I'm not suicidal, but...

[rikdo]

I've spent a shockingly large percentage of my time feeling like I would rather die than live.
Let me be clear: I am not planning on doing anything to end my life.
But I find myself wishing a meteor would hit my house while I'm sleeping, for example.

Life just seems so... pointless. I have no idea what I'm doing here. I've been unemployed for a number of years, unable to get anything going. Everything I try seems to fail. I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels, taking up resources for no reason. I have no idea what to do with the rest of my life.

I think about the "blessings" I always thought came with the Christian life. Well, when do they start? When do I "get to the good part"? Not until after death? It must be, because life has been just struggle and dashed hopes, with occasional, brief moments of distraction. So why would I want to go on living even a minute longer than I absolutely have to?

I could compare it to a football game (American football): I feel like it's the middle of the 3rd quarter (I'm a bit over 50). I'm losing 31-3. My starting quarterback and a few other key players are out with injuries. I just want this game to end.

I don't understand when people say things like, "the gift of life", or when they talk about being thankful for each new day, or anything like that. I don't understand anyone who says they're glad to be alive. And I want to ask questions like, "If you believe you're going to heaven, why are you glad to still be here?"

I don't want to make this too much longer, so... any thoughts, anyone?
As you can imagine, it's not a whole lot of fun going through life feeling like this. I can manage to feel optimistic for as long as a couple of weeks now and then, but that's about it.

 

[Prim90]

I've spent a shockingly large percentage of my time feeling like I would rather die than live.
Let me be clear: I am not planning on doing anything to end my life.
But I find myself wishing a meteor would hit my house while I'm sleeping, for example.

Life just seems so... pointless. I have no idea what I'm doing here. I've been unemployed for a number of years, unable to get anything going. Everything I try seems to fail. I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels, taking up resources for no reason. I have no idea what to do with the rest of my life.

I think about the "blessings" I always thought came with the Christian life. Well, when do they start? When do I "get to the good part"? Not until after death? It must be, because life has been just struggle and dashed hopes, with occasional, brief moments of distraction. So why would I want to go on living even a minute longer than I absolutely have to?

I could compare it to a football game (American football): I feel like it's the middle of the 3rd quarter (I'm a bit over 50). I'm losing 31-3. My starting quarterback and a few other key players are out with injuries. I just want this game to end.

I don't understand when people say things like, "the gift of life", or when they talk about being thankful for each new day, or anything like that. I don't understand anyone who says they're glad to be alive. And I want to ask questions like, "If you believe you're going to heaven, why are you glad to still be here?"

I don't want to make this too much longer, so... any thoughts, anyone?
As you can imagine, it's not a whole lot of fun going through life feeling like this. I can manage to feel optimistic for as long as a couple of weeks now and then, but that's about it.

Rikdo I’m sure those thoughts have crossed most people’s minds from time to time. As to the question of heaven and earth. Well the reality is the journey begins here for us all. As to your circumstances the more desperate the situation the more you grow closer and cling to the God. It be a process nearly all Christians go through. You did mention being unemployed. What things are you good at

 

[bobinfaith]

I've spent a shockingly large percentage of my time feeling like I would rather die than live. Let me be clear: I am not planning on doing anything to end my life. But I find myself wishing a meteor would hit my house while I'm sleeping, for example. Life just seems so... pointless. I have no idea what I'm doing here. I've been unemployed for a number of years, unable to get anything going. Everything I try seems to fail. I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels, taking up resources for no reason. I have no idea what to do with the rest of my life. I think about the "blessings" I always thought came with the Christian life. Well, when do they start? When do I "get to the good part"? Not until after death? It must be, because life has been just struggle and dashed hopes, with occasional, brief moments of distraction. So why would I want to go on living even a minute longer than I absolutely have to? I could compare it to a football game (American football): I feel like it's the middle of the 3rd quarter (I'm a bit over 50). I'm losing 31-3. My starting quarterback and a few other key players are out with injuries. I just want this game to end. I don't understand when people say things like, "the gift of life", or when they talk about being thankful for each new day, or anything like that. I don't understand anyone who says they're glad to be alive. And I want to ask questions like, "If you believe you're going to heaven, why are you glad to still be here?" I don't want to make this too much longer, so... any thoughts, anyone? As you can imagine, it's not a whole lot of fun going through life feeling like this. I can manage to feel optimistic for as long as a couple of weeks now and then, but that's about it.

