Dusty's Jokes
- Thread starter Dusty
- Start date
[SIZE=+1]"I can't hear you" [/SIZE]
An elderly gentleman with serious hearing problems goes to the doctor who fits him with hearing aids that allow him to hear at 100% for the first time in many years.
The elderly man goes back in a month for a checkup. The doctor says, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”
To which the gentleman replies, “Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times
B
Boanerges(Inactive)
Guest
[SIZE=+1]"My car!" [/SIZE]
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. “I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else.”
“How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, “Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.”
“Oh my Gosh !” screamed the lawyer. “My Rolex! My Rolex!”.
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. “I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else.”
“How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, “Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.”
“Oh my Gosh !” screamed the lawyer. “My Rolex! My Rolex!”.
Training the cat"
The couple's young daughter had adopted a stray cat.
To her mother's distress, the cat began to use the back of their new sofa as a scratching post. “Don't worry,” her husband reassured her. “I'll have him trained in no time.”
They watched for several days as he patiently “trained” their new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, he deposited the cat outdoors to teach him a lesson.
The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.
"Locked out"
One afternoon Sarah rushed out of the house, forgetting her keys, and found herself locked out. There was nothing she could do but wait for her husband to come home.
Sarah went over to a neighbour who was outside raking leaves. "You locked yourself out?" he asked.
"Yeah, this is the second time since we moved in. After the first time we took an extra key and put it in a jar, then stuck it in a potted plant on the deck.
"So what's the problem?"
"I took the plants in for the winter."
One afternoon Sarah rushed out of the house, forgetting her keys, and found herself locked out. There was nothing she could do but wait for her husband to come home.
Sarah went over to a neighbour who was outside raking leaves. "You locked yourself out?" he asked.
"Yeah, this is the second time since we moved in. After the first time we took an extra key and put it in a jar, then stuck it in a potted plant on the deck.
"So what's the problem?"
"I took the plants in for the winter."
"Elementary, Watson"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they laid down and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?”
Watson pondered for a minute. “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Chronologically, I deduce that the time is approximately five past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. “Watson, you imbecile! What it tells me is that some thief has stolen our tent!”
Doctor came home and found he had no water so he called a plumber. The plumber walked in and had the water back on in 5 minutes. The plumber turned around and handed the doctor a bill for $275.00.
The outraged doctor stammered "I'm a Neuro-surgeon, not some damn dumb plumber, and I don't even make that much for 5 minutes work!"
The plumber smiled and replied, "Yeah, I know, I didn't make that much when I was a Neuro-surgeon either"
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Stages of life:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
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A little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them.
You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"
The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old couple, all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came over to the old couples' table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything. Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat.
This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady. "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?" She answered...
"The Teeth."
Hey Amandaz ..
... he he ..... Thanks for the jokes
"Wooden spoons"
One day during cooking class, the teacher, Mrs. Jones, was extolling her secrets for preparing perfect sauces. When she ordered us to the stoves to prepare our assignments, she said, “Don't forget to use wooden spoons.”
As I stirred my sauce, I contemplated the physics behind the mystery of the wooden spoon and decided it must have something to do with heat conduction. I approached Mrs. Jones to test my theory. “Why wooden spoons?” I asked.
“Because,” she replied, “if I have to sit here listening to all your metal spoons banging against metal pots, I'd go nuts.”
... he he ..... Thanks for the jokes "Wooden spoons"
One day during cooking class, the teacher, Mrs. Jones, was extolling her secrets for preparing perfect sauces. When she ordered us to the stoves to prepare our assignments, she said, “Don't forget to use wooden spoons.”
As I stirred my sauce, I contemplated the physics behind the mystery of the wooden spoon and decided it must have something to do with heat conduction. I approached Mrs. Jones to test my theory. “Why wooden spoons?” I asked.
“Because,” she replied, “if I have to sit here listening to all your metal spoons banging against metal pots, I'd go nuts.”
LOL!!
Great ones! ... It made me smile, thanks for those!
And the marble story broke my heart, but it is so true, and reminds us that it isn't what we have, it is what we give!!!!
Great ones! ... It made me smile, thanks for those!
And the marble story broke my heart, but it is so true, and reminds us that it isn't what we have, it is what we give!!!!
How old are you?"
A famous lawyer died and showed up at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter came out to welcome him, and as the Gates opened, the lawyer saw a banner which welcomed him, the first 457 year old man.
The lawyer was confused. He said to St. Peter "I don't understand. When I died, I was 63 years old, not 457."
St. Peter was now confused, and said "Why, you must be 457 years old. We added up all the hours you billed your clients, so you've got to be 457!"
A famous lawyer died and showed up at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter came out to welcome him, and as the Gates opened, the lawyer saw a banner which welcomed him, the first 457 year old man.
The lawyer was confused. He said to St. Peter "I don't understand. When I died, I was 63 years old, not 457."
St. Peter was now confused, and said "Why, you must be 457 years old. We added up all the hours you billed your clients, so you've got to be 457!"
"Right click"
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'.
B
Boanerges(Inactive)
Guest
"Performance reviews"
"His men would follow him anywhere...but only out of morbid curiosity."
"This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't be'."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
"Calling in sick"
When Jim walked into the office, he knew something was up. There was a message on his desk that the boss wanted to see him as soon as he arrived.
The boss didn't look very happy when Jim reported to his office.
The older man didn't say anything, he just pointed at the newspaper on his desk. It was opened to the sports page, and there was a picture of a smiling Jim, holding up the trophy for winning the local golf tournament the day before.
"I just checked. You called in sick yesterday!" the boss said. "What if everybody just claimed to be sick and took off whenever they wanted to? What do you have to say for yourself?"
There was a moment of silence in the big corner office, until Jim finally spoke up, "I was really surprised to win the tournament, sir. I have never played that well. Think of the score I could have had if I hadn't been sick!"
When Jim walked into the office, he knew something was up. There was a message on his desk that the boss wanted to see him as soon as he arrived.
The boss didn't look very happy when Jim reported to his office.
The older man didn't say anything, he just pointed at the newspaper on his desk. It was opened to the sports page, and there was a picture of a smiling Jim, holding up the trophy for winning the local golf tournament the day before.
"I just checked. You called in sick yesterday!" the boss said. "What if everybody just claimed to be sick and took off whenever they wanted to? What do you have to say for yourself?"
There was a moment of silence in the big corner office, until Jim finally spoke up, "I was really surprised to win the tournament, sir. I have never played that well. Think of the score I could have had if I hadn't been sick!"
"2 AM"
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" The cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.
"Long day"
Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.
"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."
"Oh, that's awful!"
"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."
Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.
"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."
"Oh, that's awful!"
"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."
"Skeleton in the closet"
The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards.
They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose - how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author assured the family he could handle the story as tactfully as possible and was given the go-ahead to write the book.
The book appeared. It said “Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution and was attached to his position by the strongest of ties. His death came as a great shock.”.
The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards.
They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose - how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author assured the family he could handle the story as tactfully as possible and was given the go-ahead to write the book.
The book appeared. It said “Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution and was attached to his position by the strongest of ties. His death came as a great shock.”.