Dusty's Jokes

[SIZE=+1]"The system" [/SIZE]





Each Friday night Bill drove his wife to the train station so she could go visit her sister who was ill.
Ten minutes later, Bill's sister arrived by train so that she could look after the kids while Bill worked over the weekend. On Sundays this procedure worked in reverse with Bill's sister departing by train 10 minutes before Bill's wife arrived.
One evening after Bill's sister left and while he awaited his wife's arrival, a porter sauntered over.
"Mister," he said, "you sure have some system going! But one of these days you're goin' to get caught!"
 
Mark_18 said:
:eek::D:D

Thanks and good morning Dusty. :)
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Well it is good afternoon now but thanks for the greeting . Glad to see that the joke police are still on the job...... ha ha
GOODAFTERNOON.jpg
 
BEST EVER BLONDE JOKE?

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.

Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'

The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'

He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then...' he said with a deep sigh.. . . . . .

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you are gonna love this!!!


























'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'



​
 
[SIZE=+1]"The best years" [/SIZE]




Recently a large seminar was held for ministers in training. Among the guests were many well-known motivational speakers.
One trainee boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which went over well.
About a week later one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It seemed a bit foggy to him this morning.
Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" His congregation sat shocked. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"
 
[SIZE=+1]"The trainee" [/SIZE]





A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.
On his very first day of work, he dials an extension and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded, "You fool! You've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"
"No," replied the trainee.
"I'm the CEO of the company!"
The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to?!"
"No." replied the CEO indignantly.
"Good!" replied the trainee, who put down the phone.
​
 
Dusty said:
BEST EVER BLONDE JOKE?

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.

Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'

The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'

He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then...' he said with a deep sigh.. . . . . .

(scroll down)
you are gonna love this!!!

























'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'

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So that is what I have been doing wrong!:p
 
[SIZE=+1]"Puppy training" [/SIZE]




Puppy owners should get a newspaper and roll it up very tight. Secure it with a rubber band and leave it on the coffee table.
Then, when the puppy piddles in the house, chews up a slipper or does anything he's not supposed to do, simply take the newspaper and bang it on the top of YOUR head very hard while repeating...
"I should have been watching the puppy!"
"I should have been watching the puppy!"
 
Buying a puppy can be considered self inflicted injury to some extent.:p
 
Dusty said:
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
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I like that 1 alot. It's cute commin from a little kid! LOL!
 
Dusty said:
Say a little prayer"



Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.

"I don't have to," the little boy replied.

"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."
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OMG Dusty what a crack up!!!!:D:D
 
Dusty said:
Original" Signs...quite creative!!



Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

**************************



In a Podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."

**************************



On a Septic Tank Truck :

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

**************************



At a Proctologist's door:

"To expedite your visit please back in."

**************************



On a Plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed."

**************************



On another Plumber's truck:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber..!!"

**************************



On a Church's Billboard:

"7 days without God makes one weak."

**************************



At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :

"Invite us to your next blowout."



**************************



At a Towing company:

"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

**************************



On an Electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts!!"

**************************



In a Nonsmoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

**************************



On a Maternity Room door:

"Push. Push. Push."

**************************



At an Optometrist's Office:

"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

**************************



On a Taxidermist's window:

"We really know our stuff."

**************************



On a Fence:

"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

**************************



At a Car Dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

**************************



Outside a Muffler Shop:

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

**************************



In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

**************************



At the Electric Company:

"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.

However, if you don't, you will be."

**************************



In a Restaurant window:

"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."

**************************



In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

**************************



At a Propane Filling Station ,

"Thank heaven for little grills."

**************************



And don't forget the sign at a

Chicago Radiator Shop:

"Best place in town to take a leak."

..................................

See, what did I tell you....creative..huh?...

==============================










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Your killin me Dusty my friend :D:p:):D Good stuff!
 
I became confused when I heard these terms which reference the word 'service'.

Income Tax 'Service'
Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
T.V. 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
and 'Service' Stations

This is not what I thought 'service' meant.



Today, I overheard two farmers talking. One of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.



BAM! It all came into perspective. I now understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us.

I take great joy in once again broadening your horizons,
I just hope you are now as enlightened as I am.
​
 
[SIZE=+1]"The 'mom' dictionary" [/SIZE]



BATHROOM - A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self cleaning.

BECAUSE - Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically. (See: "I said so.")

COOK - 1) Act of preparing food for consumption. 2) Mom's other name.

DRINKING GLASS - Any carton or bottle left open in the refrigerator.

EAR - A place where kids store dirt.

EAT - What kids do between meals but not *at* them
.
EMPTY NEST - (See: "wishful thinking")

ENERGY - Element of vitality kids always have in excess until asked to do something.

EXCUSE ME - One of Mom's favorite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children.

EYE - The highly susceptible visual organ which, according to Mom, can be "put out" by anything from a suction-cup arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife or by running with sharp objects.

FABLE - Story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.

FOOD - The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question "what's for dinner tonight?"

HAMPER - A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty laundry.

HANDY WIPES = Pants, shirt sleeves, drapes, etc.

HANDS - Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water
immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal.

ICE - Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic trays if kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.

I SAID SO - Reason enough, according to Mom. (See: "Because")

JOY RIDE - Going somewhere without the kids.

KISS - Mom medicine. Cures all.

LAKE - 1) Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do so. 2) Not to be entered within a half hour of ingesting anything.

MOMMMMMM! - The cry of a child on another floor who wants something, but nothing in particular.

MY LAST NERVE - Ultra-sensitive neurological feature which all moms have. Often used as trampoline by children.

SOCCER - Mythical sport invented by moms so they could sit on the sidelines while children burn up lots of energy.
 
[SIZE=+1]Office buzzwords" [/SIZE]


BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, messes on everything, and then leaves.

CHAINSAW CONSULTANT: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

IDEA HAMSTERS: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on

SITCOMs: (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

SQUIRT THE BIRD: To transmit a signal to a satellite.

STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney.

SWIPED OUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

TOURISTS: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists.

TREEWARE: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

GOING POSTAL: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.

ALPHA GEEK: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

CHIPS & SALSA: Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa.

FLIGHT RISK: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

GOOD JOB: A Get-Out-Of-Debt Job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example. Bill Clinton's video Grand Jury testimony is another.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

UNINSTALLED: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice-mail of vice president at a downsizing computer firm: You have reached the number of an Uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance.* (Synonym: decruitment.)

VULCAN NERVE PINCH: The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command Key, the Return Key, and the Power On key.

YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal, We each owe $8, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps.


CLM: Career Limiting Move - Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

DILBERTED: To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 File Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him . . . he's 404, man."

GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Used as in "We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in."

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
 
"Flowers"



A forgetful husband thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wife's birthday and their wedding anniversary. He opened an account with a florist, and provided that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to his wife on these dates, along with an appropriate note signed, "Your loving husband."
His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until one day when he came home he saw a bouquet, kissed his wife and said offhandedly, "Nice flowers, honey. Where'd you get them?"


​
 
:eek::eek: He told on himself:p- I made the mistake of letting my daughter pick out my wife's Christmas present once. She found out and was upset. I still am not quite sure why though as I was working 75 hours a week and had little time for anything- I guess it's true sometimes us guys just do not get it.
 
[SIZE=+1]"Planned defence"[/SIZE]



Two cab drivers met. "Hey," asked one, "what's the idea of painting one side of your cab red and the other side blue?"
"Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you should see all the witnesses contradict each other!"
 
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