Hello brother rikdo;

I'm sorry with all that you're going through in your life as I read and re-read your thread.

I understand you're living overseas and have been out of work. Do you know of a Church close to where you live?

I've resided in the SF Bay Area for 36 years and you probably can imagine life out here. At the Church where I pastored there were visitors who would stop by during the weekday or Sunday before and after worship service. I would sit with them and listen as they opened up.

I offered resources to help give them direction and reach out, including job placement services. It helped.

The Church Pastor in your community will make an appointment with you and have a closed door conversation.

Again, I'm sorry to read what you're going through right now, rikdo.

My wife and I are lifting you up in our prayers, hang in there.

 

[Cosia]

Hi rikdo
The way you are feeling makes me feel sad. Have you sought medical help?
Take the feelings you have to the Lord, and pour your heart out to him.
You need to get your hope back.

Ask God for help. God knows what you are going through.
I am praying for you.

Please stay with us and let us know how you are.

 

[In Awe of Him]

I've spent a shockingly large percentage of my time feeling like I would rather die than live.
Let me be clear: I am not planning on doing anything to end my life.
But I find myself wishing a meteor would hit my house while I'm sleeping, for example.

Life just seems so... pointless. I have no idea what I'm doing here. I've been unemployed for a number of years, unable to get anything going. Everything I try seems to fail. I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels, taking up resources for no reason. I have no idea what to do with the rest of my life.

I think about the "blessings" I always thought came with the Christian life. Well, when do they start? When do I "get to the good part"? Not until after death? It must be, because life has been just struggle and dashed hopes, with occasional, brief moments of distraction. So why would I want to go on living even a minute longer than I absolutely have to?

this post was most difficult for me to read because I felt like I was looking in the mirror. That was me pre-2021. That was me for decades upon decades.

rikdo .... there is much I have to say on the topic of depression and suffering... however... I am going to have to make sure I am only sharing what God would have me share. I was DELIVERED from this life of despair and agony... .and I still can't explain WHY... but I do have a great empathy for those who are still in active suffering.

I really don't know what I might have to offer you but my heart definitely reacted strongly when I read your post.

If you read some of my earlier posts... there are a few places where I have shared how my life used to be.

God bless you dear one. KNOW that God is not finished with you yet. He knows you intimately... He has a plan for you ( even though you can't see it or feel it ). I promise you this.

 

[Dave F.]

Getting into your football analogy... the Seattle Seahawks were down and had to call on their 3rd string quarterback, some no name guy called Russell Wilson, who went on to not only win that game but became their starter and won a superbowl. As long as GOD is your coach, you are still in the game. I don't know what is going on in your life, nor anything about you personally, but I do know about God and that He does answer prayers. Hold fast to your faith and keep praying until you get the job and the strength you need. We all go through difficult times, you are not alone, God is always with you. He loves you and knows your needs. Put all your trust in HIM.

 

[bobinfaith]

Rikdo I’m sure those thoughts have crossed most people’s minds from time to time. As to the question of heaven and earth. Well the reality is the journey begins here for us all. As to your circumstances the more desperate the situation the more you grow closer and cling to the God. It be a process nearly all Christians go through. You did mention being unemployed. What things are you good at

this post was most difficult for me to read because I felt like I was looking in the mirror. That was me pre-2021. That was me for decades upon decades.

rikdo .... there is much I have to say on the topic of depression and suffering... however... I am going to have to make sure I am only sharing what God would have me share. I was DELIVERED from this life of despair and agony... .and I still can't explain WHY... but I do have a great empathy for those who are still in active suffering.

I really don't know what I might have to offer you but my heart definitely reacted strongly when I read your post.

If you read some of my earlier posts... there are a few places where I have shared how my life used to be.

God bless you dear one. KNOW that God is not finished with you yet. He knows you intimately... He has a plan for you ( even though you can't see it or feel it ). I promise you this.

Hi rikdo
The way you are feeling makes me feel sad. Have you sought medical help?
Take the feelings you have to the Lord, and pour your heart out to him.
You need to get your hope back.

Ask God for help. God knows what you are going through.
I am praying for you.

Please stay with us and let us know how you are.

Getting into your football analogy... the Seattle Seahawks were down and had to call on their 3rd string quarterback, some no name guy called Russell Wilson, who went on to not only win that game but became their starter and won a superbowl. As long as GOD is your coach, you are still in the game. I don't know what is going on in your life, nor anything about you personally, but I do know about God and that He does answer prayers. Hold fast to your faith and keep praying until you get the job and the strength you need. We all go through difficult times, you are not alone, God is always with you. He loves you and knows your needs. Put all your trust in HIM.

