When Others Want More Than You Have To Give.

[Via dolarossa]

Relationships are challenging, (thanks bobinfaith for the below quote )

Christians are going to be challenged in this area because we are in the people business

I am not always a people person, and i become withdrawn at times to process stuff. And i dont go out of my way to help people unless they ask first...unless its my duty to do so, because either i fear being taken advantage of and wont know how to say no with out lying, or they are quite capable of doing it their self and would end up smoothered, and depending on me for everything . But this generally only happens to people i can sense are taking advantage. Not generally to christians.

In the past, i have been put on, and felt resentment later. But now i have grown wise to this, but i still feel in limbo, so to speak, that when someone wants something that i dont feel up to doing for one reason or another, i still find i give excuses or, dig my heels in. Sometimes the help i can or do give does not match up to their expectations of what they desire or need, because i am not enthusiastic in the first place. Perhaps because i dont think they need any help at all, or that its not really my responsibility. I would hate to become that friend who does everything for others and get burnt out. Yes, its about boundaries. Being honest. But i have also seen other people resent this and it backfires, when you dont give them an 'excuse'. This is particylarly prevailant at work, where people also want an easy life.

Should we as christians, be giving excuses (or telling little white lies)to just have an easier life?

 

[rtm3039]

Relationships are challenging, (thanks bobinfaith for the below quote )



I am not always a people person, and i become withdrawn at times to process stuff. And i dont go out of my way to help people unless they ask first...unless its my duty to do so, because either i fear being taken advantage of and wont know how to say no with out lying, or they are quite capable of doing it their self and would end up smoothered, and depending on me for everything . But this generally only happens to people i can sense are taking advantage. Not generally to christians.

In the past, i have been put on, and felt resentment later. But now i have grown wise to this, but i still feel in limbo, so to speak, that when someone wants something that i dont feel up to doing for one reason or another, i still find i give excuses or, dig my heels in. Sometimes the help i can or do give does not match up to their expectations of what they desire or need, because i am not enthusiastic in the first place. Perhaps because i dont think they need any help at all, or that its not really my responsibility. I would hate to become that friend who does everything for others and get burnt out. Yes, its about boundaries. Being honest. But i have also seen other people resent this and it backfires, when you dont give them an 'excuse'. This is particylarly prevailant at work, where people also want an easy life.

Should we as christians, be giving excuses (or telling little white lies)to just have an easier life?

The textbook answer to that is "no," as honestly is the best policy. The realistic answer is that we sometimes do.

Here i a silly example. I believe I have mentioned there is this guy who is always on the streets asking for money. When I am in my car, I always have a bunch of $1.00 in the glove compartment and give him one. With my wife out of town, I have been driving her car. Yesterday, as I got to the corner, I saw him coming, I has no cash on me, so I picked up my cell phone and made believe I was talking to someone. Just found it easier to to this and not have to tell him no.

Yes, this is sad, but it is what it is.

 

[blueskies]

Should we as christians, be giving excuses (or telling little white lies)to just have an easier life?

This may be about saying “no” and not feeling guilty about it.

Scripture tells us that Charity begins at home.

Ever paid attention to those pre-flight instructions that the flight crew gives before takeoff on an airplane?
One of the points they make is that, if there is an emergency, and the oxygen masks drop down… put yours on FIRST, not because you’re selfish, but because if you don’t, you will be compromised, and if you are overwhelmed you won’t be able to help others.

You should not normally need to make excuses… and people seldom believe them anyway.

The more you tell the truth, the sweet truth, the less you will have to remember, and the less complex and more guilt free your life will be.

One way to say no I use often is:
“Thanks for thinking of me, however I’m not able to right now.”
-or-
Sorry, I have something else going on, I wish I were able to help.

You can acknowledge their request and still politely decline.

If this doesn’t satisfy someone and they demand more, then most likely nothing you tell them will satisfy them because they don’t give a hoot about your feelings or situation.

