Life Choices

#1
Life Choices

I'm not having difficultly decideing what is right for me but I'm having difficulty communicating it with my mom. For example: I go to a penecostal church right now, but I also attend my friends church of the brethern. I love it at her church and I have a longing to be there, but when I go to my original church, I don't feel anything. I can't grow there, but my mom demands I be there because she feels like she's loosing me since I'm always either at work or school or with my boyfriend. I don't like spending time with her either because she tares me down about everything. I try to let it go but she hurts me with her words sometimes. I just can't be around her. Then, she tells me that I can NOT get married until I'm 24 or she won't pay for my wedding. I have a serious boyfriend, who I believe and have peace in my spirit about that he is the one, and we have talked about marriage before. We want to get married by 22. But right there I can't even tlak to my mom about my relationship because she'll go balistic. I just don't know what to do. I want to still be respectful to my relationship with her but at the same time, I have to separate myself from her and she just wont let go.
 
B

Boanerges(Inactive)

Guest
#2
Hi Lumina and welcome to CFS! It sounds as though your mom is having some control issues. Some parents indeed have trouble letting go. In this and all other cases we should always be lead of the Lord in such desicsions. Pray and get a witness in your spirit about what God would have you do- that is the course you must follow. God must come before all in our lives, including the ones we love.

I was just wondering Lumina have you ever invited your mom to visit your church? Perahps a vist will calm her fears and there is always the possibility she could be touched by God.
 
#3
Well, this all comes down to how old you are.

If you're an adult, she should not be trying to control you. But if you're a Teenager, you should remember to Honor your Father and Mother. Try to find time with your mom. Perhaps one night a week watch a movie with her, spend time with her or what ever. That way Church isn't the only think you do together, and hopefully, she'll be ok with you going to another church.

Always Remeber. Your Mom loves you. Besides God, nobody has ever done as much for you/showed as much unconditional love as a Mother.
 
B

Boanerges(Inactive)

Guest
#4
Dave and I are in agreement with this: love your mama- you only get one! Even misguided parents generally mean well. As a young adult you have to make your own way but that in no way negates the honor thy mother and father statement!:D
 
#5
DaveS is a wise man, listen to him. It might not always be easy to do the right thing, but if you follow your mom's advice (honor her) you'll see that she only has your best interests in mind. You're her very own flesh and blood. She gave birth to you; she's not trying to harm you, she loves you.

Where's your father? Do you have brothers or sisters? If you're the only one that your mother has, she may find it very difficult to let you go.

God bless.
 
B

Boanerges(Inactive)

Guest
#6
I also love and honor my mother but I am not willing to blindly follow her- seek God first- He is the only one who can really show you how to love your mother in the first place. Jesus also said He came to divide and bring a sword. I am not saying this is your case but GOD ALWAYS COMES FIRST- seek His will.
 
#7
Hi Lumina and welcome to CFS! It sounds as though your mom is having some control issues. Some parents indeed have trouble letting go. In this and all other cases we should always be lead of the Lord in such desicsions. Pray and get a witness in your spirit about what God would have you do- that is the course you must follow. God must come before all in our lives, including the ones we love.

I was just wondering Lumina have you ever invited your mom to visit your church? Perahps a vist will calm her fears and there is always the possibility she could be touched by God.
Not the new one I'm attending. She wouldn't like it because they are very laid back. Not everyone dresses up for church. Some only wear jeans and a tee, but they are respectful to others who think they should dress up. The same with speaking in tounges because, I believe in it while their church in general doesn't although, they don't lecture me as to why I shouldn't. I believe and that's my choice and they respect it.
 
#8
Well, this all comes down to how old you are.

If you're an adult, she should not be trying to control you. But if you're a Teenager, you should remember to Honor your Father and Mother. Try to find time with your mom. Perhaps one night a week watch a movie with her, spend time with her or what ever. That way Church isn't the only think you do together, and hopefully, she'll be ok with you going to another church.

Always Remeber. Your Mom loves you. Besides God, nobody has ever done as much for you/showed as much unconditional love as a Mother.
I'm 18 and a half. Technically an adult, but only by law apparently. and I know she loves me, I just need to pull myself away from her but she hates it.
 
