Relationship problems. Not married

I

Izzy

Hey I don’t know if this is the right forum for this but I really need a Christian perspective.
I gave my heart to Jesus when I was a child, was baptised (and I have a Christian family). I lost my way when I was a teen and after many years of ugly I turned back to God about 4 years ago. He has been transforming me ever since and I can tell you now that I’m a completely different person today than I was a few years ago. The changes I have made would not have been possible without His divine intervention. I was an alcoholics, I did drugs sometimes, I couldn’t handle my own temper, my character and everything about me was not who I am. Was not who God intended for me to be.
I turned back to God about 3-4 years ago but I am still living with a partner (not married) who is not a Christian. I condemned myself but I didn’t know how to let go of him and our child (his child actually (my step son)) who I helped raise from 9months old to now 15years of age. (He lives with us). Since I turned back to God great things have been happening. My partner has changed immensely even though He hasn’t given His life to God. When I started changin, he wanted to also and has been to church a few times with me (something that would have been impossible but he wanted to). I still condemned myself so I fasted for 3 days about our situation. You see, he doesn’t believe in marriage and didn’t want to ever get married. When I was lost this was a mutual agreement. But I changed. After my 3 days of fasting I prayed for strength to have the conversation with Him and strength to leave. And out of nowhere when I finally had a talk with my partner said he wanted to get married. He didn’t realise how important it was to me etc He just didn’t want a be in a spotlight.

So we agreed we would work towards marriage. Fast forward several months-almost a year I find out he cheated on me YEARS ago. (With my sister 😭😭😭). Already seems horrible. My sister also lost her way in teen years and is a few years younger than me.

I don’t even know what to do. I keep trying to pray and read my Bible but everything hurts. I already forgive them both because 1. I knew back then (had a suspicion, gut feeling) but no one admitted it to me but in order to move on with my life I needed to forgive even though no one confessed. And 2. My partner and I are both different people and we’ve grown and are happier now than we ever were. (But he still has a long way to go, it’s harder without God).

And now I feel stuck. Do I let go of my family? I don’t like living in sin but I don’t want to marry someone who has cheated on me. My sister is the one who finally confessed but she doesn’t have a good track record of telling the truth due to drugs and mental health issues. My partner denies it. I don’t know who to believe. Ugh it’s so hard because it probably seems simple when you’re NOT in this mess but when you are…… well… you know. It’s different.

I don’t have Christian friends to turn to because I have only been to church a few times. (I’ve always had my quiet time with God since I turned to Him and I watch sermons online and worship all the time but I didn’t join a Christian community until I signed up for home groups just this week. (Just before I found out about all this).

I would really appreciate some prayers. Ima still pray too.
 
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Dear Izzy;

Get in line with the rest of us, sister.

We all come with darts and arrows that have stung, for some many years. It's God opening the door that allows Christian Forum Site to be a refuge for many of us, including my wife and myself. Again, welcome! from your new friends in Christ.

Thank you for your honesty because the whole world can read your testimony and for many this may be an encouragement for others who are holding in so much but may now open up one day to others as well.

Coming to grips with what has happened in your life does not mean your life is over. Your being a Christian woman enables God to bring you into His light and recognize things before God can continue His good work in you for His glory.

Living in cohabitation with your partner all these years could have been security in him instead of security in Christ. Your partner gave a glimmer of hope for marriage but it seems he still doesn't have the foundation to make such a commitment, yet.

Regarding him and your sister, it is what it is, or was, regardless, it's time to go forward for Christ;

You mentioned that after 3 days of prayer and fasting may have given you the strength to leave. Couples who have considered marriage took a 3 to 6 month break (maybe more) to live separately, not what they think but what God says, first, about His manifestation of marriage between the couple's future. This includes Christian couples who live together.

On a blessing note, what about the child? The bigger picture is how you have loved and raised a 15 year old since he was 9 months old. God sees all! This counts for something because to him, you are his family. For an adult, 15 years goes by fast, for a child, 15 years is a lifetime.

I will commit to praying daily and nightly for you, Izzi. Keep praying, but more so, please TALK with God, just as you did in your thread. My prayer is God will make obvious what He is going to do for you with His purpose and vision. Please check your community for a local church and make an appointment with the Pastor.

Lastly, my prayer is God's peace and calm is with you during this season.

God bless you, Izzy, and your family.

 
Prayers
Well, this is hard cheating thing. He is not cheating anymore is he? He's with you? So, are you going to forgive him for that or not.

You are not sure if he's saying the truth or that your sister is. Since he denied it, how do you know your sister is right. Ok you went through that and now you say you forgiven them both.

And you don't want to marry someone who's cheated on you. Fair enough. Well does your partner want to marry you if you cheated on him? If he says he doesn't then maybe you have an answer. Though I do think, when people fornicate, ie. aren't married, how can they 'cheat' when they weren't even married....?

So maybe you have to go forward from the time you get married. But marrying an unbeliever isn't really going to be easy! What Bob suggests is that you separate for a time to see if it's going to work. Most christian couples do not live together prior to marrying. They just have an engagement period.

If the relationship is strong for that period while you are apart, it might be even stronger once you are married, so it could be a test. Or it could all fall apart, but then you would be free, because you can always break off an engagement, but a marriage you have to actually divorce. All that time could be used for you to pray and get closer to God without distraction and he could also find God too.
 
