Dusty's Jokes


support a family :
the prospective father-in-law asked, "young man, can you support a family?"
the surprised groom-to-be replied, "well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."

first time ushers ! :
a little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed around the offering plates.
when they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, "don't pay for me daddy. I'm under five."
 
prayers :
the sunday school teacher asked, "now, johnny, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?" "no sir," he replied, "we don't have to, my mom is a good cook!"

climb the walls :
"oh, i sure am happy to see you," the little boy said to his grandmother on his mother's side. "now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."
the grandmother was curious. "what trick is that?" she asked.
"i heard him tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit," the little boy answered.

 
THE WATER PISTOL:
WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL.. HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK.
I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, "I'M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?"
MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED..... "I REMEMBER!!"


A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Davie?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"


 
Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Davie "Giving up?"


GRANDMA'S AGE :

LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA HOW OLD SHE WAS.
GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING."
JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, "AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?"
 
Dusty said:
THE WATER PISTOL: WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL.. HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK. I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, "I'M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?"
MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED..... "I REMEMBER!!"
Click to expand...

Now that is a Bill Cosby type moment!:)
 
"The Dog Psychiatrist"



Two poodles were chatting.
"I can't figure it out," said the first dog. "I'm in perfect physical shape, but I'm constantly anxious."
The second dog says, "Why don't you go to a psychiatrist?"
To this the first dog remarks, "How can I? I'm not allowed on the couch!"
 
Baptizing the Bear

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the
students of the University of Alabama in Tuscaloosa .

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all
that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all
go up to the Smokies, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various
bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I
went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to
him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began
to slap me around. So, I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy
Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next
week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both
legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he
claimed, 'WELL brothers, you KNOW that WE don't sprinkle! I went out
and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY
WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we
began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until
we came to a creek. So right quick-like, I DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy
soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest
of the day praising Jesus .'

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in
a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him.
He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, 'Looking back on it,
circumcision may not have been the best way to start.'
 
[SIZE=+1]"Preparing for school" [/SIZE]




One mother arrived at school each morning with her seven children in tow, all a bit rumpled but never the less on time.
Scarcely able to get her one child ready for school on time, another mother asked her how she managed her brood so efficiently.
"Easy," she replied with a smile. "I dress them the night before!"
 
Son's Dog ...... Bat Dog !!!!!

BatDawg.jpg
 
[SIZE=+1]Fair price" [/SIZE]



A professor handed out the test to his students and returned to his desk to wait. When the test was over, the students filed over and handed in their papers.
As the professor was going through the submissions, he noticed one student had taped a hundred dollar bill to his test. On the bill the student had written 'A buck a point'.
The next day the professor handed back the tests.
The student who had attached the hundred also received an envelope containing 64 dollars. On it was written 'Here's your change'.
 
[SIZE=+1]"Tonsillectomy" [/SIZE]




A family was on the way to the hospital where their teenager was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride they discussed how the procedure would be performed.
"Dad," the teenager asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open during the surgery?"
Without missing a beat his father replied, "They're going to give you a phone."
 


ONE: Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. 'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter. 'You don't?' I replied. 'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply. 'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?' 'That's right.' So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

TWO: I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all ov er for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is ?' I said to her 'I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today.' She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE: A lady at work was seen putting a credi t card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'

FOUR: I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience sto re) would have a battery to fit this?' 'Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked. 'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk.'

FIVE :Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use copier machine paper,' the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.

SIX :A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the k id some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency!

Life is tough...
it's tougher if you're stupid.
 
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