May as well

As a hi,

I'm 50 and from the UK. I play Irish music (on mandolin and tenor banjo) as a hobby , haven't really worked since 1987 I asked God for help with a gf and I got the label (don't believe the diagnos) schizoprehic. For the last 10 years I have had terrible alcohol problems. I have gone astray in many ways and had years away from God, etc. often get "pray to the devil" thoughts have ranted and raved at God and have never found a relationship with Christ.

I suppose on may well ask what on earth is someone like that is doing over here and are they out to cause trouble?

My simple answer is in spite of it all, something draws me and has for years to the belief that in spite of it all, my answer does lie with Jesus Christ. I'm sure if I have one it does and through no-one else. I just don't find it, read things wrongly, etc.

As well as asking for help, I want to try and lear.

Hi, it sounds like a rocky road for you at the moment, my thoughts and prayers go with you. God is there, He's waiting at the other side of that door but its up to you to open it, He can't force His way in and neither can God open that door because there's no handle so God will keep knocking till you let Him in. I wont pretend its easy but you will be amazed at the amount of love and comfort there is. Do you go to church? If not then look around for one that's suited to you, fellowship is most important.
On the do I go to church question, the answer is no. I'd give 5 reasons.

1. I've not always found churches take kindly to someone with my problems.
2. I have to fight a lot of "grr" thoughts and fears when I do get to one.
3. When feeling up to it, I guess I can also feel to up to life and I let can't be bothered get in the way.
4. Atm it is hard to find slots in between getting up and getting down.
5. For a year or two I had again given up looking on my own for help in this way. This place is a new start/attempt for me.

There is a local church that I feel I'd like/ could get involved with which is Thorpe Market, Norfolk. I could even join their music group as folk music plays a part of it. Things (including me) never seem to have combined together for me to do it though.
better clarify #1. I don't do anything wrong in a church but a known smoker and a drinker can feel shunned.
Firstly above anything I must say, who are we to shun anyone? I certainly will not!

Lets look at your second reason, the 'grr' thoughts and fears, only one thing puts that in your head and heart and that's Satan and he certainly doesn't want you finding God or fellowship. That's the battle, think about that, try to understand it and as you begin to understand you will have taken the first step. There's no easy way but to continue fighting the anger and fear with positive good thoughts. I am no physician or anything like that, I am just trying to help you, walk with you, as I was so lucky to have someone do that with me. I don't have the answers and all I can do is pray about each reply I give to you or anyone.

I do hope this place here is the start you need and as I said previously I will not judge or shun anyone.

I am perhaps far too aware of Satan in some ways and I am aware how great the darkness can be.

Perhaps this place will prove to be somewhere I was guided to to help me find the true light and stay with it. I'd like to think so.
Well Keep that nice thought Jonbanjo as you have a look around the site and what it has to offer. Time for my sleep, a busy day awaits me.
hi jon!

its alright God loves you

were humans we all makes mistake

God doesnt care what you did in the past, He cares about what your going to do next :)

welcome! and see ya around brotha!
Cheers, I hope I can cling on to here and find faith. It's hard when the only things that have happened since starting to ask for help here are a broken (brand new) computer chair - I'm having to sit in a most uncomfortable position to post now and a completely different pattern to my drink problem... It's hard.

It's not the first time by any means that I have tried with God btw but something doesn't break and I have lost hope. I keep coming back to thoughts of something going horribly wrong in the past and can identify a time when much changed in our family (we were regular church goers until I was about 7 for example, then dad started having affairs, I developed a bed wetting problem and there were all sorts of other things) but I also know of dangers in seeking advice in this way. I'd mentioned an exorcism without knowledge in another thread... some advice has led to what I will call "blame games". It seems some things can play further into Satan's hands rather than the other way.

I think for now I've just got to cling on to God loves me (even though it often seems otherwise) and hope to find some Christian friends who I do stick with oh and have my brain rewired so it doesn't loose any positive thoughts about God.
Jon, I'm wondering why you don't accept the diagnosis of schizophrenia? Was the person who offered that diagnosis a qualified medical or mental health professional? If so, what did they suggest as methods of treatment? I have two relatives with that diagnosis. One has a more severe case than the other and includes a significant paranoid component. While neither of them have been able to live completely independently, medication has helped them tremendously, as well as other assistance. Alcohol was a problem for them as well, though I believe that is under control for both of them now.

I know there is a stigma attached to the label "schizophrenic", but I think it's worth looking into the treatment options such a diagnosis offers. Treatment for schizophrenia may also help with the alcohol and other issues. It's something to consider. I'm not a doctor or a psychiatrist or a psychologist, so I have no agenda to push, my only interest is in your well-being.
Let's put it this way, when I came out of hospital this time, my web site was hacked. It's harmless and not a hackers target but when I came out of hospital and tried to find another way, it was destroyed. It is known internationally eg. the Vaughan Willaims Memorial Website Links to me, the abc tutorial website links to me, etc.

When I gave up with that and let go of much to help the alchol, father worried about a hernia op goes into irrational blazes of anger.

When I then take solace in music, my amp blows up.

When I ask here for help, my chair breaks, etc.