#9
DaveS is a wise man, listen to him. It might not always be easy to do the right thing, but if you follow your mom's advice (honor her) you'll see that she only has your best interests in mind. You're her very own flesh and blood. She gave birth to you; she's not trying to harm you, she loves you.

Where's your father? Do you have brothers or sisters? If you're the only one that your mother has, she may find it very difficult to let you go.

God bless.
I have my dad and he lives with us and two sisters. I'm the oldest and she admits I am the guinea pig for her. I hate it because that is the way it has always been. And I have tolerated it for so long, but now she's telling me what decisions I can make for myself like when to get married and she told me when I get married I have to have a house. And she get's mad when my plans don't line up with the ones she has for me. I know she wants whats best for me, especially since she didnt have someoen looking out for her when she was younger but I'm not her. She insists she doesn't treat me this way because of how she was raised but I can see it. She was bad when she was younger, drinking, drugs, sex. I have had every opportunity to do what she did when she was younger but I have never done any of it. I'm stronger than she was because I have the lord in my life. I don't like it when she tells be that in spite of the fact that I have God, I can still be lead astray. Its true but if my own mother has no faith in me then, well, I do get upset.
 
B

Boanerges(Inactive)

Guest
#10
Lumina you seem like a nice young lady with a good head on your shoulders.You also seem to have a good spirit about you- the world will indeed send many temptations your way but if you cling to Jesus you will always overcome. Momma is just being momma- parents sometimes have a hard time adjusting to the facty that their kids don't stay kids forever. It can be a difficult time but making your own decisions is part of maturing and it is quite natural for you at this age to do so. Still don't discount everything mom or dad tells you because with age can somtimes come wisdom. Love , listen, pray and be led of God, you cant go wrong that way- many blessings on your day- brother Larry
 
#11
I recently went through a similar situation with my family. I think the most important thing is to really try to love and respect your mom while making it clear that you are old enough to make your own decisions.
If it is possible to get away for college or even live on campus in the same city I found that really helps : )
Don't try to always pull away from your mom - ask her for advice and try to listen to and value it as she does love you and has more experience. Try to find out why she wants you to wait 5 years till getting married - I'd think she would know that is a very long time to try to resist sexual temptation at that age even for committed Christians.
 
#12
I recently went through a similar situation with my family. I think the most important thing is to really try to love and respect your mom while making it clear that you are old enough to make your own decisions.
If it is possible to get away for college or even live on campus in the same city I found that really helps : )
Don't try to always pull away from your mom - ask her for advice and try to listen to and value it as she does love you and has more experience. Try to find out why she wants you to wait 5 years till getting married - I'd think she would know that is a very long time to try to resist sexual temptation at that age even for committed Christians.
She doesn't want me to get married for 5 years solely for the reason that she wants me to not be like her and have finacial trouble. Again, it's the: your going to end up in a mess just like me if you...(fill it in). Yes I love her and respect her but don't parent's need to respect their children as well. If I choose to go to a different church, shouldn't she be happy I'm finding my own way. I'm not leaving the house of God, I'm drawing closer to him in a different house. And sexual temptations: don't ge tme started. I was raised that men are the problem and girls have nothing to do with that. Now that I'm in a relationship, I'm surprised that I desire sex just as much as a guy. I never thought I would need so MUCH self control. And I can't even talk to my mom about it. Or she will say "Will's leading you in the wrong path, he's not the one". B/c that is what she always says. I have abstained from temptation thanks to God's grace but, I was ashamed of myself for even thinking about sex. And I should never have hated myself for that. But I did because I thought I never ever should think that way. To solve all this I did listen to God. God is calling me away from the church I'm at and too another, but my mom refuses to accept it. Thus the problem, to obey God is to go to my friends church, but I must also obey my parents. I AM SO CONFUSED.
 
B

Boanerges(Inactive)

Guest
#13
It is human to have drives and temptation will occur but your response is pleasing to God-
 
#14
Growing up isn't easy and either is trying to parent someone. Sounds like you know right from wrong and that's a biggy.

Children are to obey and honour the parents but at the same time parents are not to provoke anger in their children.

My wife is very controlling and I know that my son endures a lot of crap that is not necessary because of this. As the other parent I have to discern when to say anything and when to keep my mouth shut. Some things won't matter in the grand scheme of things and thats when you choose your battes.

Try to make a deal with your mom. Her church every other week etc. Reinforce that you understand that she doesn't want you to make the mistakes that she did and you want her help every step of the way but you want to choose the steps.

