rider thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The rider ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The rider, somewhat embarrassed, whispers ‘Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens–the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the rider thinks, “It's no good, I'll have to do it,” and yells, “ALLLEEE OOOP!” really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the rider what went wrong. The rider replies, “Nothing is wrong with me–it's this horse. What is he–deaf or something?”
The trainer replies, “Deaf?? Well, he's a little hard of hearing–but mainly he's BLIND!”
A champion rider is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, “All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, ‘ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine.”
The rider thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The rider ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The rider, somewhat embarrassed, whispers ‘Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens–the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the rider thinks, “It's no good, I'll have to do it,” and yells, “ALLLEEE OOOP!” really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the rider what went wrong. The rider replies, “Nothing is wrong with me–it's this horse. What is he–deaf or something?”
The trainer replies, “Deaf?? Well, he's a little hard of hearing–but mainly he's BLIND!”
[FONT=arial,helvetica] The Farmer and the Pig [/FONT]
farmer and his pig were driving down the road when a cop pulled him over. The cop asked the farmer, "Didn't you know it is against the law to ride with a pig in the front of you truck?"
The farmer replied, "No, I didn't know that." The cop asked the farmer where he was going and he said, "To Memphis".
The cop said, "I will let you off the hook this time if you promise to take the pig to the zoo when you get to Memphis." So the farmer promised he would.
Several days later the cop spotted the farmer with the pig driving down the road and he pulled him over again. The cop said "I thought I told you to take this pig to the zoo when you got to Memphis."
The farmer replied, "I did and we had so much fun, I taking him to Kings Island now".
The farmer replied, "No, I didn't know that." The cop asked the farmer where he was going and he said, "To Memphis".
The cop said, "I will let you off the hook this time if you promise to take the pig to the zoo when you get to Memphis." So the farmer promised he would.
Several days later the cop spotted the farmer with the pig driving down the road and he pulled him over again. The cop said "I thought I told you to take this pig to the zoo when you got to Memphis."
The farmer replied, "I did and we had so much fun, I taking him to Kings Island now".
This announcement usually meant he had been pondering some fact for a while and was now ready to expound all that his seven-year-old mind had discovered. I was eager to hear.
"What are you thinking?" I asked.
"The rain," he began, "is like sin. And the windshield wipers are like God, wiping our sins away."
After the chill bumps raced up my arms, I was able to respond, "That's really good, Matthew." Then my curiosity broke in. How far would this little boy take this revelation?
So I asked, "Do you notice how the rain keeps on coming? What does that tell you?"
Matthew didn't hesitate one moment with his answer. "We keep on sinning and God just keeps on forgiving us."
[FONT=arial,helvetica] No Excuse Sunday [/FONT]
o make it possible for everyone to attend church this Sunday, we are going to have a special "No Excuse Sunday":
Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, "Sunday is my only day to sleep in."
There will be a special section with lounge chairs for those who feel that our pews are too hard.
Eye drops will be available for those with tired eyes from watching TV late Saturday night.
We will have steel helmets for those who say, "The roof would cave in if I ever came to church."
Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church is too cold, and fans for those who say it is too hot.
Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present.
Relatives and friends will be in attendance for those who can't go to church and cook dinner, too.
We will distribute "Stamp Out Stewardship" buttons for those that feel the church is always asking for money.
One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to seek God in nature.
Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who plan to be sick on Sunday.
The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who never have seen the church without them.
We will provide hearing aids for those who can't hear the preacher and cotton wool for those who think he's too loud!
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Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, "Sunday is my only day to sleep in."
There will be a special section with lounge chairs for those who feel that our pews are too hard.
Eye drops will be available for those with tired eyes from watching TV late Saturday night.
We will have steel helmets for those who say, "The roof would cave in if I ever came to church."
Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church is too cold, and fans for those who say it is too hot.
Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present.
Relatives and friends will be in attendance for those who can't go to church and cook dinner, too.
We will distribute "Stamp Out Stewardship" buttons for those that feel the church is always asking for money.
One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to seek God in nature.
Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who plan to be sick on Sunday.
The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who never have seen the church without them.
We will provide hearing aids for those who can't hear the preacher and cotton wool for those who think he's too loud!
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The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do
You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the director,
"A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
Mr Smith was a traveling salesman and frequent flyer, so he was always very, VERY careful to mark his luggage so that no one would mistakenly take his bags. He always did this with bright ribbons and tape, so he was quite surprised to see his bags grabbed by a well dressed man when he got to the luggage carousel.
Mr. Smith walked over to the fellow and pointed out the colored ribbons tied to the handle, and the fluorescent tape on the sides.
"I believe that luggage is mine. Were your bags marked like this?" he asked.
"Actually," the man replied, "I was wondering who did this to my luggage."