 

[Big Moose]

Relationships are challenging, (thanks bobinfaith for the below quote )



I am not always a people person, and i become withdrawn at times to process stuff. And i dont go out of my way to help people unless they ask first...unless its my duty to do so, because either i fear being taken advantage of and wont know how to say no with out lying, or they are quite capable of doing it their self and would end up smoothered, and depending on me for everything . But this generally only happens to people i can sense are taking advantage. Not generally to christians.

In the past, i have been put on, and felt resentment later. But now i have grown wise to this, but i still feel in limbo, so to speak, that when someone wants something that i dont feel up to doing for one reason or another, i still find i give excuses or, dig my heels in. Sometimes the help i can or do give does not match up to their expectations of what they desire or need, because i am not enthusiastic in the first place. Perhaps because i dont think they need any help at all, or that its not really my responsibility. I would hate to become that friend who does everything for others and get burnt out. Yes, its about boundaries. Being honest. But i have also seen other people resent this and it backfires, when you dont give them an 'excuse'. This is particylarly prevailant at work, where people also want an easy life.

Should we as christians, be giving excuses (or telling little white lies)to just have an easier life?

I don't think you have to tell little white lies.
Here are some responses:
"Sorry, I have to keep my brain on the tasks I already have."
"Sorry, I can't right now. I need the energy I have left to do the things on my list."

And if it is someone who is just trying to get out of doing their own work,
"You know what? I believe you can do this on your own! This will build some character and advance your work ethic." Then pat them on the back.

 

[Musicmaster]

Most of the beggars I see on the streets are men, many of whom are young and fully capable of getting a job. Some of them are right next to a restaurant with a huge NOW HIRING banner facing the beggar on the street corner, and his indifference to that banner encourages my indifference to his out-stretched hand. The word of God says that those not willing to work, they will not eat.

The level of destitution is what I look at. There are many cues we can pick up on as to if the beggar is genuinely in need, or is just too lazy, wanting a bunch of tax-free income!

Something else I have noticed is that the majority of the beggars are pretty smart! The majority of them work intersections where the traffic lights are poorly programmed, staying green for directional travel that has little to no traffic...just sitting there green because of the programmed timing, holding the other directional traffic in limbo until the timers shift the lighting in their favor.

There may be websites out there providing information as to the best intersections to work so that beggars don't waste their time at places where they don't have enough time to walk the line of cars, looking so sad... Then there's those guys who never served a day in their lives in the military, touting signs claiming to be veterans. Some are genuine, some are not.

All this to point at one prime point...the Lord, as our Lord, is the One who sees every heart, and our prayer life needs to be bathed in requests for the Lord to soften our hearts, and to open our ears to His Spirit, that we may hear from Him whom He would have us to give, and whom to avoid. This is so basic, and yet so overlooked, so easily. Why? Well, because of all our having been raised in cultures that value self-reliance, and self-sufficiency as values worthy of humanity.

We need more interdependence, and thus being knit together as a unified, loving culture. Self-sufficiency fosters pride, where interdependence cultivates humility and love.

Listen to the Spirit, and you will have the Ultimate Guide for your giving.

And for the occasional, "Yeah, but...." Keep in mind that what we sit on isn't big enough to cause doubts about the Creator's abilities.

MM

 

[Tery]

Most of the beggars I see on the streets are men, many of whom are young and fully capable of getting a job. Some of them are right next to a restaurant with a huge NOW HIRING banner facing the beggar on the street corner, and his indifference to that banner encourages my indifference to his out-stretched hand. The word of God says that those not willing to work, they will not eat.

If there's one thing I know too well, it's not to judge a book by it's cover. We don't know the hearts of men, nor can we judge without fully understanding their situation.

 

[Musicmaster]

If there's one thing I know too well, it's not to judge a book by it's cover. We don't know the hearts of men, nor can we judge without fully understanding their situation.

