Dusty's Jokes

Boanerges said:
Multiple injuries on a severly understaffed job hit this wild man hard. Place them on top of other injuries sustained when I was young and stupid ( as opposed to me being older and stupid now:D) have made it difficult for me to function.
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Dear brother Larry... I am so sorry to hear that and you always are so upbeat and possitive. God bless you . You are such a blessing to me. I would love to meet all the wonderful people on this forum. Wouldn't it be great ?
 
Great but not practical for me right now. Traveling is painful and the budget is tight. Thnbaks for loving and caring sis!
 
[SIZE=+1]"Card name" [/SIZE]

Those of us who worked at the front desk of a convention hotel in Williamsburg, Va., prided ourselves on making the guests feel special. When someone arrived at reception, credit card in hand, we would sneak a peek at it and address him by name.
Once during a particularly busy check-in, one of our guests presented a corporate credit card. "Welcome to Williamsburg, Mr. Bell," the desk clerk said.
"Oh, please," the man replied, "call me Taco."
 
[SIZE=+1]"Speeding registration" [/SIZE]

On a long drive from Virginia, I thought I was traveling at a reasonable speed, but the flashing blue lights in my rear- view mirror made me realize that I'd been over the limit. I handed the officer my license and made small talk while my wife dug through the glove compartment for the registration.
"I'm usually very careful about my speed," I told him as my wife handed me the paperwork.
The officer studied it and then gave it back. "Sir," he said gruffly, "this is not your registration."
It was a warning ticket I had received for speeding in Florida.
 
[FONT=times new roman, new york, times, serif][FONT=times new roman, new york, times, serif][FONT=times new roman, new york, times, serif]A restaurant owner convinced that his bouncer was the strongest man around .
Hand the bouncer a lemon and he would squeeze it dry.
"I'll give $1,000 to anyone who can squeeze out one more drop of juice.
There were numerous attempts, but nobody could do it.
One day, a scrawny little man came in and asked to try.
The bouncer grabbed a lemon and crushed it with his bare hand before handing
the rind to his competitor.
The scrawny man clenched his fist around the lemon and 20 drops fell into the glass.
"How'd you do that?" the owner asked the winner, counting out the money.
"I work for the IRS!"

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Pilot vs Priest

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this cool guy,

"Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm John, retired American Airlines pilot from Dallas ."
Saint Peter consults his list.

He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom" The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out,
"I am Father Joe, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43 years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest,
"Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the good father, "that man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe
and golden staff, and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?"

"Up here ... we go by results," says Saint Peter.
"When you preached, people slept; when he flew, people prayed."
 
[SIZE=+1]Tie my shoes" [/SIZE]

There is an old story about a mother who walks in on her six-year-old son and finds him sobbing. "What's the matter?" she asks.
"I've just figured out how to tie my shoes."
"Well, honey, that's wonderful." Being a wise mother, she recognizes his victory in the Eriksonian struggle of autonomy versus doubt: "You're growing up, but why are you crying?"
"Because," he says, "now I'll have to do it every day for the rest of my life."
 
Dusty said:
[FONT=times new roman, new york, times, serif][FONT=times new roman, new york, times, serif][FONT=times new roman, new york, times, serif]A restaurant owner convinced that his bouncer was the strongest man around .
Hand the bouncer a lemon and he would squeeze it dry.
"I'll give $1,000 to anyone who can squeeze out one more drop of juice.
There were numerous attempts, but nobody could do it.
One day, a scrawny little man came in and asked to try.
The bouncer grabbed a lemon and crushed it with his bare hand before handing
the rind to his competitor.
The scrawny man clenched his fist around the lemon and 20 drops fell into the glass.
"How'd you do that?" the owner asked the winner, counting out the money.
"I work for the IRS!"

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That was awesome!:D
 
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."



Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
 
Heh Dusty what is that on your avatar? I cannot quite make it out. I am glad to see that you have worked out the kinks in changing them!
 
Not quite as I still don't know how to get them from other places. That one was on my computer . My son is in an animation degree program and send me his work from time to time , but that one does not show up to well.

Character-Rough.jpg
 
Find a pic you want and right click then choose save picture as, this will open a box that will allow you to say where you want the picture (at the top_ to go and you can either leave the file name the same or rename it something else (at the bottom of the box).
 
Thanks.... He hopes when he finishes this year with his bachlor of arts degree that he can work for Disney.
 
  • What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner?
    The tur-KEY.
  • Why do turkeys go "gobble, gobble"?
    Because they haven't learned good table manners.
  • What do turkeys like to eat on Thanksgiving?
    Nothing, they're already stuffed.
  • Why did the turkey eat his meal so quickly?
    Because he was a gobbler.
  • How do you make a turkey float?Get two scoops of ice cream,
    add some rootbeer and a turkey.
  • What do you get when you cross a turkey
    with an octopus?
    Lots of drumsticks for Thanksgiving dinner
​

Why did the turkey join a band?​

​

He had the drumsticks.
​
 
What do turkeys like to do on sunny days?

turk1.gif

They like to go on a peck-nic.
turkey4.gif

Why was the turkey sent to the principal's office ?

turk1.gif

He used "fowl" language !
turkey4.gif

What did the little turkey say to the big turkey ?

turk1.gif

"Peck" on someone your own size !
turkey4.gif

What do you call a crazy turkey ?

turk1.gif

A "cuckoo" bird !
turkey4.gif

What do turkeys use to clean themselves ?

turk1.gif

They use "feather dusters" !
turkey4.gif

Why did the turkey cross the road ?

turk1.gif

It was the chicken's day off !
turkey4.gif

Want to hear another one ???
turk1.gif

Stop ! That's enough groaners !
 
[SIZE=+1]Thin walls" [/SIZE]

As a young married couple, a husband and a wife lived in a cheap housing complex near the military base where he was working.
Their chief complaint was that the walls were paper-thin and that they had no privacy. This was painfully obvious when one morning the husband was upstairs and the wife was downstairs on the telephone. She was interrupted by the doorbell and went to greet her neighbour.
"Give this to your husband," he said, thrusting a roll of toilet paper into her hands. "He's been yelling for it for 15 minutes!"
 
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