B
Dusty's Jokes
- Thread starter Dusty
- Start date
lol! oh my! that's terrible!!!
[SIZE=+1]"Three important words" [/SIZE]
At my granddaughter's wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be my husband and I. The DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?"
I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'"
Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, "She's probably right."
At my granddaughter's wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be my husband and I. The DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?"
I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'"
Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, "She's probably right."
[SIZE=+1]"Did I say that?" [/SIZE]
Police in Los Angeles, California had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup.
When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "that's not what I said!"
Police in Los Angeles, California had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup.
When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "that's not what I said!"
B
Boanerges(Inactive)
Guest
The sad part is I believe it!
[SIZE=+1]"Nervous witness" [/SIZE]
An uncertain and nervous witness was being cross-examined. The lawyer thundered, "Have you ever been married?" "Yes, sir," said the witness in a low voice. "Once."
"Whom did you marry?"
"Well, a woman."
The lawyer bellowed angrily, "Of course you married a woman. Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man?"
To which the witness replied meekly, "My sister did."
An uncertain and nervous witness was being cross-examined. The lawyer thundered, "Have you ever been married?" "Yes, sir," said the witness in a low voice. "Once."
"Whom did you marry?"
"Well, a woman."
The lawyer bellowed angrily, "Of course you married a woman. Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man?"
To which the witness replied meekly, "My sister did."
[SIZE=+1]"Funeral" [/SIZE]
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied. "Two years older than me".
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied. "Two years older than me".
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
* * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'W hy do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'
* * * * * * * *
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NB C, FOX, ESPN and th e Cartoon Network!'
** * &nbp; * * * * *
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if i t really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'
* * * * * * * *
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.'
* * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'W hy do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'
* * * * * * * *
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NB C, FOX, ESPN and th e Cartoon Network!'
** * &nbp; * * * * *
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if i t really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'
* * * * * * * *
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.'
* * * * * * * * *
The Three Little Pigs
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,"
But why have you only ordered beer all evening?"
You're gonna LOVE me for this....
The third piggy says -
"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,"
But why have you only ordered beer all evening?"
You're gonna LOVE me for this....
The third piggy says -
"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!
[SIZE=+1]"Bad Signs at the ATM" [/SIZE]
You go to get a balance inquiry, and instead of printing out a receipt the screen says: "Not worth wasting paper.", and ejects your card.
You try to get a balance inquiry, and the screen says: "Account not found." and keeps your card.
You insert your card, and try to get some cash, and the ATM laughs and spits out your shredded card.
You withdraw some money to pay some bills, count it, and the screen says: "What, you thought there was some EXTRA there? HA!", and ejects your card clear across the room.
You think you've got $100 in your account and go to take out $50, and the screen says: "Not in this lifetime." and laughs as you bang on the machine, trying desperately to get your card back that the machine has taken.
You go to the ATM, and there's a picture of you with "Most Wanted" staring forlornly at the ATM camera with a caption that reads: "Wanted for trying to get water from a dry well." -or- "Wanted by the environmental police for creating unnecessary paper trash.
You go to get a balance inquiry, and instead of printing out a receipt the screen says: "Not worth wasting paper.", and ejects your card.
You try to get a balance inquiry, and the screen says: "Account not found." and keeps your card.
You insert your card, and try to get some cash, and the ATM laughs and spits out your shredded card.
You withdraw some money to pay some bills, count it, and the screen says: "What, you thought there was some EXTRA there? HA!", and ejects your card clear across the room.
You think you've got $100 in your account and go to take out $50, and the screen says: "Not in this lifetime." and laughs as you bang on the machine, trying desperately to get your card back that the machine has taken.
You go to the ATM, and there's a picture of you with "Most Wanted" staring forlornly at the ATM camera with a caption that reads: "Wanted for trying to get water from a dry well." -or- "Wanted by the environmental police for creating unnecessary paper trash.
[SIZE=+1]"Making it easier" [/SIZE]
A man owned a large dog, and his neighbors' little girl owned a pet rabbit. One day the man comes home and is greeted by his dog with the lifeless body of the rabbit in his mouth, all full of mud and dirt. After lecturing his dog on the evils of his ways, the man tries to come up with some way of making it easier for the little girl. He figures the best he can do is make it look as if the rabbit died a peaceful death. He takes the dead rabbit into his house, cleans the fur up, blow-drys it so the rabbit is fluffy', and sneaks the body back into the rabbit cage in the neighbors garden.
Two hours later, the man hears a loud shriek from the little girl and runs outside. As he sees the state the child is in, he thinks to himself how much worse it would have been without his making the death scene more sympathetic. When he asks the little girl what was wrong, she says "My rabbit died" The man explains to her that all animals must die, and that the rabbit is in a happier place now. "But he died last night, we buried him in the garden...and now he is back in his cage!"
A man owned a large dog, and his neighbors' little girl owned a pet rabbit. One day the man comes home and is greeted by his dog with the lifeless body of the rabbit in his mouth, all full of mud and dirt. After lecturing his dog on the evils of his ways, the man tries to come up with some way of making it easier for the little girl. He figures the best he can do is make it look as if the rabbit died a peaceful death. He takes the dead rabbit into his house, cleans the fur up, blow-drys it so the rabbit is fluffy', and sneaks the body back into the rabbit cage in the neighbors garden.
Two hours later, the man hears a loud shriek from the little girl and runs outside. As he sees the state the child is in, he thinks to himself how much worse it would have been without his making the death scene more sympathetic. When he asks the little girl what was wrong, she says "My rabbit died" The man explains to her that all animals must die, and that the rabbit is in a happier place now. "But he died last night, we buried him in the garden...and now he is back in his cage!"
B
Boanerges(Inactive)
Guest
Dear Abby,
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the
beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's
worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job eight years ago, he hasn't even looked
for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and
B.S. with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our
daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me
and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed: Clueless
Dear Clueless,
Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman - you don't need him
anymore! You're a United States Senator from New York running for
President of the United States . Act like one.
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the
beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's
worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job eight years ago, he hasn't even looked
for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and
B.S. with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our
daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me
and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed: Clueless
Dear Clueless,
Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman - you don't need him
anymore! You're a United States Senator from New York running for
President of the United States . Act like one.
[SIZE=+1]"Makeover wish" [/SIZE]
In dire need of a beauty make-over, I went to my salon with a fashion magazine photo of a gorgeous, young, hair model.
I showed the stylist the trendy new cut I wanted and settled into the chair as he began humming a catchy tune and got to work on my thin, graying hair.
I was delighted by his cheerful attitude until I recognized the melody.
It was the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
In dire need of a beauty make-over, I went to my salon with a fashion magazine photo of a gorgeous, young, hair model.
I showed the stylist the trendy new cut I wanted and settled into the chair as he began humming a catchy tune and got to work on my thin, graying hair.
I was delighted by his cheerful attitude until I recognized the melody.
It was the theme from "Mission: Impossible."