Dusty's Jokes

[SIZE=+1]"I know something" [/SIZE]

I figured that at age seven it was inevitable for my son to begin having doubts about Santa Claus. Sure enough, one day he said, "Mom, I know something about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy."
Taking a deep breath, I asked him, "What is that?"
He replied, "They're all nocturnal."
 
Blonde Joke

[FONT=times new roman, new york, times, serif][FONT=times new roman, new york, times, serif]
[FONT=times new roman, new york, times, serif]A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman,[/FONT]

[FONT=times new roman, new york, times, serif]"I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."[/FONT]

[FONT=times new roman, new york, times, serif]The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains.[/FONT]
[FONT=times new roman, new york, times, serif]He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing. [/FONT]
[FONT=times new roman, new york, times, serif]Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. [/FONT]

[FONT=times new roman, new york, times, serif]The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.[/FONT]
[FONT=times new roman, new york, times, serif]The blonde promptly replies, "Fifteen inches."[/FONT]
[FONT=times new roman, new york, times, serif]"Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman.[/FONT]
[FONT=times new roman, new york, times, serif]"That sounds very small - what room are they for?"[/FONT]

[FONT=times new roman, new york, times, serif]The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, [/FONT]
[FONT=times new roman, new york, times, serif]they are for her computer monitor.[/FONT]

[FONT=times new roman, new york, times, serif]The surprised salesman replies, "But Miss, computers do not need curtains!"[/FONT]

[FONT=times new roman, new york, times, serif]The blonde says, "Hellllooooooooo. I've got Windows.[/FONT]



[/FONT]
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A blonde buy a new air conditioning system for her house. Three months later she gets a call from the sales company wondering why she wasn't making her payments. She immediately got flustered and replied " you can't fool me, that salesman told me this thing would pay for itself in no time"!:D
 
Some friends of by buddy, LeRoy, were visitin' over at his place a couple weeks ago. We figgured it might be a right good idea ta take these here folks on a nature hike in the woods cause the leaves was changin' color and all. We got about a half mile into the woods when I stopped and said, "Aw, look at that poor little dead bird..."

I turned around and this blond lady was lookin' up into the sky.
 
[SIZE=+1]I've got to be dead" [/SIZE]

An elderly couple are both lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand & she responds, "Don't touch me."
"Why not," he asks. She answers back, "Because I'm dead."
The husband says to her, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together & talking to one another."
The wife says, "No, I'm definitely dead."
Her husband insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"
His wife answers, "I know I'm dead because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts!"
 
[SIZE=+1]"Jack's will" [/SIZE]

Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads Jack's last will and testament:
"To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and one million dollars. To my son Barry, I leave my big Lexus and the Jaguar. To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000. And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my sun lamp."
 
[SIZE=+1]"Kiss goodbye" [/SIZE]

"Dad," a teenaged girl says, running into her father's den, "I'd like to kiss you good-bye before I go to school!"
"You're too late, honey. Your mother just did that two minutes ago, and I don't have any cash left on me."
 
[SIZE=+1]Literature class" [/SIZE]

On his first day of classes at a university, a student took a front row seat in a literature course.
The professor told them they would be responsible for reading five books, and that he would provide them with a list of authors from which they could choose.
Then the professor ambled over to the lecture took out his class notes and began ... "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook ... "
The student was working feverishly to get down all the names, when he felt a tap on his shoulder.
The student in back of him whispered, "He's taking attendance."
 
Dusty said:
[SIZE=+1]"Kiss goodbye" [/SIZE]

"Dad," a teenaged girl says, running into her father's den, "I'd like to kiss you good-bye before I go to school!"
"You're too late, honey. Your mother just did that two minutes ago, and I don't have any cash left on me."
Click to expand...



Aaah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love it!
That IS what my kids do.
They give a hug and we ask, "How much?"
​
 
[SIZE=+1]"Legal eyesight" [/SIZE]

The old man was a witness in a burglary trial.
The defense lawyer asks Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"
"Yes," said Sam , "I saw him plainly take the goods."
The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"
"Yes" says Sam, "I saw him do it."
Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your eyesight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?"
Sam says, "I can see the moon, how far is that?"
 
The outgoing message

The outgoing message:

'Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

* To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
* To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2
* To complain about what we do - Press 3
* To swear at staff members - Press 4
* To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
* If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone -Press 7
* To request another teacher, for the third time this year -Press 8
* To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
* To complain about school lunches - Press 0
* If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!

*IF you want this in Spanish, you ARE in the wrong country.'

 
[SIZE=+1]"Less calories" [/SIZE]

A husband took his young daughter to the grocery store with him. In addition to the healthful items on the carefully prepared shopping list, they returned with a box of sugar-laden cookies.
The man noticed the glare of his wife and said, "This box of cookies has one-third fewer calories than usual."
"Why is that?" the mother asked.
"We ate a third of the cookies on the way home," he replied.
 
Woo Hoo!!!!
Like the chocolate covered raisins we bought yesterday!
The jug was half empty when we brought it into the house!
​
 
Dusty said:
[SIZE=+1]"Legal eyesight" [/SIZE]

The old man was a witness in a burglary trial.
The defense lawyer asks Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"
"Yes," said Sam , "I saw him plainly take the goods."
The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"
"Yes" says Sam, "I saw him do it."
Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your eyesight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?"
Sam says, "I can see the moon, how far is that?"
Click to expand...

Ooh, I like that!!! :D
​
 
[SIZE=+1]"Learning colours" [/SIZE]

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colours yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what colour it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door and said, "Grandpa, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
 
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