Good morning, In Awe of Him, Prim90, Cosia and Dave F.;

It's a brand new day. Let's continue to pray in accord for our brother rikdo and other members who want to join us.
God bless you, rikdo.

 

[forgiven61]

I've spent a shockingly large percentage of my time feeling like I would rather die than live.
Let me be clear: I am not planning on doing anything to end my life.
But I find myself wishing a meteor would hit my house while I'm sleeping, for example.

Life just seems so... pointless. I have no idea what I'm doing here. I've been unemployed for a number of years, unable to get anything going. Everything I try seems to fail. I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels, taking up resources for no reason. I have no idea what to do with the rest of my life.

I think about the "blessings" I always thought came with the Christian life. Well, when do they start? When do I "get to the good part"? Not until after death? It must be, because life has been just struggle and dashed hopes, with occasional, brief moments of distraction. So why would I want to go on living even a minute longer than I absolutely have to?

I could compare it to a football game (American football): I feel like it's the middle of the 3rd quarter (I'm a bit over 50). I'm losing 31-3. My starting quarterback and a few other key players are out with injuries. I just want this game to end.

I don't understand when people say things like, "the gift of life", or when they talk about being thankful for each new day, or anything like that. I don't understand anyone who says they're glad to be alive. And I want to ask questions like, "If you believe you're going to heaven, why are you glad to still be here?"

I don't want to make this too much longer, so... any thoughts, anyone?
As you can imagine, it's not a whole lot of fun going through life feeling like this. I can manage to feel optimistic for as long as a couple of weeks now and then, but that's about it.

life is tough the way things are.

I think about the "blessings" I always thought came with the Christian life. Well, when do they start? When do I "get to the good part"? Not until after death? It must be, because life has been just struggle and dashed hopes, with occasional, brief moments of distraction. So why would I want to go on living even a minute longer than I absolutely have to?

i think at one point of time we have all felt like this. i am not going to offer you any type words like hang in there it will get better or the romans 8:28 where he works all things together for our good, yes he does our problem is we cant see the overall results he has for us, as i post this my wife and i have good friends they are over the road truck drivers . they came in early for the 4th july , the truck they drive a check engine light come on..
they took it back to the terminal put it in the shop. they said it was fixed . they got in truck drove it around boom same light. it was some type wiring harness . he takes it back Tuesday after noon. they get the truck fixed he comes home Thursday picks his wife up. they go to the headquarters where dispatched from , come friday NO LOAD there back home for the weekend .. NO pay check ,

i have tried talking him into finding another company to drive for. he says God has not told him to move to another company. i cant question him on this . i think of Job 38:1 Then the Lord answered Job out of the whirlwind, and said, when i think of a whirlwind i think of a storm . and this is what your going through in fact our friends i was speaking of is to. break downs layovers no loads for a couple days = a lose of wages . they moved out of there home allowed their youngest daughter and her now husband wand her 3 kids to move in,

with the fact that they would either get the loan ti buy it or it would be sold .. so they could remodel the other house they moved into. the Daughter living with teh man she just married . becomes with Child 5 months later they find the Baby not developing they had to pre deliver the baby . please understand this couple is saved born again . there have been ups and downs in the job there daughter who was raised in Church . decided that was not for her. very rebellious her mom and dad loved her and the kids unconditionally. while the heart was broke in a million pieces.


God has something for you the Bible says we will reap in due season if we faint not {dont give up } Job got through his storm by the skin of his teeth.
my words to you is buckle down Dont give up hope . i dont know how or when . but some how you will get through this and look back and say how did i ever come through this.. yes we the Just live by faith .i have been through some tough storms like you i knew what God promised in his Word. but yet i could not understand and to be honest i still dont.. we had to pay off our car from my 4o1k savings just to keep our nose above the water line. we had 2years left to pay it off. .

keep praying keep seeking God . dont give up each person reacts to storms and trials different . we all have feelings just like you . only yours belongs to you . i hope this will give you a glimmer of Light in the darkness of your storm. He will always be there even when we want to give up. it does not hurt in prayer to tell the Lord your feelings peter wrote casting all your cares on him cause He cares for you...

 

[rikdo]

I joined this forum almost exactly 2 years ago, and I've written countless drafts of this post during those 2 years, only to abandon them. Now that I've finally actually posted something, I thank all of you for your replies and your prayers. You've given me much to think about, and some good advice.

