Dusty's Jokes
- Thread starter Dusty
- Start date
[SIZE=+1]"You know, dad" [/SIZE]
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the family car.
His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it."
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get a hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"
His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it."
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get a hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"
[SIZE=+1]"You can take it with you" [/SIZE]
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So the rich man began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry Rich Man, but you can't take your wealth with you."
The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.
The angel reappears and informs the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suit-case with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!" But, the man explains to Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord.
Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims...
"You brought pavement?!?"
[SIZE=+1]"The last straw" [/SIZE]
A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Mercedes in the garage, no more country club, and we'll have to sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller homes. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
"Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
She replies, "Ours is prettier."
A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Mercedes in the garage, no more country club, and we'll have to sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller homes. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
"Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
She replies, "Ours is prettier."
"You brought pavement?!?"
He he .
[SIZE=+1]"Ducks in Heaven" [/SIZE]
Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven. Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule:
Don't hit the ducks.
The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks "The ducks?"
"Yes", St. Peter replies, "There are millions of ducks walking around the course and if one gets hit, he squawks then the one next to him squawks and soon they're all squawkin to beat the band, and it really breaks the tranquility. If you hit the ducks, you'll be punished, otherwise everything is yours to enjoy."
After entering the course, the men noted that there was indeed a gaggle of ducks everywhere. Within 15 minutes, one of the guys hit one of them. The duck squawked, the one next to it squawked and soon there was a deafening roar of duck quacks.
St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asked "Who hit the duck?"
The one who had done it admitted "I did."
Immediately, St. Peter pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks," he said.
"Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity.
The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman than before. St. Peter determined which one had hit the duck by the fear in his face, and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand.
"I told you not to hit the ducks", he said. "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity."
The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn't even move for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months of this he still hadn't hit a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months and had with him a knock-out gorgeous woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled to the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.
The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a sigh and said "What have I done to deserve this?"
The woman responded "I don't know about you, but I hit a duck."
As a young minister in Kentucky, I was asked by a
funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be buried there.
>
>
I was not familiar with the backwoods area, and I soon
became lost. Being a typical man, I did not stop to ask for directions. I finally arrived an hour late.
>
I saw the backhoe and the open grave, but the hearse
was nowhere in sight. The digging crew was eating lunch. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and I stepped to the side of the open grave. There I
saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, as I told them that this was the proper thing to do.
>
The workers gathered around the grave and stood
silently, as I began to pour out my heart and soul. As I
preached about 'looking forward to a brighter tomorrow' and 'the glory that is to come,' the workers began to say 'Amen,' 'Praise the Lord,' and 'Glory!' The fervor of these men truly inspired me. So, I preached and I preached like I had never preached before, all the way from Genesis to Revelations.
>
I finally closed the lengthy service with a prayer, thanked the men, and walked to my car As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I heard one of the workers say to another, 'I ain't NEVER seen nothin' like that before, and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for thirty years!'
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13' !
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the fence and looked through to see what was going on.
Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started shouting '14....14....14' !
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the fence and looked through to see what was going on.
Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started shouting '14....14....14' !
Tea time
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge
>of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just
>recovered from an accident. Someone had given me a
>little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favourite
toys.
>
>Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening
>news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea',
>which was just water. After several cups of tea and
>lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
>
>My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me
>bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the
>cutest thing!'
>
>My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down
>the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watched
>him drink it up.
>
>Then she said, (as only a mother would know...
>'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she
>can reach to get water is the toilet?'
>
>
>of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just
>recovered from an accident. Someone had given me a
>little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favourite
toys.
>
>Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening
>news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea',
>which was just water. After several cups of tea and
>lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
>
>My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me
>bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the
>cutest thing!'
>
>My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down
>the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watched
>him drink it up.
>
>Then she said, (as only a mother would know...
>'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she
>can reach to get water is the toilet?'
>
>
M
Mark_18
Guest
Dusty I feel like I'm being a bully. XD
um,the last two were repeats right? o_O
Whosoever may torment you,
harass you, confound you, or upset you,
is a teacher.
Not because they're wise,but because you seek to become so.
harass you, confound you, or upset you,
is a teacher.
Not because they're wise,but because you seek to become so.
Right ..... You guys are on your toes again. The old gal has to be more careful ..... Ha ha .... LOL.
Thanks goodnes I have the joke police . Do I have another chance..... Ha ha. ?
Please please ..... I'll try to be good ?
This is not me It is just a joke
Most of us have a bad habit we are constantly trying to break. For me, it’s biting my fingernails. One day I told my husband about my latest solution: press-on nails.
"Great idea, Honey," he smiled. "You can eat them straight out of the box."
[SIZE=+1]"Bad habit" [/SIZE]
Most of us have a bad habit we are constantly trying to break. For me, it’s biting my fingernails. One day I told my husband about my latest solution: press-on nails.
"Great idea, Honey," he smiled. "You can eat them straight out of the box."
