Dusty's Jokes

[SIZE=+1]"Need money" [/SIZE]

A young man was having some money problems, and needed $200 to get his car fixed and road-worthy again. But had run out of people to borrow from. So, he calls his parents via the operator, and reverses the charge and says to his dad, "I need to borrow two hundred dollars."
At the other end, his father says, "Sorry, I can't hear you, son, I think there may be a bad line."
The boy shouts, "Two hundred. I need two hundred dollars!"
"Sorry, I still can't hear you clearly," says his father.
The operator cuts in, "Sorry to butt in, but I can hear him perfectly."
The father says, "Oh, good. YOU send him the money!"​
 
:eek::eek::eek::eek::eek: One of those moments when you say ..... Oh no .

[SIZE=+1]"On his deathbed" [/SIZE]​

A man was on his deathbed and the most wonderful smell of his favorite kind of cookie came wafting up the stairs. Ever so weakly, he crawled off the bed and somehow made it downstairs to the kitchen. He slowly reached a hand up to the counter to take a cookie and his wife whacked it with a spatula and said, "Out of those! They're for the funeral!"
 
[SIZE=+1]"You can't take it with you" [/SIZE]
:eek::eek::eek::eek:​
Trying to disprove the saying "You can't take it with you," a stingy old lawyer, diagnosed with a terminal illness, finally figured out how to take at least some of his fortune with him when he died.
He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then told her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. When he passed away, he planned to reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, his wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.
"Oh, that old fool!" she exclaimed. "I knew I should have put the money in the basement."
 
[SIZE=+1]"Dentist bill" [/SIZE]

A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill. "I'm shocked!" she complained. "This is three times what you normally charge."
"Yes, I know," said the dentist. "But you yelled so loud, you scared away two other patients."​
 
[SIZE=+1]"Make this work" [/SIZE]
​
A secretary was leaving the office one Friday evening when she encountered Mr. Jones, the Human Resources manager, standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said Mr. Jones, "this is important, and my secretary has already left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the secretary. She turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said Mr. Jones as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
 
[SIZE=+1]"Catholic school" [/SIZE]​

A mom and dad were worried about their son not wanting to learn math at the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school.
After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the house, goes straight into his room and slams the door shut. Mom and dad are a little worried about this and go to his room to see if he is okay.
They find him sitting at his desk doing his homework. The boy keeps doing that for the rest of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his report card and gives it to his mom and dad. Looking at it they see under math an A+.
Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son, "What changed your mind about learning math?"
The son looked at mom and dad and said, "Well, on the first day when I walked into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the back of the room behind the teacher's desk and I knew they meant business."
 
INNOCENCE IS PRICELESS​

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque.It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morningAlex.'

'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this? '

The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.'

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,

'Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:30?'
 
[SIZE=+1]"Late night visit" [/SIZE]

Late one night, a man walks into a dentist's surgery and says, "Excuse me, can you help me? I think I'm a moth."
Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."
Man: "Yes, I know."
Dentist: "So why did you come in here?"
Man: "Well, the light was on."
 
Duck walks into a convinience store asks have you got any grapes clerk says no duck says thank you comes the next day says have you got any grapes clerk says no duck leaves comes back next day says do you have any grapes clerk says look youve been here twice alreadii told yyou we dont have grapes if you come here one more time im going to nail your webbed feet to the floor the duck says thank you comes back the next day says have youy got any nails clerk says no duck say giood have you got any grapes.
 
EFFECTIVE SEPTEMBER 8, 2008
NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially
and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and
therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.

They are called Saturday Sundays.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the
stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall
door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the
company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.


Management















​
 
Guess the weight" ​

The Lamaze class included a tour of the pediatric wing of the hospital. When a new baby was brought into the nursery, all the women tried to guess its weight, but there was the only man who would venture a number.
"Looks like 9 pounds," he offered confidently.
"This must not be your first," one woman beside him said.
"Oh, yes," he said. "It's my first."
"Then how would you know the weight of a baby?" she asked.
He shrugged. "I'm a fisherman."
 
​
WHY AM I MARRIED? ​

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.

__________​


At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.' ​


__________ ​


A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.'​
​
When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him. ​
__________​


A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .


__________

A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'

__________​

A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'


__________


Then there
was a woman who said,
'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late.'

__________​

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
__________

If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
__________
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
__________

First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
__________​


'A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death'
__________

​





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[SIZE=+1]"Classifieds" [/SIZE]

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Père Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Chopin and Jean de la Fontain.

For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!



We build bodies that last a lifetime.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

For Sale: parachute, used once, never opened, small stain.
 
[SIZE=+3]His first day in Orlando, an American was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+3]Being intrigued he asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+3]The priest replied that it was a direct line to Heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=+3]Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+3]He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw inOrlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=+3]She told him that it was a direct line to Heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=+3]'O.K., thank you,' said the American . [/SIZE]

[SIZE=+3]He then traveled to [/SIZE][SIZE=+3]Indianapolis, Washington DC , Philadelphia , Boston and New York. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=+3]In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '$10,000 per call' sign under it! [/SIZE]
[SIZE=+3]The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel up to Canada to see if Canadians had the same phone. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=+3]He arrived in Canada, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40 cents per call.' [/SIZE]
[SIZE=+3]The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've traveled all over A merica and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'[/SIZE]

[SIZE=+3]The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in [/SIZE][SIZE=+3]Canada now, son - it's a local call'.[/SIZE]
 
[SIZE=+1]"Learning addition" [/SIZE]

Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?
Paddy: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home now!
 
woundedsoldierofCHRIST said:
Duck walks into a convinience store asks have you got any grapes clerk says no duck says thank you comes the next day says have you got any grapes clerk says no duck leaves comes back next day says do you have any grapes clerk says look youve been here twice alreadii told yyou we dont have grapes if you come here one more time im going to nail your webbed feet to the floor the duck says thank you comes back the next day says have youy got any nails clerk says no duck say giood have you got any grapes.
Click to expand...
I like it!:D
 
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