Dusty's Jokes

[SIZE=+1]"Hand dryers" [/SIZE]

My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the restrooms at his church and after two weeks took them out.
I asked him why, and he confessed that they worked fine, but when he went into the men's restroom, he saw a sign that read:
"For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."
​
 
[SIZE=+1]"Bathroom scale" [/SIZE]

Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store.
"Have you ever seen one of these before?" one asked.
"Yeah, my mom and dad have one," the other replied.
"What's it for?" asked the first boy.
"I don't know," the second boy answered. "I think you stand on it and it makes you mad."
​

 
[SIZE=+1]"The copy factor" [/SIZE]​

A new monk arrived at the monastery. He was assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He noticed, however, that they were copying copies, not the original books. The new monk went to the head monk to ask him about this. He pointed out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk said, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." The head monk went down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.
Hours later, nobody had seen him, so one of the monks went downstairs to look for him. He heard a sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and found the old monk leaning over one of the original books, crying. He asked what was wrong.
"The word is 'celebrate,' not 'celibate'!" sobed the head monk.
 
KIDS IN CHURCH
3-year-old Reese :
'Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A little boy was overheard praying:
'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
and I wanted to stay with you guys.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


One particular four-year-old prayed,
'And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service,
'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'
One bright little girl replied,
'Because people are sleeping.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
' Ryan , you be Jesus !'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A father was at the beach with his children
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.
'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
'Did God throw him back down?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 
ONE: Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. 'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter. 'You don't?' I replied. 'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply. 'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?' 'That's right.' So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

TWO: I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all ov er for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is ?' I said to her 'I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today.' She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE: A lady at work was seen putting a credi t card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'

FOUR: I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience sto re) would have a battery to fit this?' 'Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked. 'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk.'

FIVE :Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use copier machine paper,' the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.

SIX :A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the k id some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency!

Life is tough...
it's tougher if you're stupid.
 
[SIZE=+1]"Amateur photographer" [/SIZE]​

An amateur photographer was invited to dinner with friends, and he took along a few pictures to show to them. The hostess looked at the photos and commented, "These are very good! You must have a good camera." The photographer didn't make any comment, but as he was leaving to go home, he said, "That was a really delicious meal! You must have some very good pots."
 
[SIZE=+1]"New airline rules" [/SIZE]

Attendant: "Welcome aboard, sir. May I see your ticket?"
Passenger: "Sure."
Attendant: "You're in seat 12B. That will be $5, please!"
Passenger: "What for?"
Attendant: "For telling you where to sit."
Passenger: "But I already knew where to sit."
Attendant: "Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locator fee of $5. It's the airline's new policy."
Passenger: "That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it."
Attendant: "Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?"
Passenger: "Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this."
Attendant: "Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?"
Passenger: "That would be swell, thanks."
Attendant: "No problem. Up we go, and done! That will be $10, please."
Passenger: "What?"
Attendant: "The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee."
Passenger: "This is extortion. I won't stand for it."
Attendant: "Actually, you're right, you can't stand. You need to sit, and fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate. But, first I need that $10."
Passenger: "No way!"
Attendant: "Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the air marshal. And you really don't want me to do that."
Passenger: "Why not? Is he going to shoot me?"
Attendant: "No, but there's a $50 air-marshal hailing fee."
Passenger: "Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I can't believe this."
Attendant: "Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?"
Passenger: "Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem to work. Can you fix it?"
Attendant: "Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert two quarters into the overhead coin slot for the first five minutes."
Passenger: "The airline is charging me for cabin air?"
Attendant: "Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It's the circulating air that costs 50 cents."
Passenger: "I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?"
Attendant: "Certainly, sir! Here you go!"
Passenger: "But you've given me only three quarters for my dollar."
Attendant: "Yes, there's a change making fee of 25 cents."
Passenger: "For cryin' out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter? What the heck can I do with this?"
Attendant: "Hang onto it. You'll need it later for the lavatory."
 
autumn_angel65 said:
hmmm...I wonder if they will actually do that one day...
Click to expand...

One never knows , the way things are going . You have to pay for a pillow and a blanket on some airlines. and there is no free food any more and just juice and coffee and tea. So I guess it is not as outragious as we think.:(:(
 
This one will have you rolling on the floor.:D

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the ex-husband and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.. .... ....

And to spite his ex-wife, they took the curtain rods...







​
 
[SIZE=+1]"A better choice" [/SIZE]

Mr. John was not happy with his daughter's choice for groom. His wife asks "Why do you keep on rejecting your daughter's choice?" The father says "There is always a better choice."
At this, his wife says "My father said the same thing when I agreed to marry you
 
[SIZE=+1]"Generation gap" [/SIZE]

A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our space ships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing and...," pausing to take another drink of his pop.
The older man took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young... so we invented them. Now, what are YOU and your bunch doing for the next generation?"
The applause was resounding.

​
 
[SIZE=+1]"The coroner" [/SIZE]​

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:
Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?
Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.
 
[SIZE=+1]"The painting" [/SIZE]​



Mrs. Johnson decided to have her portrait painted by a famous artist. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant." "But you are not wearing any of those things."
"I know," said Mrs. Johnson. "My health is not good and my husband is having an affair with his secretary. When I die I'm sure he will marry her, and I want her to go nuts looking for the jewelry."
 
transparent.gif
[FONT=arial,helvetica] Where Are You Going [/FONT]


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randma and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days". Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"

Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his. With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?"

Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek. Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?" Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"

Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"
 
Just Pull The Plug
===========

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to
her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative
state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull
the plug."

His wife gets up and unplugs the TV.
 
[SIZE=+1]"Out of shape" [/SIZE]

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

​
 
[SIZE=+1]"Vacuum salesman" [/SIZE]


A salesman knocked on the door of a house in a new housing development and a lady answered the door. He began, "Ma'am, I'm selling the newest innovation in vacuums, this is the greatest little machine I have seen in a long time," and with that, he proceeded to dump on her new carpet a mixture of ketchup, salsa, mud, grape juice, etc. as she watched, horrified. He said, "If this vacuum doesn't clean up that mess, I will eat it!" She said, "Would you like a fork?! We haven't got the power on yet!"
 
"Grandkids"


Grandma was walking her grandchildren down the street, when a lady said to her,"My, what charming children. How old are they?"
"The doctor is six," the proud grandmother said, "and the lawyer is four."
 
Dusty said:
[SIZE=+1]"Generation gap" [/SIZE]​


A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our space ships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing and...," pausing to take another drink of his pop.
The older man took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young... so we invented them. Now, what are YOU and your bunch doing for the next generation?"


​
Click to expand...



I love this one,mommy!:D Its a reminder,aye? sneaky sneaky!
:mad::p:D
The applause was resounding. ​
 
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