That cliche' is true, in that we should not judge only by appearances, but we should judge righteous judgment, as the Lord Himself commanded. Therein is why I encouraged seeking the Lord for guidance in order to avoid appearances only.

MM

 

[bobinfaith]

If there's one thing I know too well, it's not to judge a book by it's cover. We don't know the hearts of men, nor can we judge without fully understanding their situation.

That cliche' is true, in that we should not judge only by appearances, but we should judge righteous judgment, as the Lord Himself commanded. Therein is why I encouraged seeking the Lord for guidance in order to avoid appearances only.

MM

Hello Tery;

Here's what happened when my wife and I didn't judge a book by it's cover. We attended a play at a theater in San Francisco. Everyone was dressed in their best. A homeless woman and her baby in a carriage was crying in the front of the theater as the people walked by her. My wife and I had compassion so we gave her some cash.

After the show we walked to a coffee and cake shop. We saw the lady walking out of the liquor store holding a toy doll in her hand, supposedly the little child in the carriage and a bottle of alcohol in the other. I was ready to confront her but my wife asked to me to "let it go, the Lord saw our hearts."

As Musicmaster shared, we need to judge righteously (with wisdom and discernment.) and the same thing goes for When Others Want More Than You Have To Give.

I have experienced the yes and no approach works, Biblically. How much I can give or not give, if it's not enough for the other is on them. I'm sorry, with Christ in the center I cannot base my decision how the other will receive or reject me.

God bless everyone and your families.

 

[Musicmaster]

Good point, Bob. In the biblical texts, it was "alms" that were given to the poor, not silver or gold coins. It was about meeting their immediate needs. It's sad that the "bad apples" out there ruin it for those who are truly in need because they are unable to do for themselves.

Therein is why I most generally give no money, which might potentially make me an enabler for their bad and sinful habits...and therefore an enabler for sin! No thanks. Money is a pathway to all kinds of sin, but a bag of food, and tank of gas, those are not quite a potentially malignant.

Thank you, Bob, and blessings to all.

MM

 

[TransformedinChrist]

I agree with both. However my daughters and I never give cash. We usually ask if they want a drink, sandwich or maybe a pair of socks or gloves etc. It gives us an opportunity to witness to them the gospel of Christ, ask their name and to pray for them. If it's all it's going to cost me is $5 dollars and an opportunity to truly minister and pray. In the end - the Holy Spirit will do the work.

 

[blueskies]

We usually ask if they want a drink, sandwich or maybe a pair of socks or gloves etc. It gives us an opportunity to witness to them the gospel of Christ, ask their name and to pray for them. If it's all it's going to cost me is $5 dollars and an opportunity to truly minister and pray. In the end - the Holy Spirit will do the work.

This is pretty much what we do.

In addition to the admonition to not judge a book by its cover, we could add, “…there but for the Grace of God go I.”

Perhaps it’s better to give to 2 who may not deserve it, than to miss the one that God sends your way.

Compassion in action is not a weakness, or a failure of discernment, it is our Lord Jesus Christ in action.

 

[TransformedinChrist]

Amen

 

[Major]

Relationships are challenging, (thanks bobinfaith for the below quote )



I am not always a people person, and i become withdrawn at times to process stuff. And i dont go out of my way to help people unless they ask first...unless its my duty to do so, because either i fear being taken advantage of and wont know how to say no with out lying, or they are quite capable of doing it their self and would end up smoothered, and depending on me for everything . But this generally only happens to people i can sense are taking advantage. Not generally to christians.

In the past, i have been put on, and felt resentment later. But now i have grown wise to this, but i still feel in limbo, so to speak, that when someone wants something that i dont feel up to doing for one reason or another, i still find i give excuses or, dig my heels in. Sometimes the help i can or do give does not match up to their expectations of what they desire or need, because i am not enthusiastic in the first place. Perhaps because i dont think they need any help at all, or that its not really my responsibility. I would hate to become that friend who does everything for others and get burnt out. Yes, its about boundaries. Being honest. But i have also seen other people resent this and it backfires, when you dont give them an 'excuse'. This is particylarly prevailant at work, where people also want an easy life.