In my less "down" phases, I know it is part of trusting God to endure these times. Even when they last years. But the longer these bad times last, the more I find myself questioning the purpose of it all. It seems so pointless, as if literally all I'm waiting for is to die. So many times I've gotten hints of what could be light at the end of the tunnel, and thought maybe things are about to change for the better. But they don't.

I understand that my perspective is severely limited, and God's is unlimited, so I can't really say, "The situation is x, so God should do y". How have I remained faithful? Pure human reason would say God has forgotten about me. But something other than human reason keeps telling me that can't be true.

Thank you all again for taking the time to reply, and for your prayers and advice.

 

[crossnote]

But the longer these bad times last, the more I find myself questioning the purpose of it all.

If I may, I’ll interject…
It’s not about us, not even our faithfulness. It’s about Him and His faithfulness. It’s not a matter of us holding His hand crossing the street, but Him holding ours, which He has promised to never let go.

Hebrews 13:5-6 NKJV
Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have. For He Himself has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." [6] So we may boldly say: "The LORD is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?"

Deuteronomy 31:8 NKJV
And the LORD, He is the One who goes before you. He will be with you, He will not leave you nor forsake you; do not fear nor be dismayed."

Purpose?…

2 Corinthians 5:2-5 NASB95
For indeed in this house we groan, longing to be clothed with our dwelling from heaven, [3] inasmuch as we, having put it on, will not be found naked. [4] For indeed while we are in this tent, we groan, being burdened, because we do not want to be unclothed but to be clothed, so that what is mortal will be swallowed up by life. [5] Now He who prepared us for this very purpose is God, who gave to us the Spirit as a pledge.

 

[Prim90]

I joined this forum almost exactly 2 years ago, and I've written countless drafts of this post during those 2 years, only to abandon them. Now that I've finally actually posted something, I thank all of you for your replies and your prayers. You've given me much to think about, and some good advice.

In my less "down" phases, I know it is part of trusting God to endure these times. Even when they last years. But the longer these bad times last, the more I find myself questioning the purpose of it all. It seems so pointless, as if literally all I'm waiting for is to die. So many times I've gotten hints of what could be light at the end of the tunnel, and thought maybe things are about to change for the better. But they don't.

I understand that my perspective is severely limited, and God's is unlimited, so I can't really say, "The situation is x, so God should do y". How have I remained faithful? Pure human reason would say God has forgotten about me. But something other than human reason keeps telling me that can't be true.

Thank you all again for taking the time to reply, and for your prayers and advice.

Nkdo from what I understand of scripture Christ came to save sinner's. But at same time we still live in a fallen body and a fallen world until the appointed time. Yes there are certain things that can bring us temporary happiness. A happy marriage a secure income a home etc. but those things are only temporary and may remain with us for a full life. But often they don’t. The reality that we have to grasp is that God paid a price for you no matter how poor or destitute we may feel or seem. You and each of his children are very special to God. You have been brought at great price paid for in his blood All God wants from us is a relationship and our love. We must go with boldness and confidence in the world we presently llive firmly knowing that He that is in us is greater than he that be of the world. Jesus did say . Lo. I am with you always even unto the end of the world. When thinking upon your situation I do think upon Alexander Solzhenitsyn upon his time in a gulag . He wrote these astounding words of his memories of imprisonment there.

 

[Cosia]

Hi rikdo
Thank you for your amazing post. I am sure it will be a great encouragement to others who suffering, and maybe reading but not posting. We are so glad you kept on reading, preparing draft posts and finally posting. That was a huge step forward you made, and a very brave one.

Talk to the Father rikdo every day, even if it is a short talk.
Please stay with us, we are one big family.

What do you think will help you along the way?
'With God all things are possible!'

Praying for you every day. God is with you.
God Bless

 

[In Awe of Him]

I understand that my perspective is severely limited, and God's is unlimited, so I can't really say, "The situation is x, so God should do y". How have I remained faithful? Pure human reason would say God has forgotten about me. But something other than human reason keeps telling me that can't be true.

I have no words to tell you how VERY MUCH I can relate to everything you have shared... IF I didn't know better... I might think this was even me writing what you have written.

For DECADES I suffered with SEVERE CHRONIC DEPRESSION ... plus something called DYSTHYMIA which is simply a low grade depression ALL the time... so a double whammy.

