They are delightful and great company.
Dusty's Jokes
- Thread starter Dusty
- Start date
They are delightful and great company.
[SIZE=+1]"Bad dog" [/SIZE]
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.
"It sure is," I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.
"It sure is," I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
[FONT=times new roman, new york, times, serif][FONT=times new roman, new york, times, serif][FONT=times new roman, new york, times, serif][FONT=times new roman, new york, times, serif][FONT=times new roman, new york, times, serif][FONT=times new roman, new york, times, serif][FONT=times new roman, new york, times, serif]
[FONT=times new roman, new york, times, serif]When you're prepared, spiritually, mentally, and physically, you have nothing to fear. [/FONT]
[FONT=times new roman, new york, times, serif]Can you sleep when the wind blows through your life? [/FONT]
[FONT=times new roman, new york, times, serif]The hired hand in the story was able to sleep because he had secured the farm against the storm.[/FONT]
[FONT=times new roman, new york, times, serif]We secure ourselves against the storms of life by grounding ourselves in the Word of God.[/FONT]
[FONT=times new roman, new york, times, serif]We don't need to understand, we just need to hold His hand to have peace in the middle of storms.[/FONT][/FONT][/FONT][/FONT][/FONT][/FONT][/FONT][/FONT][/quote]
This is just what I need to hear at this time. I am in the process of grounding myself in the Word of God. I don't need to understand, I just need to trust that He will hold my hand and give me peace about the things I don't understand - yet. Thanx, Bonnie
B
Boanerges(Inactive)
Guest
Amen x 10 Bonnie!
This is just what I need to hear at this time. I am in the process of grounding myself in the Word of God. I don't need to understand, I just need to trust that He will hold my hand and give me peace about the things I don't understand - yet. Thanx, Bonnie[/quote]
Amen Bonnie,
Thanks for that as you have also given me insight about things that I also am praying about in my life and as we all grow together in this new year ... let the peace of God that passes all understanding be our hope for the future cause we do have a hope and a future.in Him.
In our church this month that is exactly what our pastor is emphasizing being gounded in the Word. and Iam trusting the Lord for new things this year. I have to get out of my boat of comfort and launch into what He has for me.
You are a blessing my dear and continue to dig deeper.... seek Him and you will be satified.
[SIZE=+1]Aging gracefully" [/SIZE]
Mickey's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"
Looking over her carefully, Mickey replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.
"Hey, wait a minute!" Mickey interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."
Mickey's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"
Looking over her carefully, Mickey replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.
"Hey, wait a minute!" Mickey interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."
[SIZE=+1]"Amen, Preacher" [/SIZE]
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river!" The congregation nodded their approval. With even greater emphasis he added, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river, too!" The people clapped and were saying "Amen." And then finally, he concluded, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river!"
As he sat down, the song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: "Shall We Gather at the River."
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river!" The congregation nodded their approval. With even greater emphasis he added, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river, too!" The people clapped and were saying "Amen." And then finally, he concluded, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river!"
As he sat down, the song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: "Shall We Gather at the River."
[SIZE=+1]Modern art" [/SIZE]
A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye. "What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that?" He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child."
"Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"
A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye. "What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that?" He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child."
"Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"
B
Boanerges(Inactive)
Guest
A preacher was really belting it out and preaching at full tilt. Spying a man sleeping in the front row next to a deacon he shouted " deacon wake that man up"! To which the deacon relied " you wake him up, you put him to sleep"!
B
Boanerges(Inactive)
Guest
When you think you are having a bad day
> If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma!
>
> Next time you have a bad day at work, think of this guy. Rob is a
> commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He
> performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an
> e-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station
> 103.2 FM in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, which was sponsoring a "worst job
> experience" contest. Needless to say, she won.
>
> "Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last
> week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling
> down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you
> to make you realize it's not so bad after all. "Before I can tell
> you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few
> technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom
> of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This
> time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is
> this:
>
> We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000
> piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a
> delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through
> a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like
> a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no
> complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working,
> is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This
> floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a
> Jacuzzi.
>
> Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt
> started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made
> things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I
> realized what had happened. "The hot water machine had sucked up a
> jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any
> hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the
> crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I
> thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the
> crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over
> the communicator. "His instructions were unclear due to the fact
> that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing
> hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive.
>
> I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression
stops
> totaling
> thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my
> chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was
> wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water,
> the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me
> a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got
> in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for
> two days because my butt was swollen shut. So, next time you're
> having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if
> you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. "Now repeat to yourself,
> "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job." And whenever you
> have a bad day, ask yourself: is this a "jellyfish bad day?"
> If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma!
>
> Next time you have a bad day at work, think of this guy. Rob is a
> commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He
> performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an
> e-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station
> 103.2 FM in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, which was sponsoring a "worst job
> experience" contest. Needless to say, she won.
>
> "Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last
> week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling
> down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you
> to make you realize it's not so bad after all. "Before I can tell
> you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few
> technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom
> of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This
> time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is
> this:
>
> We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000
> piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a
> delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through
> a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like
> a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no
> complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working,
> is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This
> floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a
> Jacuzzi.
>
> Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt
> started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made
> things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I
> realized what had happened. "The hot water machine had sucked up a
> jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any
> hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the
> crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I
> thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the
> crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over
> the communicator. "His instructions were unclear due to the fact
> that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing
> hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive.
>
> I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression
stops
> totaling
> thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my
> chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was
> wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water,
> the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me
> a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got
> in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for
> two days because my butt was swollen shut. So, next time you're
> having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if
> you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. "Now repeat to yourself,
> "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job." And whenever you
> have a bad day, ask yourself: is this a "jellyfish bad day?"
B
Boanerges(Inactive)
Guest
Not for at least 2 days!
[SIZE=+1]"At the pharmacy" [/SIZE]
While waiting for a prescription to be filled, I heard an explosion from behind the divider, followed by an outpouring of dense black smoke.
The Pharmacist emerged several minutes later, his white uniform scorched black. He glared at the woman waiting next to me and said, "Would you ask your doctor to write your prescription again, and this time -- PRINT IT!"
While waiting for a prescription to be filled, I heard an explosion from behind the divider, followed by an outpouring of dense black smoke.
The Pharmacist emerged several minutes later, his white uniform scorched black. He glared at the woman waiting next to me and said, "Would you ask your doctor to write your prescription again, and this time -- PRINT IT!"
...umm, I don't get it. (hey, it's Monday!)
Whirlwind .... don't you know how bad doctor's writing is ? So he probably mixed something cause that is what he read ( The Pharmasist ). I guess you have to be in the medical field to appreciate that one ... sorry
Whirlwind .... try this one.
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse, named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try
[SIZE=+1]"Pull, Buddy" [/SIZE]
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse, named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try
No, Dusty, they are not in vain. I have just DISCOVERED your thread and am enjoying it immensly as I sit and try to recover from my 2nd cold in 3 weeks.
You're cheering me up greatly.