Should we as christians, be giving excuses (or telling little white lies)to just have an easier life?

Well, I will say to you that the belief that a white lie is “helpful” is rooted in the idea that the end justifies the means. If the lie results in a perceived “good,” then the lie was justified. However, God’s condemnation of lying in Proverbs 6:16–19 contains no exception clause.

Also, who defines the “good” that results from the lie?
A salesman telling white lies may sell his product—a “good” thing for him—but what about the customer who was taken advantage of?

Telling a white lie to be “tactful” or to spare someone’s feelings is also a foolish thing to do. A person who consistently lies to make people feel good will eventually be seen for what he is: a liar. Those who traffic in white lies will damage their credibility.

Also, think about the fact that White lies have a way of propagating themselves. Telling more lies to cover up the original lie is standard procedure, and the lies get progressively less “white.” Trying to remember what lies were told to what person also complicates relationships and makes further lying even more likely.

 

[Major]

Most of the beggars I see on the streets are men, many of whom are young and fully capable of getting a job. Some of them are right next to a restaurant with a huge NOW HIRING banner facing the beggar on the street corner, and his indifference to that banner encourages my indifference to his out-stretched hand. The word of God says that those not willing to work, they will not eat.

The level of destitution is what I look at. There are many cues we can pick up on as to if the beggar is genuinely in need, or is just too lazy, wanting a bunch of tax-free income!

Something else I have noticed is that the majority of the beggars are pretty smart! The majority of them work intersections where the traffic lights are poorly programmed, staying green for directional travel that has little to no traffic...just sitting there green because of the programmed timing, holding the other directional traffic in limbo until the timers shift the lighting in their favor.

There may be websites out there providing information as to the best intersections to work so that beggars don't waste their time at places where they don't have enough time to walk the line of cars, looking so sad... Then there's those guys who never served a day in their lives in the military, touting signs claiming to be veterans. Some are genuine, some are not.

All this to point at one prime point...the Lord, as our Lord, is the One who sees every heart, and our prayer life needs to be bathed in requests for the Lord to soften our hearts, and to open our ears to His Spirit, that we may hear from Him whom He would have us to give, and whom to avoid. This is so basic, and yet so overlooked, so easily. Why? Well, because of all our having been raised in cultures that value self-reliance, and self-sufficiency as values worthy of humanity.

We need more interdependence, and thus being knit together as a unified, loving culture. Self-sufficiency fosters pride, where interdependence cultivates humility and love.

Listen to the Spirit, and you will have the Ultimate Guide for your giving.

And for the occasional, "Yeah, but...." Keep in mind that what we sit on isn't big enough to cause doubts about the Creator's abilities.

MM

That is my experience as well. I have NO problem helping those who need help, but the problem i knowing who is real!

I would say that 90% of those begging for money can work but do not want to work. They can sit on the corner, collect 50 or 60 dollars a day and liv in a tent and be happy!

 

[Major]

Hello Tery;

Here's what happened when my wife and I didn't judge a book by it's cover. We attended a play at a theater in San Francisco. Everyone was dressed in their best. A homeless woman and her baby in a carriage was crying in the front of the theater as the people walked by her. My wife and I had compassion so we gave her some cash.

After the show we walked to a coffee and cake shop. We saw the lady walking out of the liquor store holding a toy doll in her hand, supposedly the little child in the carriage and a bottle of alcohol in the other. I was ready to confront her but my wife asked to me to "let it go, the Lord saw our hearts."

As Musicmaster shared, we need to judge righteously (with wisdom and discernment.) and the same thing goes for When Others Want More Than You Have To Give.

I have experienced the yes and no approach works, Biblically. How much I can give or not give, if it's not enough for the other is on them. I'm sorry, with Christ in the center I cannot base my decision how the other will receive or reject me.

