Dusty's Jokes

Painting the Porch

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How much will you charge me?'

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'

He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'

The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. 'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.


'Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.'


Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.

'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'




​
 
[SIZE=+1]"The wild kid" [/SIZE]

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."
 
I think there is truth in this message

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year old
next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.
Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied,
'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error?
What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Richard grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'
'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T ... I used to like that little guy.
 
whaha very funny ones.

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Dusty said:
I think there is truth in this message

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year old
next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.
Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied,
'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error?
What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Richard grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'
'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T ... I used to like that little guy.
Click to expand...
That sounds like a PEBKAC error- problem exists between keyboard and chair.:p
 
Kind of sick but the best I could do today..... He he :D:D:D

[SIZE=+1]"Endangered species" [/SIZE]

One beautiful autumn day, a Park Ranger discovered a man sitting in the woods chewing away on a dead Bald Eagle. "Hey mister, the Bald Eagle is a protected species, and killing one is punishable offence", said the Park Ranger.

The man was swiftly arrested, and ushered before the judge.

In court, he pleaded innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation.

"I was so hungry" complained the defensive camper, "the Bald Eagle was the only food I could find!"

To everyone's amazement, the judge ruled in his favor.

In the judge's closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it. But I'd like to know: What did it taste like?"

The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a Whooping Crane and a Spotted Owl."

​
 
Mark_18 said:
lol!

Boan I think she was saying the joke is sick, not herself. I think.
Click to expand...

Thanks Mark..... for the clarification. I guess us Canadians have a different way of communicating. He he :D:D:D.

No offense , Larry. I still loves ya. !!!!:D:p:p
 
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has
been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:
'They've stolen the stereo, t he steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the
accelerator!' she cried.
The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.'
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. 'Disregard.' He says. 'She got in the
back-seat by mistake.'
____________________________________________________________________
FAMILY
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the
96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the
other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'
The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up
the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down?'
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her
sisters. She shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that
forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you
as soon as I see who's at the door.'
________________________________________________________________________
'I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!'
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?'
'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'
And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'
_______________________________________________________________________
.'
_______________________________________________________________________
OLD FRIENDS:
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had
shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to
meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cardswhen
one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been
friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought,
but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.'
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at
her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
_______________________________________________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he
heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news that
there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!'
OH,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'
_____________________________________________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the
dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight
was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to
herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.' After
a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that
the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting
nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on
through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we
just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'
Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving ?'







 
KIDS IN CHURCH
3-year-old Reese :
'Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A little boy was overheard praying:
'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
and I wanted to stay with you guys.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


One particular four-year-old prayed,
'And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service,
'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'
One bright little girl replied,
'Because people are sleeping.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
' Ryan , you be Jesus !'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A father was at the beach with his children
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.
'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
'Did God throw him back down?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
[SIZE=+1]"Kiss the mirror" [/SIZE]​

A Christian middle school for girls was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called several of the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day.

To demonstrate how much work they were making for the custodian, she asked him to clean one of the mirrors while the girls watched.

The custodian took a long-handled brush, dipped it into the nearest toilet, and proceeded to scrub the mirror.

From that day on, the problem of lip prints on the mirrors was completely eliminated.
 
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[FONT=arial,helvetica] Internet Proverbs[/FONT]
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1. Home is where you hang your @.
2. The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C: is the root of all directories.
8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. Virtual reality is its own reward.
19. Modulation in all things.
20. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
21. There's no place like home.com.
22. Know what to expect before you connect.
23. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
24. Speed thrills.
25. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
 
CHILDREN AND THE CHURCH
>
>A little boy was attending his first wedding
>After the service, his cousin asked him, 'How many women can a man
>marry?'
>'Sixteen,' the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an
>answer
>so quickly.
>'How do you know that?'
>'Easy,' the little boy said.
>'All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said,
>4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.'
>
>
>
>After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced
>to his mother, 'Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up.'
>
>'That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?'
>'Well,' said the li ttle boy, 'I have to go to church on Sunday anyway,
>and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and
>listen.'
>
>
>
>
>
>
> A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a
>church service, 'And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those
>who passed trash against us.'
>
>
>
>
> A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
> 'How do you know what to say?' he asked.
> 'Why, God tells me.'
> 'Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?'
>
> A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged
>on and on.
> Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
> 'Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?'
>
>
>
> Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their
>favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed
>four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to
>represent.
> 'The Flight to Egypt,' was his reply.
> Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, 'That must be Mary,
>Joseph, and Baby Jesus. But who's the fourth person?'
> 'Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot!'
>
>
> The Sunday School Teacher asks, 'Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do
>you say prayers before eating?'
> 'N o sir,' little Johnny replies, I don't have to. My mom is a
>good cook.'
>
>
> >
>
>
> This is the best one.A little girl was sitting on her
>grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.
> >From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and
>reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was a lternately stroking her
>own cheek, then his again.
> Finally she spoke up, 'Grandpa, did God make you?
> 'Yes, sweetheart,' he answered, 'God made me a long time ago.'
> 'Oh,' she paused, 'grandpa, did God make me too?'
> 'Yes, indeed, honey,' he said, 'God made you just a little while
>ago.'
> Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, 'God's
>getting better at it, isn't he ?'
>
>
>
>
>
>
 
A college drama group presented a play in which one character
>would stand on a trap door and announce, 'I descend into hell!'
> A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would
>spring, and the actor would drop from view.
> The play was well received. When the actor playing the part
>became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When
>the new actor announced, 'I descend into hell!' the stagehand pulled the
>rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No
>amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend.
> One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled:
> 'Hallelujah! Hell is full!'
>
 
[SIZE=+1]"Name those twins" [/SIZE]​

A pregnant woman gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!" She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise."

"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew. "
 
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