Dusty's Jokes

Good morning Dusty
Thanks so much for the laughs and the need for a hankie and laugh some more again, great start to the day.
Your sister in Christ Jesus
Autumn
 
autumn_angel65 said:
Good morning Dusty
Thanks so much for the laughs and the need for a hankie and laugh some more again, great start to the day.
Your sister in Christ Jesus
Autumn
Click to expand...

Hi Autumn .... You are most welcome. And I must say welcome to the forum. God Bless you sister.

It's good to laugh as the Bible says a merry heart is good medicine.


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For all the golfers

[SIZE=+1]"Play it where it lies" [/SIZE]




One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 7-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine -- in search of his lost ball.
The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is, in fact, a 7-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
Jim excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here."
Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: "What's the matter?"
Jim shouts back, "Throw me my 8 iron! You can't get out of here with a 7!"

​
 
[SIZE=+1]"Preacher's sermon" [/SIZE]



A preacher was completing a temperance sermon with great expression he said,
"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
He sat down.
The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."


​
 
[SIZE=+1]"The catch" [/SIZE]




A man was returning home from a fishing trip. He was flying down the highway, going way too fast. He felt secure amongst a pack of cars, all traveling at the same speed. However, it wasn't long before he saw flashing lights in his review mirror and pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature, and was about to walk away when the man stopped him. "Officer, I know I was speeding," he started, "but I don't think it's fair. There were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
The officer tilted his head and gestured at the fishing gear stowed on the passenger seat. "I see you like fishing," he said.
"Ummm, yes I do... so?" the confused driver replied.
The officer grinned as he turned to leave. "Ever catch ALL the fish?"
​
 
[SIZE=+1]"The Meaning Of Silence" [/SIZE]





After a wife and husband had a huge argument, they ended up not talking to each other for days. Finally, on the third day, the husband asked where one of his shirts was.
"Oh," his wife said, "So now you're speaking to me."
He looked confused. "What are you talking about?"
"Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?" she challenged.
"No," he said, "I just thought we were getting along."
 
[SIZE=+1]"The Meaning Of Silence"

Womansbodypiercing.jpg



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Ladies please don't kill me!:D
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[SIZE=+1]"Feline Physics" [/SIZE]




Law of Cat Inertia: A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the sound of a can-opener, or a scurrying mouse. Law of Cat Motion: A cat can go from zero to nap in 3 seconds.
Law of Cat Stretching: A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
Law of Cat Sleeping: Cats must sleep on owner's face, neck, or mid-section whenever possible.
Law of Cat Elongation: A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything interesting on it.
Law of Refrigerator Observation: If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
Law of Bag/Box Occupancy: All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat. If only one cat is available, it must occupy each container at least once.
Goldfish Axiom: IF the house contains a fishtank, THEN the cat has a wet paw.
Law of Cat Composition: A cat is composed of 1 part Matter + 1 part Anti-Matter + 98 parts It Doesn't Matter.
 
[SIZE=+1]"Unusual dog" [/SIZE]




A man follows a woman as she carries her poodle out of a movie theatre.
He stops her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice that your dog was really into the movie. He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don't you find that unusual?"
"Yes," she replied, "I found it very unusual. He hated the book!"
 
:jesus-sign:Oh .... Thanks my friend .... so it will pass . Good you are on the ball. :) What would I do without you ? :p I'll try to do better next time ..... He he .:D:D God Bless you Mark ....:israel: You are such an inspiration . Keep , keeping on with Jesus. He's going to take you places that you never dreamed.:bible::jesus-cross: I love you ... :heart::heart: Momma ,Dusty.
 
[SIZE=+1]"Bird chat" [/SIZE]

Each evening bird lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl called back to him. For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbour. "My husband spends his nights... calling out to owls," she said.
"That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband."
Then it dawned on them.
 
:d:d:d

dusty said:
[size=+1]"bird chat" [/size]

each evening bird lover tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl called back to him. For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbour. "my husband spends his nights... Calling out to owls," she said.
"that's odd," the neighbor replied. "so does my husband."
then it dawned on them.
Click to expand...
 
[SIZE=+1]"Checking meters"[/SIZE]




Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
 
[SIZE=+1]"New Work Rules" [/SIZE]



1. SICKNESS: No excuses will be acceptable. We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof of illness, as we believe that if you are well enough to go to the doctor, you are well enough to come to work.


2. LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR AN OPERATION: We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed certainly makes you less than we bargained for.


3. DEATH, OTHER THAN YOUR OWN: This is no excuse. If you can arrange for funeral services to be held late in the afternoon, however, we can let you off a half-hour early, provided it is for an immediate family member and all your work is up to date.


4. DEATH, YOUR OWN: This will be accepted as an excuse, but we expect at least two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to train some0one else to do your job. By the way, if you die on the job, please fall over so we can tell the live workers from the dead ones.


5. PERSONAL HYGIENE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the washrooms. In the future, you will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order, for instance, those with surnames beginning with "A" will be allowed to go from 9:00-9:05, and so on. If you are unable to go at your appointed time, it will be necessary to wait until the
next day when your time comes around again.


6. QUANTITY OF WORK: No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough.


7. QUALITY OF WORK: The minimum acceptable level is perfection.


8. RAISES: We understand the rising cost of living, but we expect you to work with us. No one will be considered for a raise until everyone over the age of twelve in his or her family is working two jobs and you have sold all your luxury items such as cars, refrigerators and school books.


9. THE BOSS IS ALWAYS RIGHT.


10. WHEN THE BOSS IS WRONG, REFER TO RULE 9.
 
[SIZE=+1]"Window seats" [/SIZE]



At the airport check-in counter, I overheard a woman ask for window seats for both herself and her husband.
The clerk pointed out that this would prevent them from sitting together.
"Sweetie," the woman replied, "I've just spent 10 days of quality time in a compact rental car with this man. I *know* what I'm requesting!"


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