Dusty's Jokes

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a Christmas bell![/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Just take these pills - and, if they don't work, give me a ring![/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Nurse! I want to operate. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Take this patient to the theatre.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Ooh! good! I love a nice pantomime at Christmas![/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Doctor, Doctor, Father Christmas gives us oranges every Christmas. Now I think I'm turning into an orange![/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Have you tried playing squash?[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Father Christmas: Doctor, Doctor I feel so unfit[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Doctor: You need to go to an elf farm[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Doctor, Doctor, with all the excitement of Christmas I can't sleep.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Try lying on the edge of your bed...you'll soon drop off![/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Doctor, Doctor I'm scared of Father Christmas[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Doctor: You're suffering from Claus-trophobia.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]My problem is that I keep stealing things when I go Christmas shopping. Can you give me something for it![/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Doctor: Try this medicine...and if it doesn't work come back and bring me a new video camera.[/FONT]
 
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
> > > Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and
> > > preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like
> > > most women - - she loved to browse.
> > > Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local
> > > Wal-Mart.
> > > Dear Mrs. Samsel,
> > > Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
> >commotion
> > > in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to
> >ban
> >
> > > both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed
> > > below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
> > > 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
> > > carts when they weren't looking.
> > > 2 . July 2 : Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
> >5-minute
> >
> > > intervals.
> > > 3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
> > > women's restroom.
> > > 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
> > > "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away."
> > > 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on
> > > layaway.
> > > 6. August 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
> > > 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other
> > > shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets
> >from
> >
> > > the bedding department.
> > > 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying
> > > and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
> > > 9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
> > > mirror while he picked his nose.
> > > 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he
> >asked
> > > t he clerk where the antidepressants were.
> > > 11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming
> > > the "Mission Impossible" theme.
> > > 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look"
> >by
> >
> > > using different sizes of funnels.
> > > 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
> > > yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
> > >
> > > 14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
> > > assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
> > >
> > > And last, but not least.
> > >
> > > 15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
> > > then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"
> >Regards,
> > > Tom Richards
> > > Wal-Mart Manager
> > >
>
Click to expand...

:D:D:pTHESE WERE GREAT!!!
I laughed so much at these, thanks Dusty.
 
"Funny headlines"

​
​


These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.

Man shoots neighbor with machete: The Miami Herald, July 3

Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes: The Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia, March 30

Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows: The New York Times, March 10

Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies: The Los Angeles Times, March 2

Scientists see quakes in L.A. future: The Oregonian, January 28

Wachtler tells graduates that life in jail is demeaning: The Buffalo News, February 26

Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold: Lexington Herald-Leader, January 26

Prosecution paints O.J. as a wife-killer: Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel, January 25

Economist uses theory to explain economy: Collinsville Herald-Journal, February 8


 
Helping out" ​

One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his own sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife,"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your sweatshirt?"

He yelled back, "Nike."
 
"Organic vegetables" ​

My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any.
So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"
"The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself."
 
Dusty said:
"Organic vegetables" ​

My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any.
So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"
"The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself."
Click to expand...
:eek::eek::eek::eek::p:p:D:D:D
 
"Double positives" ​


A distinguished linguistics professor was lecturing on the phenomenon of double negatives.
As he neared the end of his talk, he drew himself up and declared solemnly: "In conclusion, let me observe that while there are numerous cases where a double negative conveys a positve, there is no case where a double positive conveys a negative."
Whereupon, from the back of the room, arose a small voice dripping with disdainful condescension:
"Yeah, yeah... "
 
"Zoo"

The Crist family worked at a zoo. Each year they predicted the general luck and overall mood of the year by watching the the gnu.
If the gnu's ears were forward, that meant a successful, joyous year was almost certain to happen.
But if his ears were laid back flat against his head, it meant that an unlucky or very unhappy year was sure to come.
One year it was young Mary's turn to "survey" the animal and come up with the prediction. It was her first time solo, and in her excitement, she forgot to take the key to the cage. She was late in coming to check on the gnu. Well, she saw the wrong ear position and predicted a bad year, when in fact it was quite good.
To explain the error, the local newspaper ran the following headline a year later: MARY CRIST MISSES AN HAPPY GNU'S EAR!
​
 
Dusty said:
"Zoo"

