Ouch indeed
Dusty's Jokes
- Thread starter Dusty
- Start date
Ouch indeed
MALE BLONDE
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction
>work on scaffolding on the 20 th floor of a building.
>
> They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and
>cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm
>going to jump off this building."
>
> The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again!
>If I get Burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
>
>
> The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a
>bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
>
> The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef
>and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
>
>
> The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a Burrito, and jumped, too.
>
> The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his
>death as well.
>
> At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.She said, "If I'd
>known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would
>have given it to him again!"
>
> The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him
>tacos or enchiladas ! I didn't realize he hated Burritos so much."
>
>
> Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife
>said,
>
>
> "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch"
>
>work on scaffolding on the 20 th floor of a building.
>
> They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and
>cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm
>going to jump off this building."
>
> The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again!
>If I get Burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
>
>
> The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a
>bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
>
> The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef
>and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
>
>
> The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a Burrito, and jumped, too.
>
> The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his
>death as well.
>
> At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.She said, "If I'd
>known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would
>have given it to him again!"
>
> The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him
>tacos or enchiladas ! I didn't realize he hated Burritos so much."
>
>
> Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife
>said,
>
>
> "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch"
>
B
Boanerges(Inactive)
Guest
A six year old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts
into his grandpa's room.
"Grandpa, Grandpa," he says excitedly, "as soon as Grandma comes
into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said his grandpa.
"Why should I make a noise like a frog?"
"Because grandma said that as soon as you croak ... we're going to Disneyland!!!"
When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts
into his grandpa's room.
"Grandpa, Grandpa," he says excitedly, "as soon as Grandma comes
into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said his grandpa.
"Why should I make a noise like a frog?"
"Because grandma said that as soon as you croak ... we're going to Disneyland!!!"
B
Boanerges(Inactive)
Guest
15 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
15 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1.At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write 'For Marijuana' 6. Finish All Your sentences with'In Accordance With The Prophecy'.
7. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
8. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
9. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
10.Sing Along At The Opera.
11. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play
tropical Sounds All Day.
12. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because
You have a headache.
13. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!
'14. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards
the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
15. Tell Your Children Over Dinner,
'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
15 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1.At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write 'For Marijuana' 6. Finish All Your sentences with'In Accordance With The Prophecy'.
7. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
8. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
9. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
10.Sing Along At The Opera.
11. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play
tropical Sounds All Day.
12. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because
You have a headache.
13. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!
'14. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards
the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
15. Tell Your Children Over Dinner,
'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER!
You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was.
Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Brian said, "Well, I doub t it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.
So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mom:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that
read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom
LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER
You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was.
Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Brian said, "Well, I doub t it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.
So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mom:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that
read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom
LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER
Oooo...I will have to remember that one. What a great way to freak people out.
[SIZE=+1]"Cattle drive" [/SIZE]
On vacation one year I went to a resort in Wyoming. As part of the usual activities, a neighboring ranch invited guests from our resort to participate in a cattle drive.
After watching 20 make-believe cowpokes whooping and hollering, I rode up to the ranch owner and asked her how many cowboys it normally takes to drive a herd of that size.
"One," she replied.
"One?!" I said incredulously.
"And a dog," she added.
So you all I will be gone for ten days and back March 14th so no jokes till then . God Bless.
On vacation one year I went to a resort in Wyoming. As part of the usual activities, a neighboring ranch invited guests from our resort to participate in a cattle drive.
After watching 20 make-believe cowpokes whooping and hollering, I rode up to the ranch owner and asked her how many cowboys it normally takes to drive a herd of that size.
"One," she replied.
"One?!" I said incredulously.
"And a dog," she added.
So you all I will be gone for ten days and back March 14th so no jokes till then . God Bless.
[SIZE=+1]"Debt" [/SIZE]
A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won't pay up. What should I do?"
"Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer.
"Nope," replied the man.
"Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you," said the lawyer.
"But it's only $500," replied the man.
"Precisely. That's what he will reply and then you'll have your proof!"
A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won't pay up. What should I do?"
"Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer.
"Nope," replied the man.
"Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you," said the lawyer.
"But it's only $500," replied the man.
"Precisely. That's what he will reply and then you'll have your proof!"
[SIZE=+1]Planning for the future" [/SIZE]
An insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife that she should take out life insurance.
"Suppose your husband were to die," he said, "what would you get?"
The housewife thought for a while, and then said, "Oh, a parrot, I think. Then the house wouldn't seem so quiet."
An insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife that she should take out life insurance.
"Suppose your husband were to die," he said, "what would you get?"
The housewife thought for a while, and then said, "Oh, a parrot, I think. Then the house wouldn't seem so quiet."
B
Boanerges(Inactive)
Guest
M
Mark_18
Guest
Ahahaha. My "friend" owes me $45 that I don't know I'll ever see, maybe I'll try this
nahh. lol.He's really no kind of friend. I gotta tell him soon that I don't want to hang out with him anymore.
A man walks in a bank
A man walks in a bank, gets in line and when it is his turn he pulls
> >out a gun...and robs the bank.
Just to make sure he leaves no witnesses, He turns around and asks
the
next customer in line, "Did you see me rob this bank?" The customer
> >replies, "Yes!"
The bank robber raises his gun, points it to the customer's head and
> >BANG !!! Shoots him in the head and kills him!
> >
He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man,
Did You see me rob this bank?" The man calmly responds "No, but my wife
did!"
A man walks in a bank, gets in line and when it is his turn he pulls
> >out a gun...and robs the bank.
Just to make sure he leaves no witnesses, He turns around and asks
the
next customer in line, "Did you see me rob this bank?" The customer
> >replies, "Yes!"
The bank robber raises his gun, points it to the customer's head and
> >BANG !!! Shoots him in the head and kills him!
> >
He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man,
Did You see me rob this bank?" The man calmly responds "No, but my wife
did!"
[SIZE=+1]"Cure for snoring" [/SIZE]
A woman was unable to get any sleep because of her husband's loud snoring.
So she called the doctor one morning. She asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."
"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus some payments for extras."
"My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "it sounds like leasing a new luxury car!"
"Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"
So she called the doctor one morning. She asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."
"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus some payments for extras."
"My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "it sounds like leasing a new luxury car!"
"Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"
OUr time is coming
Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement
>25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he
>tells his wife, "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad that
>once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
>His wife sympathizes. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my
>brother with you and give it one more try?"
>"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is 103! He can't help."
>"He may be 103," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect!"
>So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his
>brother-in-law.
>He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.
>He turns to his brother-in-law and says, "Did you see the ball?"
>"Of course I did!" says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight!"
>"Where did it go?" says Arthur.
>"I can't remember."
Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement
>25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he
>tells his wife, "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad that
>once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
>His wife sympathizes. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my
>brother with you and give it one more try?"
>"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is 103! He can't help."
>"He may be 103," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect!"
>So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his
>brother-in-law.
>He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.
>He turns to his brother-in-law and says, "Did you see the ball?"
>"Of course I did!" says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight!"
>"Where did it go?" says Arthur.
>"I can't remember."
[SIZE=+1]Chances are" [/SIZE]
An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating proposing. "Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend.
"Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90."
An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating proposing. "Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend.
"Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90."
B
Boanerges(Inactive)
Guest
[SIZE=+1]"Russian" [/SIZE]
The couple was delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them that there was a wonderful Russian baby boy available, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"
The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby. In a year or so, when he begins to talk, we want to be able to understand him."
The couple was delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them that there was a wonderful Russian baby boy available, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"
The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby. In a year or so, when he begins to talk, we want to be able to understand him."