Dusty's Jokes
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Drummond vs. the Baptists
In a small Texas town, the owner of Drummond's Bar began
construction on a new building to increase his business. The
local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar
from opening with petitions and prayers. Work progressed
right up till the week before opening when lightning struck
the bar and it burned to the ground.
The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after
that, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds
that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of
his building, either through direct or indirect actions or
means. The church vehemently denied all responsibility or
any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the
court.
As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over
the paperwork. At the hearing he commented, "I don't know
how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the
paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of
prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not."
In a small Texas town, the owner of Drummond's Bar began
construction on a new building to increase his business. The
local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar
from opening with petitions and prayers. Work progressed
right up till the week before opening when lightning struck
the bar and it burned to the ground.
The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after
that, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds
that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of
his building, either through direct or indirect actions or
means. The church vehemently denied all responsibility or
any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the
court.
As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over
the paperwork. At the hearing he commented, "I don't know
how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the
paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of
prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not."
FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY
In Florida , an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and
Passover holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case
against Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days.
The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized
days. The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the
passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel
declaring,"Case dismissed!"
The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your
honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have
Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and
Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays."
The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client,
counsel, is woefully ignorant."
The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance
or holiday for atheists."
The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day.
Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.'
Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is
no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is
adjourned.
You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!
In Florida , an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and
Passover holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case
against Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days.
The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized
days. The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the
passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel
declaring,"Case dismissed!"
The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your
honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have
Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and
Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays."
The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client,
counsel, is woefully ignorant."
The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance
or holiday for atheists."
The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day.
Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.'
Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is
no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is
adjourned.
You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!
"Suspicious delivery"
There was an unexpected knock on my door, and like I always do I first opened the peephole and asked, "Who's there?"
"Parcel post, ma'am. I have a package that needs a signature."
"Where's the package?" I asked suspiciously. The deliveryman held it up.
"Could I see some ID?" I said, still not convinced.
"Lady," he replied wearily, "if I wanted to break into your house, I'd probably just use these." And he pulled out the keys I had left in the door.
You’re lucky it’s in the joke section, or I’d have to give you a snopes ticket Dusty.
It would be a hoot if it ever does happen though.
Check for clunking"
An auto mechanic received a repair order that read: "Check for clunking sound when going around corners."
Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later he heard a "clunk."
He then made a left turn and again heard a "clunk."
Back at the shop he opened the car's trunk, and soon discovered the problem.
Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with the notation, "Removed bowling ball from trunk".
An auto mechanic received a repair order that read: "Check for clunking sound when going around corners."
Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later he heard a "clunk."
He then made a left turn and again heard a "clunk."
Back at the shop he opened the car's trunk, and soon discovered the problem.
Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with the notation, "Removed bowling ball from trunk".
You’re lucky it’s in the joke section, or I’d have to give you a snopes ticket Dusty.
It would be a hoot if it ever does happen though.
Nope .... Only Mark is authorized to give me a ticket in here ... Nah nah nah !!!!!
A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.
Through the eyes of a child:
The Children's Bible in a Nutshell
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there wasnothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says,'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked,but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't beeninvented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one badapple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.
Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as longas he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people diedoff, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy,but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built alarge boat and put his family and some animals on it. He askedsome other people to join him, but they said they wouldhave to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was morefamous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob hisbirthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a sonnamed Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name wasCharlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egyptand away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues onPharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice,bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every daywith manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.
These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet yourneighbor's stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more:Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the firstBible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol andthe fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing agiant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who hadabout 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise,but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.
One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and thenbarfed up on the shore. There were also some minor leagueprophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is thestar of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It wouldbe nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners likethe Pharisees and the Democrats.
Jesus also had twelve opossums.The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that theynamed a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and evenpreached to some Germans on the Mount.
But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of theAluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
__________________
Through the eyes of a child:
The Children's Bible in a Nutshell
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there wasnothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says,'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked,but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't beeninvented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one badapple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.
Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as longas he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people diedoff, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy,but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built alarge boat and put his family and some animals on it. He askedsome other people to join him, but they said they wouldhave to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was morefamous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob hisbirthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a sonnamed Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name wasCharlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egyptand away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues onPharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice,bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every daywith manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.
These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet yourneighbor's stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more:Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the firstBible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol andthe fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing agiant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who hadabout 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise,but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.
One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and thenbarfed up on the shore. There were also some minor leagueprophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is thestar of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It wouldbe nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners likethe Pharisees and the Democrats.
Jesus also had twelve opossums.The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that theynamed a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and evenpreached to some Germans on the Mount.
But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of theAluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
__________________
Need to get out more"
When my wife quit work to take care of our new baby daughter, countless hours of peekaboo and other games slowly took their toll. One evening she smacked her bare toes on the corner of a dresser and, grabbing her foot, sank to the floor. I rushed to her side and asked where it hurt.
She looked at me through tear-filled eyes and managed to moan, "It’s the piggy that ate roast beef."
He called his wife into the closet to ask her about the box and its contents. Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for their entire 30 years of marriage. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, "WHY?"
The wife replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings. He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings. She said that every time during their marriage that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box.
The pastor felt that 3 poor sermons in 30 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for.
She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbours for $1."
"Cursed jewel"
A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.
"This is the Klotschtein diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."
"What's the curse?" the man asked.
"Mr. Klotschtein."
B
Boanerges(Inactive)
Guest
Popping the question"
My friend Tim took Mary out for a romantic dinner where conversation turned toward marriage.
You see, Tim had been saving for an engagement ring - but he was in graduate school and in dire need of a computer. Mary was understanding, telling Tim they had the rest of their lives to get engaged, so he should use his savings to buy a computer instead.
During dessert, Tim suddenly reached into his pocket and pulled out an engagement ring. Mary was stunned. But after she collected herself, she looked up and prompted, "Well, don't you have something to ask me?"
Tim then got down on bended knee. "Honey," he said, "will you buy me a computer?"
Hypochondria explained"
Our neighbour used the word "hypochondriac" to describe the phase her teen-age daughter was going though.
One day the girl was convinced that the pain on her left side was appendicitis.
Her mother explained that the appendix is on the right.
"So that's why it hurts to much," her daughter said. "My appendix is on the wrong side."
Our neighbour used the word "hypochondriac" to describe the phase her teen-age daughter was going though.
One day the girl was convinced that the pain on her left side was appendicitis.
Her mother explained that the appendix is on the right.
"So that's why it hurts to much," her daughter said. "My appendix is on the wrong side."
LOLOL!
HEHE, I hope my mom never reads this en' I am such a hypo, she would love this one!!
Non-aerobic exercise"
Physical exercise is good for you. I know that I should do it daily, but my body doesn't want me to do too much, so I have worked out this program of strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise. You are invited to use my program without charge. Here are the things I have become good at:
- Beating around the bush
- Jumping to conclusions
- Climbing the walls
- Swallowing my pride
- Passing the buck
- Throwing my weight around
- Dragging my heels
- Pushing my luck
- Making Mountains out of molehills
- Hitting the nail on the head
- Wading through paperwork
- Bending over backwards
- Jumping on the bandwagon
- Balancing the books
- Running around in circles
- Eating crow
- Tooting my own horn
- Climbing the ladder of success
- Pulling out the stops
- Adding fuel to the fire
- Opening a can of worms
- Putting my foot in my mouth
- Starting the ball rolling
- Going over the edge
"Guaranteed delivery"
An older woman took a package to the post office to mail and was told it would cost $3.95 for fast delivery or $2.30 for slower service.
"There is no hurry," she told the clerk, "just so the package is delivered in my lifetime."
He glanced at her and said, "That will be $3.95, please."