Like you... something other than human reasoning kept telling me that God couldn't have truly forgotten or abandoned me.... THAT small flame of HOPE kept me going for decades... UNTIL the day HE showed up to CONFIRM within my SPIRIT that not ONLY had HE NOT forgotten me... HE actually HEALED me. I am going on three years of absolute HEALING from depression. The outcome of all those years of suffering was a FAITH that is so DEEP... it is UNSHAKABLE. NOTHING can snatch you from HIS GRIP. Please remember this as you suffer.... NOTHING can snatch you because the MIGHTY HAND of GOD has you.

For whatever reason... your cross to bear on this earthly plane is one of SORROW and SADNESS... I am intimately acquainted with this scenerio... and so I can assure you that It is only a drop in the bucket of what YOUR SAVIOUR SUFFERED....so pick up your cross my BELOVED and carry it... embrace it... OFFER it as a SACRIFICE to the LORD.

God bless you...

 

[forgiven61]

I understand that my perspective is severely limited, and God's is unlimited, so I can't really say,

everyone has those days some more than others get you a good church home it will help

 

[In Awe of Him]

everyone has those days some more than others get you a good church home it will help

Please do NOT take this as a correction or offence.... as that is NOT my intention here.... however...
What is being described here by the original post is NOT simply having a bad day... It's having bad months after months
of sorrow and suffering without reprieve.... this is serious chronic depression and is an illness. This is not something that one
can simply SHAKE off.

Although the concept of Church is "meant" to be of help.... often times... the person who is suffering is lucky to be able to get out of bed and brush their teeth let alone even begin to think about going out in public... EVERYTHING is draining when one is sick like this.

This person needs a supernatural healing and until then... they need to embrace their cross... and ask God for strength to do so.

 

[ModeratorTeam]

Hi, Everyone - this thread has been helpful in it's content.

This is just a reminder for all participants, to look over forum rule 3.2d as a reminder - just in case.

Thank you everyone. Click on link below -

Rules Reminders for Everyone


`

 

[In Awe of Him]

Thank you for this reminder ModeratorTeam.

My heart is absolutely touched by this thread... and I have been in prayer because I have nothing to offer except that.

What I do know for a FACT is that when suffering is embraced and offered back to God... FAITH is multiplied and strengthened.

Just to clarify.... my intentions were NOT to suggest that church would NOT be helpful... but rather to point out that sometimes it is very difficult to accomplish the minor tasks required simply for surviving. Surrounding oneself with fellow believers is INDEED an important aspect.

 

[crossnote]

Just to clarify.... my intentions were NOT to suggest that church would NOT be helpful... but rather to point out that sometimes it is very difficult to accomplish the minor tasks required simply for surviving. Surrounding oneself with fellow believers is INDEED an important aspect.

IAoH, you have given some very sound advice on this thread, but the issue isn't regarding going to Church or not, but rule 3.2d states...

Rule 3.2d Due to liability concerns, CFS does not, under any circumstances, allow the posting of professional, clinical or psychological advice for members. This is especially enforced in the "Personal" posting areas. Anyone who offers professional, clinical or psychological advice may face warnings or banning from CFS and all posts will be removed. Even those persons who are licensed psychologists or therapists MAY NOT offer professional advice at the CFS Forum or by way of Private Messaging. The staff at CFS recommends that members who need answers should meet with a licensed and insured local Christian Consultant in your home area.

 

[In Awe of Him]

rikdo ... Please know that I will continue to pray for you as you navigate your circumstances and your own personal mental well-being.

I think I read that you are so very welcome here in our forums. You are accepted here... and will not be told what to do but rather simply cared for and prayed for. Your post deeply touched my heart because I understand long term suffering better than most. However... I do not have ADVICE to offer... other than GOD is GOOD... and HE will NOT fail YOU.

I hope you continue to visit here and feel comforted and safe here...

Most tenderly... In CHRIST
~ In Awe of Him

 

[rikdo]

In Awe of Him, thank you, I appreciate your posts here and your prayers, as well as everyone who has replied to me. I can tell you know first hand what it can be like from some of the specific things you mentioned. Yes, there is at times a terrible lack of motivation to do even simple things. Facing another 20-30 years of this just seems utterly unbearable.

At my worst, I thought, "I don't even want things to get better; I just want them to be over". That's a really bad place to be. Thankfully I'm not there now, and I hope not to find myself there again. I am glad I finally posted something about this here. It is helpful having a little interaction with people about this.