Dusty's Jokes

[Pastor Gary]

Dusty - The lyrics were written in 1772 by John Newton while on a sabatical near his home in Kineton, Warwickshire, England. There are several tunes that have historically been used with the lyrics, but the most revered is the traditional bagpipe tune that most of us are familiar with today.

I lost a colleague in the south tower during the terrorist attack in New York on September 11, 2001, and I will never forget the honor guard and the lone bagpipe playing that haunting melody at his funeral...

"Amazing Grace"

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
That sav’d a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.
’Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
And grace my fears reliev’d;
How precious did that grace appear,
The hour I first believ’d!
Thro’ many dangers, toils and snares,
I have already come;
’Tis grace has brought me safe thus far,
And grace will lead me home.
The Lord has promis’d good to me,
His word my hope secures;
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.
Yes, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease;
I shall possess, within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.
The earth shall soon dissolve like snow,
The sun forbear to shine;
But God, who call’d me here below,
Will be forever mine.

:sad02: :crying_anim: :sad:


BUT - this is supposed to be a humor thread, so let's not dwell on sadness...

Hey, did you hear the one about the..................

 

[Dusty]

Thanks Pastor Gary..... John Newton, yes that's his name .... Boy ,the memory isn't too good. Anyways I will look for another joke.

 

[Dusty]

[SIZE=+1]"Laws of Parenting " [/SIZE]

1. The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.
2. For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.
3. Toys multiply to fill any space available.
4. The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.
5. Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave.
6. If the shoe fits...it's expensive.
7. The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.
8. The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.
9. Backing the car out fo the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.
10. The more challenging the child, the more rewarding it is to be a parent...sometimes.

 

[Dusty]

A teacher asked her S.S. class to draw pictures of their favourite Bible stories.
She was puzzled by one of the child's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
" The flight to Egypt, " HE RESPONDED.
" I see And that must be Mary, Joseph and the Baby Jesus' the teacher replied. " But who's the fourth person ?"

" Oh that's Pontius---- the Pilot "

 

[Dusty]

Christmas quiz.

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ?
It's Christmas , Eve !


What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Icebergers !


What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas eve?
Black Mail !

What did the guests sing at the Eskimo Christmas party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow !

 

[Dusty]

A woman went to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas Cards. " What denomination ? " asked the clerk.
" Oh good heavens ! Have we come to this ?" said the woman.

"Well give me 30 Catholic, 10 Baptist, 20 Lutheran and 40 Presbyterian "

 

[Boanerges(Inactive)]

A woman went to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas Cards. " What denomination ? " asked the clerk.
" Oh good heavens ! Have we come to this ?" said the woman.

"Well give me 30 Catholic, 10 Baptist, 20 Lutheran and 40 Presbyterian "

Dusty you are a roll!

 

[Dusty]

Three wise women

ou do know what would have happened if it had been three wise WOMEN instead of men, don't you? They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought disposable diapers as gifts!

 

[Dusty]

Christmas in Los Angeles is always interesting. Seeing carolers dressed in Bermuda shorts...groping their way through the smog singing: "It came upon a midnight clear."



Did you hear about the Beverly Hills school Christmas pageant? Two kids dressed as Mary and Joseph and they are on their way to the inn in Bethlehem. On the other side of the stage, a boy in a shepherd's outfit is on a mobile/ cellular phone, calling for reservations.

 

[Dusty]

[SIZE=+1]"Diary From Dog And Cat " [/SIZE]

EXCERPTS FROM THE DOG'S DAILY DIARY
8:00 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
11:30 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
12:00 noon - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 pm - Oh Boy! The yard! My favorite!
4:00 pm - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
5:00 pm - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5:30 pm - Oh Boy! Mom! My favorite!
6:00 pm - Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6:30 pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!


EXCERPTS FROM THE CAT'S DAILY DIARY:
Day 283 Of My Captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair; must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

 

[James B]

Two cows in a field, one says "moo" the other says "hey i was gonna say that!!"

 

[Boanerges(Inactive)]

And I thought I was the only one with corny jokes! It still made me smile, Thanks James!

 

[Dusty]

Hey James !!!!!

Thanks.

 

[Housesitter]

Three wise women

ou do know what would have happened if it had been three wise WOMEN instead of men, don't you? They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought disposable diapers as gifts!

Three WISE women???
Where would you find that????



Don't shoot me my wife will do it for you when she reads this!

 

[Dusty]

I thought it was good also. I have all kinds of people who send me those and also some sites that I go to , can;t remember where I got that one.

Hope your wife doesn't shoot you ..... He He . We need you here Ray.

 

[Dusty]

[FONT=arial,helvetica] The Perfect Woman [/FONT]

nce upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life was, of course "perfect."

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a SUV) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Who was the survivor?

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was an accident.

 

[Dusty]

[FONT=arial,helvetica] The Lost Purse[/FONT]
[FONT=arial,helvetica][/FONT]

lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."

The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."

 

[Dusty]

[FONT=arial,helvetica] The Hotel is Full [/FONT]

Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg many years ago was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort - one that did not admit Jews. The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The hotel is full."

The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies."

The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..."

Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeable and said, "I'll have you know I converted to your religion."

The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born?"

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem."

"Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger."

"That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a manger?"

Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"

 

[Dusty]

[SIZE=+1]"Environmentalist?" [/SIZE]

My friend Julie and I were eating at a Chinese restaurant. When an elderly waiter set chopsticks at our places, Julie made a point of reaching into her purse and pulling out her own pair. "As an environmentalist," she declared, "I do not approve of destroying bamboo forests for throwaway utensils."
The waiter inspected her chopsticks. "Very beautiful," he said politely. "Ivory.

 

[Dusty]

[FONT=arial,helvetica] The Christmas Flight [/FONT]

t was a few days before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back home. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. (Almost a scrooge) Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointer parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, "Even if we were married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."

"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."

"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."

"That's not why it's there."

"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"

"It's there so you can kiss your luggage good-bye."