I do not dispute that my handling of events could not have been better or that my interpretations of events may be wrong. But (as that label would do) to attribute all that has happened to my own mind (esp as much has been witnessed) is something I will not do.
As I say, I'm not a doctor, and I don't know what prompted your doctor to offer the diagnosis of schizophrenia. I'm not suggesting that all these things happened because of your mental state. An amp blows, a chair breaks, these are real events which have their roots in physics, chemistry, and mechanics. Your hacked website was a real event perpetrated by people with malicious intent and, whether random or targeted, would quite naturally be very upsetting. Schizophrenia doesn't always mean hearing voices or hallucinating or delusions. There are a lot of misconceptions about schizophrenia based on old stereotypes and ignorance. I just thought it would be a shame to dismiss treatment that may be helpful based on fear of a label. However, respecting your feelings on the subject, and having no personal agenda to push, I will now drop it.

Your life is difficult, right now, and for very valid reasons. Alcoholism is very difficult for most people to battle. A number of unpleasant things have happened to you recently. You're wrestling with Who God is and how to relate to Jesus. This is reality and you are living in that reality. I will continue to pray for you that God will continue to reveal Himself to you and that He will enable you to endure what you must endure, and that He will intervene in your life's circumstances, and that He will relieve you of those burdens which weigh you down.
OK. I did really break down in 1987. I was under an awful lot of pressure in a job that was new to me (I was working on production control's documentation for BS5750 approval at Hotpoint). I found a potential girlfriend who I really fancied. I still at the age of 27 had the bed wetting problems, etc. I decided to pray to God for help as I had done before but this time (things only came right in the past if I conceded [not that I did pray that way] that I might as well pray to the devil as pray to God and God was against me anyway) I would never give in. Everything sort of exploded and yes briefly, I did hear voices and talked to my girlfriend as at that time I believed wrongly tha telepathy might exist. I did wind up in a mental hospital for a week.

Maybe there was something just then but I still do not think schizophrenia and the voices cleared when I let go of the idea of telepathy, not through drugs. I think it was a nervous breakdown of some sort.

The only other things I will say is since the "never give in", I have been in an interminable battle. I won't say I have been consisten't - I haven't have gone astray, done bad things with God then tried to come back. The only rule of the game seems to be the harder I try with God, the more real, physical and witnessed things just break down.

I am certain that Satan does come into this but in 23 years, I have not been given by God the breakthrough I need and desire.

Many times, I'd love to run away but one problem I have there is I do believe God is for real and not a figment of my imagination.
I have not been given by God the breakthrough I need and desire.

Although, in fairness my eyes have been opened up at least enough to see some of my desires were wrong...
Just to expand on that, has anyone else when revising their own life felt that they have eaten a poisoned fruit? A fruit that God would not give as it would be wrong for you but you have bitten into the desire.

Then in my case, I've gotten angry with God as he hasn't given. Then years later, I realise I was wrong...
Feel a bit guilty about posting this but there is much I need to get off my chest.

Potted history.

As said before, we were church goers until I was about 7. Whether I believed up until then is something I can not even remember.

I'm not sure why the change but as well as the bed wetting, I started calling a brother "Panhead" and over the years got quite good at mental cruelty. I also got into bad company that persuaded me into animal cruelty, ie. I have bathed and then hair dryer on a cat for fun. Things went further in the Christian way as we even named a cat "Satan". But at that time, I was a devout atheist.

My "God's against me" thoughts started when I was about 17. I was interested in the Speldhurst village where i lived at the time church clock and i got talking to Ted Finch (angin at least some can be witnessed - the repair to the clock, etc. must be on record) and wound the clock up. The weights came crashing down through a cupboard about 6 inches from me through the floor and I think hit the font. Of course I see now that if God had wanted to hit me, his aim would not have been 6 inches out.

I suppose then we go through some wierd period where illogically as it sounds now, I was an atheist yet God was against me - and I was supposed to be a logical thinker...

It was a time of trying to reverse some thoughts though and much pulled back. I love my cat friends now and try (although I have problems with wasps and do eat some meat) to love all God's creatures. I made friends with my brother.

There is a lot of other bouncing and back, getting into bad habits, etc. but I will leave it at
The rest is stated in a previous post(s?).
Hi, having read your other posts it does take me back to some of my memories. The more you walk towards God the more Satan will hate it, ok so we all have accidents, break things etc I'm such a butterfingers at times and not just with objects as I know that if I forget my armour then something is bound to happen sooner or later. Its a constant battle Jonbanjo and at times it may seem that God is against you but believe me He isn't. For now you need to keep with it and stay in touch here because as people get to know you the more prayers of protection will be for you. Its a short message from me tonight, its been a long day and my alarm is set for 4.30am so need some rest.
Cheers. atm feeling as unwell as I do, I,m not sure that I will hold out but (and this goes to a few here) reading that I am not alone in wandering, seeing the dark side, etc. is at some comfort. It is nice to feel that someone else has "been there, seen that".

I have got to somehow take optimism in the fact that some of you have genuinely got out (or been got out) and found your peace (which I can accept is not without trial) with Jesus.