Ensure her that your beliefs are founded on God and the Bible and that its thanks to her that they are. Let her know that she has been a great Mom and raised you right and it is time to trust her work in you, and let you have a little more wiggle room. Then make sure you do her proud and let her let go some more.

My opinion only
 
B

Boanerges(Inactive)

Guest
#15
Growing up isn't easy and either is trying to parent someone. Sounds like you know right from wrong and that's a biggy.



Ensure her that your beliefs are founded on God and the Bible and that its thanks to her that they are. Let her know that she has been a great Mom and raised you right and it is time to trust her work in you, and let you have a little more wiggle room. Then make sure you do her proud and let her let go some more.

Amen YJ!
 

Banarenth

Sr Mod/Webmaster
Staff member
Senior Moderator
#16
She doesn't want me to get married for 5 years solely for the reason that she wants me to not be like her and have finacial trouble. Again, it's the: your going to end up in a mess just like me if you...(fill it in). Yes I love her and respect her but don't parent's need to respect their children as well.
It's easy to want to do everything now. If it's really love, do you not believe it will last? If this is God's plan for you, do you think He is not strong enough to reward you? I'm not saying to blindly listen to your mother, but there are a lot of factors involved here, and I'm trying to read this only knowing one side of the story. 5 years does seem long, and I am myself often very impatient. I regret myself that I was not able to wait longer and be sure that I could take care of not only myself, but also my family. To me, it sounds like if you are right, with just a little patience, you should be able to easily prove to your mother that you are capable and ready. Otherwise, no matter how much you want it, in the end, you really aren't.

If I choose to go to a different church, shouldn't she be happy I'm finding my own way. I'm not leaving the house of God, I'm drawing closer to him in a different house.
I've been in a similar situation most of my life. My grandfather doesn't understand why I won't go to his church. I tell him that I'm looking for something more, and he thinks that there is nothing more real, no way to be closer. Yet, I found myself bound and limited by the church itself. Your mom has found a faith that she draws comfort from, and a place that has helped her. If you prove yourself, and truly grow in Christ, she will be able to see it in you, even if you go to another church.

And sexual temptations: don't ge tme started. I was raised that men are the problem and girls have nothing to do with that. Now that I'm in a relationship, I'm surprised that I desire sex just as much as a guy. I never thought I would need so MUCH self control. And I can't even talk to my mom about it. Or she will say "Will's leading you in the wrong path, he's not the one". B/c that is what she always says. I have abstained from temptation thanks to God's grace but, I was ashamed of myself for even thinking about sex. And I should never have hated myself for that. But I did because I thought I never ever should think that way.
You admit that you are having problems with self control. The myth that only guys are interested in sex is old and very heavily ingrained. It causes many, many problems with teens and young adults, and creates confusion. You feel that you can't wait 5 years for marriage because you are so tempted now, but in that same statement you don't seem to grasp just how real marriage is. That's a lifetime. It isn't disposable the way our society likes to make it. You have many, many years to spend with your future husband, is a few years too much to bare?

To solve all this I did listen to God. God is calling me away from the church I'm at and too another, but my mom refuses to accept it. Thus the problem, to obey God is to go to my friends church, but I must also obey my parents. I AM SO CONFUSED.
God would not "tempt" you to leave your church and go to another to disobey your parents. While the situation you discribe suggests that you are leaving for your own spiritual growth, very little of what you said hints at that desire. You want independence, and I won't fault you for that at all. Just, it's important to do some real soul searching, and see what is really God's calling, and what is your own desire.
 
B

Boanerges(Inactive)

Guest
#17
Go where you are led- leave all other thoughts behind- when we reach the point of maturity we are to seek God and find His direction for our lives- He will always honor the heart that does this.
 
