Dusty's Jokes
- Thread starter Dusty
- Start date
[SIZE=+1]"Bad day" [/SIZE]
A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter in the sky. An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket. "How did you know I was speeding?" the frustrated driver asked.
The police officer pointed somberly towards the sky.
"You mean," asked the motorist, "that even He is against me?"
A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter in the sky. An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket. "How did you know I was speeding?" the frustrated driver asked.
The police officer pointed somberly towards the sky.
"You mean," asked the motorist, "that even He is against me?"
[SIZE=+1]Taming the wild" [/SIZE]
A violinist was convinced that he could use his musical talent to tame wild animals. So, violin in hand, he travelled to the heart of the African jungle to prove it.
No sooner had he begun to play than the jungle clearing was filled with animals of all kinds gathering to hear him play. Birds, lions, hippos, elephants - all stood around, entranced by his beautiful music.
Just then, a crocodile crept out of a nearby river and into the clearing, and - snap!- gobbled up the violinist. The other animals were extremely angry. "What on earth did you do that for?" they demanded.
"Eh?" said the crocodile, cupping its hand to its ear.
A violinist was convinced that he could use his musical talent to tame wild animals. So, violin in hand, he travelled to the heart of the African jungle to prove it.
No sooner had he begun to play than the jungle clearing was filled with animals of all kinds gathering to hear him play. Birds, lions, hippos, elephants - all stood around, entranced by his beautiful music.
Just then, a crocodile crept out of a nearby river and into the clearing, and - snap!- gobbled up the violinist. The other animals were extremely angry. "What on earth did you do that for?" they demanded.
"Eh?" said the crocodile, cupping its hand to its ear.
[SIZE=+1]Amen" [/SIZE]
A mother was teaching her three year old daughter The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother.
One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully said each word right up to the end...
"And lead us not into temptation", she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen."
A mother was teaching her three year old daughter The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother.
One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully said each word right up to the end...
"And lead us not into temptation", she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen."
A push
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
pounding on the door........ The man gets up and goes to the door where
a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning."
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks. "No. I did not. It is three o'clock in the
morning and it is pouring rain outside!!."
His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke
down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you
should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told (of course!), gets dressed and goes out into
the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still
there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the
husband.
"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
pounding on the door........ The man gets up and goes to the door where
a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning."
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks. "No. I did not. It is three o'clock in the
morning and it is pouring rain outside!!."
His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke
down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you
should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told (of course!), gets dressed and goes out into
the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still
there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the
husband.
"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.
MOMs
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. 'Why?' my daughter asked. 'Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs' I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, 'Momma, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart.' I was thinking quickly and said, 'All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mom Test. You have to know it,or they don't let you be a Mom.' We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. 'OH...I get it!' she beamed, 'So if you don't pass the test you have to be the dad. ' 'Exactly' I replied back with a big smile on my face.
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. 'Why?' my daughter asked. 'Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs' I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, 'Momma, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart.' I was thinking quickly and said, 'All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mom Test. You have to know it,or they don't let you be a Mom.' We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. 'OH...I get it!' she beamed, 'So if you don't pass the test you have to be the dad. ' 'Exactly' I replied back with a big smile on my face.
B
Boanerges(Inactive)
Guest
There was a little old lady, who every morning. stepped onto her front porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD!"
One day an atheist moved into the house next door. He became irritated at the little old lady.Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her and yell: "THERE IS NO LORD!"
Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day.One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!
The next morning she stepped out onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there.
"PRAISE THE LORD!" she cried out. "HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME!"
The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and shouted:"THERE IS NO LORD; I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!"
The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD!
HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!"
One day an atheist moved into the house next door. He became irritated at the little old lady.Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her and yell: "THERE IS NO LORD!"
Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day.One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!
The next morning she stepped out onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there.
"PRAISE THE LORD!" she cried out. "HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME!"
The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and shouted:"THERE IS NO LORD; I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!"
The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD!
HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!"
B
Boanerges(Inactive)
Guest
That sounds like something that could really happen.
M
Mark_18
Guest
I could swear that's a repost...
Funny though, and something that could happen, and would be so funny if it did.
Funny though, and something that could happen, and would be so funny if it did.
Maybe it is Mark..... Sorry about that..... I post so many that I loose track.... anyways hope you enjoyed it .
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.
"You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.
I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?"
I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today."
She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."
FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car.
Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries.
It's a long walk."
FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
SIX
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister."
I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
SEVEN
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke
coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
EIGHT
Police in Radnor , Pa. , interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.
The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
NINE
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer.....
Dispatcher: Rush him to emergency!
"Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid."
"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.
"You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.
I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?"
I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today."
She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."
FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car.
Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries.
It's a long walk."
FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
SIX
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister."
I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
SEVEN
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke
coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
EIGHT
Police in Radnor , Pa. , interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.
The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
NINE
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer.....
Dispatcher: Rush him to emergency!
"Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid."
B
Boanerges(Inactive)
Guest
SIX
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister."
I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
The sad part is I can believe it really happened!
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister."
I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
The sad part is I can believe it really happened!
HOW DO YOU GET INTO HEAVEN?
I was testing the children in my Newfoundland Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven.
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me
into Heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!"
By now I was starting to smile.
Hey, this was fun! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband,
would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, "NO!" I was just bursting with pride for them.
Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A six-year-old Newfie boy shouted out,
"YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."
I was testing the children in my Newfoundland Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven.
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me
into Heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!"
By now I was starting to smile.
Hey, this was fun! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband,
would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, "NO!" I was just bursting with pride for them.
Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A six-year-old Newfie boy shouted out,
"YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."
MEDICARE COVERAGE IN A NUTSHELL
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
"Hello."
"Mrs Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes
Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's
biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr.
Sanders arrived as well, and we are now uncertain
which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are
either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for
Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for
AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?"
questioned Mrs. Sanders.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for
these expensive tests one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your
husband offsomewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way
home, don't sleep with him.
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
"Hello."
"Mrs Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes
Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's
biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr.
Sanders arrived as well, and we are now uncertain
which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are
either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for
Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for
AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?"
questioned Mrs. Sanders.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for
these expensive tests one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your
husband offsomewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way
home, don't sleep with him.
B
Boanerges(Inactive)
Guest
AAAWWWWWW.