God bless everyone and your families.

LOL. Right here in town, on a busy intersection is a lady with 3 children. They all look haggard and hungry. I told my barber because they sit in front of his shop and asked him to help them out. He rolled over laughing and told me that he RENTS those kids from another woman for $25 a day.

 

[LearningToLetGo]

Yes, its about boundaries.

True. For some, boundaries are exceedingly difficult to enforce.

Should we as christians, be giving excuses (or telling little white lies)to just have an easier life?

The white lies will kill you. It's OK to say no but don't sugar coat it with white lies.

 

[rtm3039]

LOL. Right here in town, on a busy intersection is a lady with 3 children. They all look haggard and hungry. I told my barber because they sit in front of his shop and asked him to help them out. He rolled over laughing and told me that he RENTS those kids from another woman for $25 a day.

My concern is always that I wrongfully judge someone as trying to take advantage and do nothing. There are times when I see someone that is both young and looks emotionally healthy, those are the ones that I have an issue with, but you really can't tell.

 

[Tery]

My concern is always that I wrongfully judge someone as trying to take advantage and do nothing. There are times when I see someone that is both young and looks emotionally healthy, those are the ones that I have an issue with, but you really can't tell.

Therein lies my concern with judging too quickly. I am, relatively young, and I look healthy, but there are underlying issues that you couldn't guess at by just looking at me.

 

[Tery]

Hello Tery;

Here's what happened when my wife and I didn't judge a book by it's cover. We attended a play at a theater in San Francisco. Everyone was dressed in their best. A homeless woman and her baby in a carriage was crying in the front of the theater as the people walked by her. My wife and I had compassion so we gave her some cash.

After the show we walked to a coffee and cake shop. We saw the lady walking out of the liquor store holding a toy doll in her hand, supposedly the little child in the carriage and a bottle of alcohol in the other. I was ready to confront her but my wife asked to me to "let it go, the Lord saw our hearts."

As Musicmaster shared, we need to judge righteously (with wisdom and discernment.) and the same thing goes for When Others Want More Than You Have To Give.

I have experienced the yes and no approach works, Biblically. How much I can give or not give, if it's not enough for the other is on them. I'm sorry, with Christ in the center I cannot base my decision how the other will receive or reject me.

God bless everyone and your families.

In terms of action or inaction, and/or what we are able to give or not give, is a different matter. What I'm mostly concerned with, is what we think and feel in our hearts about another person. We can't judge a person in our hearts and decree them lazy, without knowing their situation. Nor can we decide that the person in question has not tried to obtain gainful employment from the take-away that they are sitting in front of, off of our own.

I could never assume physical ability/inability of another person, as I know how easy it is to be mistaken. I also know how it feels to be judged 'lazy' by others when they were unaware of my underlying condition. In the case of the lady with the child and the alcohol, indeed, that changes the situation and I would feel compelled to act.

 

[Tery]

Good point, Bob. In the biblical texts, it was "alms" that were given to the poor, not silver or gold coins. It was about meeting their immediate needs. It's sad that the "bad apples" out there ruin it for those who are truly in need because they are unable to do for themselves.

Therein is why I most generally give no money, which might potentially make me an enabler for their bad and sinful habits...and therefore an enabler for sin! No thanks. Money is a pathway to all kinds of sin, but a bag of food, and tank of gas, those are not quite a potentially malignant.

Thank you, Bob, and blessings to all.

MM

Indeed, that is why I prefer to give to organizations, through our church. They are better equipped to help those in need and helping them become more self-sufficient, whereas giving to the person on the street may very well be perpetuating their sin as bobinfaith illustrated.
We have similar issues with children being rented out to beggars as Major mentioned and it's illegal to give money to minors here.
Being unwilling to work and being unable to find work, is indiscernible from the outside, at least here, as there are discriminary processes at work here.