Dusty's Jokes

Hmmm ..... Not so cute .... could be a problem later on

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.
'That's a serious step,' he said. 'Have you though t it out completely?'
'Yes,' his young son answered. 'We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark.'

'How about transportation?' the father asked.
'I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles,' the little boy answered.
The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, his d ad asked, 'What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know.'

'We've thought about! that, too,' the little boy replied.
'We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!'
​





 
Mark ....

I debated whether to put that here but maybe it is a lesson to correct little children so they don't carry stuff like that through life cause that could be dangerous.:(:(
 
[SIZE=+1]Take every 4 hours" [/SIZE]​

A pharmacist is going over the directions on a prescription bottle with an elderly patient. "
Be sure not to take this more often than every 4 hours," the pharmacist says.
"Don't worry," replies the patient. "It takes me 4 hours to get the lid off".
 
[SIZE=+1]"The remote" [/SIZE]​

​
Jennifer watched as the cashier rang up her purchases.
“Cash, check or charge?” She asked after folding the items Jennifer had bought. As she fumbled for her wallet The cashier noticed a television remote control in her purse.
“Do you always carry your TV remote?” The cashier asked.
“No,” she replied, “but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the best retaliation.”.


​
 
Dusty said:
[SIZE=+1]Take every 4 hours" [/SIZE]​

A pharmacist is going over the directions on a prescription bottle with an elderly patient. "
Be sure not to take this more often than every 4 hours," the pharmacist says.
"Don't worry," replies the patient. "It takes me 4 hours to get the lid off".
Click to expand...
That is one I can really appreciate. Some of my meds cannot be opened without a chainsaw.
 
"Shrinking clothes"

Max went into the doctor's office for his annual checkup, and the Doc asked if there was anything unusual he should know about.
So Max told the Doc that his suit must have shrunk over the last year, because it didn't fit when he went to get ready for a wedding recently.
The Doc said, “Suits don't shrink just sitting in a closet. You probably put on a few pounds.”
“That's just it, Doc, I know I haven't gained a single pound since the last time I wore it.”
“Well, then,” said Doc, “You must have a case of Furniture Disease.”
“What in the world is Furniture Disease?” asked Max.
“That's when your chest starts sliding down into your drawers.”.​
 
Happily Married
​
On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage.

The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no 'I' in the word 'marriage.'"

The wife said, "For my part, I have never corrected my husband's spelling."
 
And that's when the fight started








When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive. So, I took her to a gas station.


And that's when the fight started....






My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
Oh My goodness !!!! says my wife. 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And that's when the fight started.....


**************************************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it. He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And that's when the fight started.....


************************************************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started.....
 
IF MY BODY WERE A CAR ...
>
>If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about
>trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches
>in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull .... But that's
>not the worst of it.
>
>
>My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up
>close.
>
>My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid
>and bump into things even in the best of weather.
>
>My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
>
>
>It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns
>inefficiently.
>
>But here's the worst of it --
>
>
>
>Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter. .....either my radiator
>leaks or my exhaust backfires!
>
 
The Cost of Living
God said to Adam, "I am going to make you a helper, a companion. What would you like your companion to be like?" Adam replied, "Well I want someone that is humorous, witty, intelligent, compassionate, caring, loving, trusting, polite, generous and beautiful."
God paused a moment after Adam's wish list and told Adam that a companion like that 'would cost him an arm and a leg.' Adam seemed a little dejected and then brightly replied: "What can I get for a Rib?"



Flattered Minister
A pastor was leaving his area and was saying farewell to his congregation at the Church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out. She said "Your successor won't be as good as you." "Nonsense", said the pastor, in a flattered tone. "No, really", said the old lady, "I've been here under five different ministers, and each new one has been worse than the last."
 
[SIZE=+1]"Attractive wives" [/SIZE]

Marvin was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common sense.
He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. “I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives.”
His wife replies, “Why thank you, dear!”.
 
Dusty said:
[SIZE=+1]"Attractive wives" [/SIZE]

Marvin was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common sense.
He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. “I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives.”
His wife replies, “Why thank you, dear!”.
Click to expand...
:eek::eek::eek::):D
 
[SIZE=+1]"Three envelopes" [/SIZE]

Morris had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation.
The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three envelopes number 1, 2 and 3. “Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve,” the departing CEO said.
Things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and Morris was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, “Blame your predecessor.”
Morris called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press — and Wall Street — responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, “Reorganize.” This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. Morris went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.
The message said, “Prepare three envelopes.”
 
[SIZE=+1]"Senior Moments" [/SIZE]​


I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN & proud of it - I'm the life of the party… even when it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, beano, and antacid.
I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories…over and over and over and over.
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
I'm so cared for - long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians.
I'm positive I did housework correctly before my mate retired.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
I'm having trouble remembering simple words like…uh???…uh.
I'm now spending more time with my pillows than with my mate.
I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.
I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.
I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.
I'm going to reveal what goes on behind closed doors……absolutely nothing!
If you are what you eat, I'm Shredded Wheat and All Bran.
I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.
I'm in the initial stage of my golden years…SS, CD's, IRA'S, AARP.
I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
I'm supporting all movements now…by eating! bran, prunes, and raisins.
I'm a walking storeroom of facts…I've just lost the storeroom.
I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN…and I am having the time of my life!




 
[SIZE=+1]"Tooth fairy" [/SIZE]

​
After losing another tooth, eight-year-old Timmy became more curious about the elusive tooth fairy.
Finally putting two and two together, he came right out and asked his mother, “Mom, are you the tooth fairy?”
Assuming he was old enough to hear the truth, she replied, “Yes, I am.”
Timmy seemed to take this news quite well. But as he headed for the door, he slowly turned back toward his mother with a curious look on his face and said, “Wait a minute. How do you get into the other kids' houses?”.
 
"I'm having trouble remembering simple words like…uh???…uh"

Wait a minute - that one is to familiar!:p:eek::D
 
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