With your stepson I think if you marry you might think about legally adopting (if he's 15 maybe you could still) but otherwise treat him as your godson and he'll think of you as a Godparent.

I don't really know if your partner is still in touch with his son's mother?
 
That’s tough, Izzy. Let me ask you this: if the child was never born and not in the picture at all, what would you do? I suspect you would have a much easier time leaving your partner.

So the real question you’d like to know, if I’m correct, is how can you continue maintaining a mother/son relationship with the child if you were to leave your partner? I think given the child’s age, it’s entirely possible to still maintain that loving relationship even if you move out on your own. He’s old enough to still visit regularly and can even have his own room in your place. Things would obviously be different but the love doesn’t have to be.

In the long run, leaving him and moving out is the right thing to do. I’m sure it doesn’t feel like it but it’s an area of sin still in your life. In our walks with Christ, we strive to shine light on those dark sinful areas and eradicate them. It’s much easier said than done but I think you know what you need to do.

Besides, a man who finally agrees to marry you because he now realizes “how much it means to you” is agreeing to it for the wrong reasons. That combined with him not being a Christian and having the history with your sister is a recipe for a failed marriage. The trust won’t be there, he’s not agreeing to marry you out of love, and the marriage won’t be based on the foundational rock of Christ.

I’m sorry this all must be hard to hear but it doesn’t have to be. View it not as a move away from a relationship with him or your stepson but as a move toward a stronger relationship in Christ.

Whatever you choose to do, never lose faith in God for He is always good even in the most difficult of times. We’ll be praying for you.
 
Izzy said:
Hey I don’t know if this is the right forum for this but I really need a Christian perspective.
I gave my heart to Jesus when I was a child, was baptised (and I have a Christian family). I lost my way when I was a teen and after many years of ugly I turned back to God about 4 years ago. He has been transforming me ever since and I can tell you now that I’m a completely different person today than I was a few years ago. The changes I have made would not have been possible without His divine intervention. I was an alcoholics, I did drugs sometimes, I couldn’t handle my own temper, my character and everything about me was not who I am. Was not who God intended for me to be.
I turned back to God about 3-4 years ago but I am still living with a partner (not married) who is not a Christian. I condemned myself but I didn’t know how to let go of him and our child (his child actually (my step son)) who I helped raise from 9months old to now 15years of age. (He lives with us). Since I turned back to God great things have been happening. My partner has changed immensely even though He hasn’t given His life to God. When I started changin, he wanted to also and has been to church a few times with me (something that would have been impossible but he wanted to). I still condemned myself so I fasted for 3 days about our situation. You see, he doesn’t believe in marriage and didn’t want to ever get married. When I was lost this was a mutual agreement. But I changed. After my 3 days of fasting I prayed for strength to have the conversation with Him and strength to leave. And out of nowhere when I finally had a talk with my partner said he wanted to get married. He didn’t realise how important it was to me etc He just didn’t want a be in a spotlight.

So we agreed we would work towards marriage. Fast forward several months-almost a year I find out he cheated on me YEARS ago. (With my sister 😭😭😭). Already seems horrible. My sister also lost her way in teen years and is a few years younger than me.

I don’t even know what to do. I keep trying to pray and read my Bible but everything hurts. I already forgive them both because 1. I knew back then (had a suspicion, gut feeling) but no one admitted it to me but in order to move on with my life I needed to forgive even though no one confessed. And 2. My partner and I are both different people and we’ve grown and are happier now than we ever were. (But he still has a long way to go, it’s harder without God).

And now I feel stuck. Do I let go of my family? I don’t like living in sin but I don’t want to marry someone who has cheated on me. My sister is the one who finally confessed but she doesn’t have a good track record of telling the truth due to drugs and mental health issues. My partner denies it. I don’t know who to believe. Ugh it’s so hard because it probably seems simple when you’re NOT in this mess but when you are…… well… you know. It’s different.

I don’t have Christian friends to turn to because I have only been to church a few times. (I’ve always had my quiet time with God since I turned to Him and I watch sermons online and worship all the time but I didn’t join a Christian community until I signed up for home groups just this week. (Just before I found out about all this).

I would really appreciate some prayers. Ima still pray too.
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I suggest you say goodbye to the past life; there is too much to sort out even for the average person. You need a strong support group or women's counselor at a church.

The Bible always allows for the ending of a 'marriage' if there has been cheating, and this was true of an engagement period. (It was actually harsher in the Old Testament because the suspected couple was to be stoned). You prob need quite a few years of rebuilding before you consider another relationship. Part of that is to make God your closest partner.

There aren't many chapter or sections in the New Testament on decisions about marriage but one of them is I Corinthians 7, and its ideal for a person is not to "need" marriage--if at all possible. There is an initial statement that since there is so much sexual acting out, it would be best if each person was married, but obviously that is not a very lofty reason. A good marriage is two mature heterosexual adults who don't "need" to marry and are a healthy contribution to each other when they do. There is no bringing baggage, and no seeking pity or supplying it, all of which are unromantic.

For free help, and very good help most times, try the Male-Female Hour of Dennis Prager, Wednesdays at 10am Pacific, repeated every 3 hours after until 9am Thursday. He is a conservative rabbi with a very high view of Christ.
 
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