The Crist family worked at a zoo. Each year they predicted the general luck and overall mood of the year by watching the the gnu.
If the gnu's ears were forward, that meant a successful, joyous year was almost certain to happen.
But if his ears were laid back flat against his head, it meant that an unlucky or very unhappy year was sure to come.
One year it was young Mary's turn to "survey" the animal and come up with the prediction. It was her first time solo, and in her excitement, she forgot to take the key to the cage. She was late in coming to check on the gnu. Well, she saw the wrong ear position and predicted a bad year, when in fact it was quite good.
To explain the error, the local newspaper ran the following headline a year later: MARY CRIST MISSES AN HAPPY GNU'S EAR!
​
Click to expand...
:eek::eek::eek::D:D
 
"5 steps to a healthy diet"


The Federal Drudge Administration is planning to issue a Guideline for Gourmets that advises you to:

A. List your ten favorite foods.

B. List your five favorite beverages.

C. List all green vegetables that look like marsh grass, fur balls, or little trees.

D. List water.

E. Avoid A & B; eat only C; drink only D.
 
"Doggy promises"

I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
I will not burn rubber through the open car window and into the fast food restaurant, no matter how good it smells.
The computer's mouse is, unlike a real mouse, inedible.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will scootch my bottom along the grass to rid myself of hangers-on.

I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
I will not eat other animals' poop.
I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
I will not roll my head around in other animals' poop.
"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
I will not eat any more socks and then re-deposit them in the backyard after processing.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not eat the disposable diapers, especially the dirty ones.

I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons or pens, 'specially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.
I will not play tug-o'-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
 
"2 Goats"

Two goats are out behind a movie studio eating old movie film.
One goat says to the other, "Pretty good, huh?"
The second goat says, "Yeah, but it's not as good as the book."
 
Dusty said:
"Doggy promises"

I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
I will not burn rubber through the open car window and into the fast food restaurant, no matter how good it smells.
The computer's mouse is, unlike a real mouse, inedible.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will scootch my bottom along the grass to rid myself of hangers-on.

I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
I will not eat other animals' poop.
I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
I will not roll my head around in other animals' poop.
"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
I will not eat any more socks and then re-deposit them in the backyard after processing.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not eat the disposable diapers, especially the dirty ones.

I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons or pens, 'specially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.
I will not play tug-o'-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
Click to expand...

:D:D:D

I love this! It's adorable, but so true!!
 



A preacher said to a farmer, "Do you belong to the Christian family?"

"No," he said, "they live two farms down."

"No, I mean are you lost?"

"No, I've been here thirty years."

"I mean, are you ready for Judgment Day?"

"When is it?"

"Could be today or tomorrow."

"Keep your voice down, Sonny. If my wife hears you, she'll want to go both days!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Call to Another Church
A pastor places his order at the pet store. "I need at least 50 mice,

2,000 ants and as many of those little silverfish you can get."



The clerk replies, "We can probably do that, but it might take some time.
Mind if I ask why you are placing such an unusual order?"

The pastor replies, "I've accepted a call to another church and the pastor's council told me to leave the parsonage the way I found it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Farewell Offering
During the last Sunday service that the visiting pastor was to spend at the church he served for some months, his hat was passed around for a goodwill offering.

When it returned to the pastor, it was empty. The pastor didn't flinch.
He raised the hat to Heaven and said,"I thank You, Lord, that I got my hat back from this congregation."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Holy Communion
Being a new pastor to an aging congregation, I told them I would be serving them prune juice in Holy Communion. When asked why I would dare entertain such a thought, I said,
"If the Holy Spirit won't move you...the prune juice will!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hot Air Hand Dryers
My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church and after two weeks, took them out.
I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine, but when he went in there he saw a sign that read, "For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




​
 
"New driver" ​


Junior had just received his brand new driver's license. The family troops out the driveway where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time.
Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beamish boy to the 'ole man..
"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of yer seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."
 
Three monkeys" ​

Three monkeys sat in a coconut tree
Discussing things as they are said to be
Said one to the others, "Now listen, you two
There's a rumor around that can't be true!
That man descended from our noble race
The very idea is a great disgrace."
No monkey has ever deserted his wife,
Starved her babies and ruined her life.
And you've never known a mother monk
To leave her babies with others to bunk.
Or pass from one on to another,
Till they scarcely know who is their mother.
Here's another thing a monkey won't do
Go out at night and get on a stew.
Or use a gun or club or knife,
To take some other monkey's life!
Yes, man descended, the ornery cuss,
But, brother, he didn't descend from us!
 
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[FONT=arial,helvetica] Three Hymns [/FONT]
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ne Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

And there sat our Rosie all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him!"
 
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