Justanothersinner,
Good day and welcome to the family. Like AtomicSnowflak said, there are many people here who know what they are talking about and I am sure each will be more than willing to help point you in the right direction. I say this, as I too am relatively new here and they have done it for me.
I too have asked myself the same questions. The good news is that, as I progress through my journey, I find that it is best to surrender to the will of our Lord; that true happiness comes from knowing that God has shown us mercy and loves us; and that we should give thanks daily.
Like I said, I too am learning and do not know enough to provide guidance. I will tell you this. God said “Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.” (Revelations 3:20 (NIV)). Do yourself a favor and open the door. God will not turn His back on you and, at some point, will knock hard enough to get your attention.
We all desire, and need, His love and the comfort of knowing that we need face nothing alone. We all take different paths but aiming for the same destination. I turned my back on God for over 40 years and was reborn only a few months ago. I am now where I want to be and my entire outlook on life has changed. I am here to tell you that God will change your life and can change everything. He has given me a second change to make up for so many things I once took for granted and I thank Him many times each day.
Anyway, welcome and have a fantastic day.
Rtm3039