We do have a library. Normally, other than my daily bible reading, I do not care much for reading. I have although since Thursday read 2 books, from the "Left Behind" series. "Left Behind" & "Tribulation Force". I actually went to the library today and checked out the next three.
I do too and that is what is making it so hard. The harder I try to do God's work, the harder Satan digs in.
Somewhere in the backof my mind I knew about this but I have never checked into it for my self. I have actually told others about these programs. I am going to check out the site you gave.
I hate these thoughts, and I really try to hold on and every time they start I start praying harder and harder. I am under doctors care for my depression and I also am seeing a counselor every week (past two years) and she is great. i can call her when ever. I can always call my pastor too.
Deep down I know that I have to talk these things out and that holding them in is not a good thing, but when the depression hits, it hits hard and I do not want to talk to anyone.
I have so much trouble talking to my wife. That is also part of the problem. she suffers from depression also but no where near the extent that I do. She tries so hard to hold things together, and she told me the other day that she wished I could be as happy as she is at times. She has a way of laughing things off. I can not do that. As I have been told too many times I am my own worst enemy. And it is so true.
I hate being alone, but that is the way that I feel. deep down I know people care but Satan tries his best to make me think otherwise.
At church, I am a greeter on Sunday mornings, I sing in the choir, am an usher, I am the un-official Outreach Director, I do the bulletins, and also a monthly newsletter. I love all of these things, and most of all, being able to share my love for God with others especially with the bulletins and the newsletter. I put my heart and soul into the two. They allow me to express myself in ways that I never could in person.
Like we have already determined, unfortunately, Satan hates what I am doing and oh boy does he prove it. My health issues alone, at times are more than I can handle, but when he steps in, it really takes the cake. As I said earlier, God still fortunately has His grip and that is the only thing that keeps me from doing something stupid.
That's all really helpful, Brother of ours, and I do apologise that I'd forgotten some of the things you posted earlier on. I believe you are like us: NEVER looking for sympathy - but empathy and understanding sure are always great! Whether or no, what I want to say now Wayne is that you are doing great!! I mean it! With so much you have to contend with on a moment by moment, day by day basis, all the things that you do are quite amazing! Also the things you've set yourself to do. WOW!! And though there are times when you feel like giving up totally (that's solely the rotten DEPRESSION, isn't it, and is totally understandable), fact is - YOU HAVEN'T!!! You haven't given up. You're still in there fighting, working at it, thinking, considering, and aiming to keep going.
THAT'S WHAT GOD IS LOOKING FOR IN EVERY SON AND DAUGHTER OF HIS! He's looking for those determined to be OVERCOMERS!!! Those who, no matter the odds, will stay in the fight, and NOT quit. So I really honour you, Brother!!! As I'm quite sure the Lord does also.
PRAYING and CARING!!!
- BM and his Lady