Dusty's Jokes

Dusty said:
[SIZE=+1]Office buzzwords" [/SIZE]


BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, messes on everything, and then leaves.

CHAINSAW CONSULTANT: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

IDEA HAMSTERS: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on

SITCOMs: (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

SQUIRT THE BIRD: To transmit a signal to a satellite.

STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney.

SWIPED OUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

TOURISTS: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists.

TREEWARE: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

GOING POSTAL: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.

ALPHA GEEK: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

CHIPS & SALSA: Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa.

FLIGHT RISK: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

GOOD JOB: A Get-Out-Of-Debt Job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example. Bill Clinton's video Grand Jury testimony is another.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

UNINSTALLED: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice-mail of vice president at a downsizing computer firm: You have reached the number of an Uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance.* (Synonym: decruitment.)

VULCAN NERVE PINCH: The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command Key, the Return Key, and the Power On key.

YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal, We each owe $8, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps.

CLM: Career Limiting Move - Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

DILBERTED: To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 File Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him . . . he's 404, man."

GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Used as in "We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in."

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
Click to expand...


Those must have been written by a mad scientist or evil genius.
 
:D:D:D:D:D



[SIZE=+1]"Contented cows" [/SIZE]






Farmer Jones had heard that the best milk comes from contented cows. Therefore, he'd visit them every morning and tell them jokes. .
The cows laughed and laughed and gave excellent milk. But the news got around about the cows. .
They became known as the laughing stock of the community.
 
[SIZE=+1]"Which club?" [/SIZE]



The golfer hit his tee shot into the woods, then hit into a few trees, then proceeded to hit across the fairway into another woods.
Finally, after banging away several more times, he hit into a sand trap.
All the while, he'd noticed that the golf club intsructor had been watching.
"What should I do now?" he asked the instructor.
"I don't know," the instructor replied. "What game are you playing?"
 
[SIZE=+1]"Good dates" [/SIZE]




A good friend warned the father of three daughters that, as his daughters became old enough to date, he'd disapprove of every young man who took them out. But when the time came, he was pleased that his friend's prediction was wrong. Each boy was pleasant and well mannered.
Talking to his daughter Joanna one day, the man said that he liked all the young men she and her sisters brought home.
"You know, Dad," she replied, "we don't show you everybody."
 
[SIZE=+1]"Pizza coupon" [/SIZE]​




Dispatching her ten-year-old son to pick up a pizza, the mother handed him the money and a two-dollar coupon. Later he came home with the pizza AND the coupon.
When asked to explain, he replied, "Mom, I had enough money. I didn't need the coupon."


​
 
Do I need to call the paramedics? All that laughing can take your breath away!:eek::p:):D:cool:
 
[SIZE=+1]"Get what you pay for" [/SIZE]



A feisty 70-year-old woman had to call a furnace repairman. After a quick inspection the man put some oil into the motor and handed her a $70 bill for labor.
"Labor charges!" she exclaimed. "It only took you five minutes."
The repairman explained that his company had a minimum one-hour charge on every house call.
"Well, I want my remaining paid labor," the lady responded, and she handed him a rake. The repairman spent the next 55 minutes in her yard bagging leaves.
 
In Honour of Stupid People . . .
>> In case you needed further proof that the
>>human race is doomed
>> through stupidity, here are some actual label
>>instructions on
>> consumer goods.
>>
>>
>> On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on
>>bottom) --
>> 'Do not turn upside down.'
>> (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
>>
>>
>> ==========================
>>
>>
>> On Sainsbury's peanuts --
>> 'Warning: contains nuts.'
>> (talk about a news flash)
>>
>> ===========================
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> On Boot's Children Cough Medicine --
>> 'Do not drive a car or operate machinery
>> after
>>taking
>> this medication.'
>> (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of
>>construction accidents if we
>> could just get those 5 year-olds with
>>head-colds off those bulldozers.)
>>
>>
>> ==========================
>>
>>
>>
>> On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding --
>> 'Product will be hot after heating.'
>> (...and you thought????...)
>>
>>
>> =======================
>>
>>
>>
>> On a Sears hairdryer --
>> Do not use while sleeping.
>> (That's the only time I have to work on my
>>hair.)
>>
>> ====================================
>>
>>
>>
>> On a bag of Fritos --
>> You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
>> Details inside.
>> (the shoplifter special?)
>>
>>
>>
>>===========================
>>
>>
>> On a bar of Dial soap --
>> 'Directions: Use like regular soap.'
>> (and that would be???....)
>>
>>
>> ============================
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> On some Swanson frozen dinners --
>> 'Serving suggestion: Defrost.'
>> (but, it's just a suggestion.)
>>
>>
>>
>> ========================
>>
>>
>>
>> On packaging for a Rowenta iron --
>> 'Do not iron clothes on body.'
>> (but wouldn't this save me time?)
>>
>>
>>
>> ==============================
>>
>>
>>
>> On Nytol Sleep Aid --
>> 'Warning: May cause drowsiness.'
>> (..I'm taking this because???....)
>>
>>
>> ==============================
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> On most brands of Christmas lights --
>> 'For indoor or outdoor use only.'
>> (as opposed to what?)
>>
>>
>> ==========================
>>
>>
>>
>> On a Japanese food processor --
>> 'Not to be used for the other use.'
>> (now, somebody out there, help me on this.
>> I'm
>>a bit curious.)
>>
>>
>> ==============================
>>
>>
>>
>> On an American Airlines packet of nuts --
>> 'Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.'
>> (Step 3: say what?)
>>
>>
>> ===========================
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> On a child's Superman costume --
>> 'Wearing of this garment does not enable you
>>to fly.'
>> (I don't blame the company. I blame the
>>parents for this one.)
>>
>>
>> ========================
>>
>>>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> ****Blessed are the cracked: for it is
>>they who let in the light*****
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
 
the warning on the nuts is highly disturbing (i think so any way) another one is "THis product may contain traces of nuts or other nut meats" well if i am buying a tin of nuts i sure hope it has alot more than just traces or ill be somthin mad.
 
Boanerges said:
It is about time we had some new jokes!
Click to expand...


He he :D:D:D


This one will make you say eek.....:eek::eek:

[SIZE=+1]"Cemetary visitor" [/SIZE]

A visitor to the graveyard couldn't help noticing a man kneeling in front of a gravestone, clasping his hands and sobbing. The visitor went a bit closer and could hear what the man was saying.
'Why did you have to die?' he was repeating, 'Why did you have to die?'
Feeling he ought to do something, the visitor laid his hand on the man's shoulder.
'Was it someone you loved very much?' he asked gently.
The man looked up at him and said, 'no, I never met him, he was my wife's first husband.'

​
 
[SIZE=+1]"Missing cow" [/SIZE]

A big city lawyer was called in on a case between a farmer and the railroad company. A farmer noticed that his prize cow was missing from the field which the railroad passed through. He filed suit against the railroad company for the value of the cow. The case was to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney immediately cornered the farmer and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and the farmer finally agreed to take half of what he was claiming to settle the case.
After the farmer signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't help but gloat a little over his success. He said to the farmer, "You know, I hate to tell you this but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your farm that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand."
The old farmer replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself because that durned cow came home this morning!"
 
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