#18
You admit that you are having problems with self control. The myth that only guys are interested in sex is old and very heavily ingrained. It causes many, many problems with teens and young adults, and creates confusion. You feel that you can't wait 5 years for marriage because you are so tempted now, but in that same statement you don't seem to grasp just how real marriage is. That's a lifetime. It isn't disposable the way our society likes to make it. You have many, many years to spend with your future husband, is a few years too much to bare?
You make it sound as if I am marrying him soley for sex. I want to marry him because I love him. Simple and true. Love is a flighty thing and trust me, I am not one to fall in love. I dated a guy when I was in 9th grade, I believed it would last forever, then he left me for another girl because he said I wasn't spiritual enough for him. I didn't date again for 4 years, determined not to get hurt. Then I found him. He met with all my criteria or who I wanted to marry and I have peace in my spirit he is the one. I want to marry him because I can't stand to be away from him. Every time I have to say good-bye, I look forward to seeing him or talking to him again. He's my best friend other than God. He is the only one on this earth who knows everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, about me. Not one this is hidden from him, even the fact that I used to pick my nose and rub it on the couch when I was 10. Yes, temptation exists and yes of course I want to have sex. Everyone does, especially when they think they have found the one. But I won't because my virginity is so precious to me, and if I am wrong, and he isn't the one, then I've cheated my real husband out of his well deserved gift from God. And also, realistically, all relationships advance to some type of physical relationship, and you can't just say "we'll stop here until were married". You just have to take it slow. I know that. If I get married young, it will be because I want to and it is what God wants me to do. I just don't like the fact that my mother tells me I can't get married, and threatens me with not giving her blessing (which she knows I WILL NOT get married w/o it) or pay for the wedding. That's wrong, and not a good example to me or my sisters, or even my bf who doesn't have christians parents.

God would not "tempt" you to leave your church and go to another to disobey your parents. While the situation you discribe suggests that you are leaving for your own spiritual growth, very little of what you said hints at that desire. You want independence, and I won't fault you for that at all. Just, it's important to do some real soul searching, and see what is really God's calling, and what is your own desire.
Here's the deal. I've come to a point where I don't trust my church. They talked behind my back and have told my parents lies such as: she's having sex and she's pregnant and she told me that she's gone partying. People at my church hurt me, and I have a hard time focusing at my church thinking everyone is judging me for things I've never done, while they exault others who have screwed up and they don't know it. They come up to people saying "God told me you are a bad example to our youth" and such when THAT is not of God. I am stuggling for independence, and I deserve it. I have done very little wrong in my life, and only betrayed my parent's trust 2 times in my life that I can remember. I ask their permission for everything and never go somewhere I say I'm not. But anyways, I don't feel I can grow. for the last 4 months, I have gone to church and felt nothing of God's presence, and have been unable to grow spiritually. This new church I've found, I desire to be there. I want to go to everything they offer, studies, services, events. I want to be a part of everything. I went to one service after 4 months of a dry period and felt refreshed and wanted nothing more than to be there. I may not express the desire I have to be there for more than the sole fact of independence, but believe me, I do. Isn't it possible that maybe this ISN'T my fault. But that my mom really can not let go when she needs too?

BTW: I did talk to her about this and I must attend sunday night services at my church but I can also go to this new church. She says she feels the same way about our church but can not leave because she feels it is her home. She says she cannot grow and she doesn't like the way some of the elders behave tlaking behind peoples back. the fact of the matter is she has the same opinion I do, but will do nothing about it.
 

Banarenth

Sr Mod/Webmaster
Staff member
Senior Moderator
#19
Sorry if I implied anything inappropriate. But that's how i read your own words. You repeatedly mixed the two topics of marriage and sex. My advise really still is to wait, because if it's real, it'll be worth it. I know that is easier said than done...a LOT easier. But I also doubt it would really take 5 years. If you prove your commitment and responsiblity, I'm sure your mother will see that. Some people really ARE so unreasonable that they just can't see past their noses, but very rarely will a parent be so cold hearted to their children that they won't do what is best. Just don't rush it, give it some time, and if you and your future husband both apply yourselves, it really won't be hard to prove your devotion. If you can't work towards being able to support your marriage now, how can any of expect to be able to maintain a marriage? Again, not saying that you will HAVE to wait 5 years, but in the end, is that really too long to ask?

And I totally get the whole "don't trust my church" thing. I even get why you want to leave. Your original postings didn't really hint much at the situation, however, it also seems that you have spoken with her and will now be going to another church, and just joining her on Sunday nights. That's a pretty reasonable compromise. You will get fed and grow, but you are still able to keep her company. Perhaps in time this will change for the better. Again, it's another case of being patient and letting God work.
 
B

Boanerges(Inactive)

Guest
#20
Lumina know that you are loved here and I for one am confident that you will make the right decisions.