Dusty's Jokes
- Thread starter Dusty
- Start date
[SIZE=+1]"Blind date" [/SIZE]
After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date.
Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table from taking the call, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank goodness," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to."
After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date.
Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table from taking the call, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank goodness," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to."
B
Boanerges(Inactive)
Guest
Ha ha!
Oh, Ok, Thanks Psalm 91
Ok every one here is a joke that is going to make you say...... Oh no.... yuk.
Baby's Tea party
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge.
> >
> >> I was maybe 1 and a half years old.
> >
> > Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
> >
> > Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought
> >> Daddy a little cup of 'tea,' which was just water.
> >
> >> After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
> >
> > My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'
> >
> > My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says,
> >
> > 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'
> >
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge.
> >
> >> I was maybe 1 and a half years old.
> >
> > Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
> >
> > Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought
> >> Daddy a little cup of 'tea,' which was just water.
> >
> >> After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
> >
> > My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'
> >
> > My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says,
> >
> > 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'
> >
[SIZE=+1]"Big trouble" [/SIZE]
Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of the telephone. In a sleepy, grumpy voice I said "Hello?"
There was a momentary pause before the young lady on the other end of the line rushed breathlessly into a lengthy speech.
"Dad, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because
I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, your car has a flat, but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theatre. Please don't be mad, OK?"
As I don't have a daughter named Susan, I knew the young lady had made a mistake.
"I'm sorry, dear," I said, "but you've reached the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Susan."
A pause.
"Oh, Dad," came the young woman's reply, "I didn't think you'd be THIS mad!"
Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of the telephone. In a sleepy, grumpy voice I said "Hello?"
There was a momentary pause before the young lady on the other end of the line rushed breathlessly into a lengthy speech.
"Dad, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because
I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, your car has a flat, but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theatre. Please don't be mad, OK?"
As I don't have a daughter named Susan, I knew the young lady had made a mistake.
"I'm sorry, dear," I said, "but you've reached the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Susan."
A pause.
"Oh, Dad," came the young woman's reply, "I didn't think you'd be THIS mad!"
[SIZE=+1]"Delivery" [/SIZE]
An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child.
The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so.
The mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.
"Spank him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.
An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child.
The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so.
The mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.
"Spank him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.
Kids
GOOD SAMARITAN:
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?' A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.'
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?' 'No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he, with just two worms.'
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD:
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task -- but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were
scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, 'The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.'
UNANSWERED PRAYER?
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head, for a moment, before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
'Well, Honey,' he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages, 'I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.'
'How come He doesn't do it?' she asked.
BEING THANKFUL
A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, 'So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?'
The little boy replied, 'Thank God he's in bed!'
LOT'S WIFE:
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, 'My Mommy looked back once, while she was driving,' he announced triumphantly, 'and she turned into a telephone pole!'
ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS?
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, 'And all girls.' As this soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this at the end, my curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, 'Kelli, Why do you always add the part about all girls?' Her response, 'Because we always finish our prayers by saying 'All Men'!'
SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. 'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' Said his mother.
'I don't have to,' The boy replied.
'Of course, you do,' his mother insisted. 'We say a prayer before eating, at our house.'
'That's our house,' Johnny explained. 'But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!
GOOD SAMARITAN:
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?' A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.'
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?' 'No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he, with just two worms.'
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD:
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task -- but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were
scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, 'The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.'
UNANSWERED PRAYER?
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head, for a moment, before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
'Well, Honey,' he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages, 'I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.'
'How come He doesn't do it?' she asked.
BEING THANKFUL
A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, 'So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?'
The little boy replied, 'Thank God he's in bed!'
LOT'S WIFE:
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, 'My Mommy looked back once, while she was driving,' he announced triumphantly, 'and she turned into a telephone pole!'
ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS?
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, 'And all girls.' As this soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this at the end, my curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, 'Kelli, Why do you always add the part about all girls?' Her response, 'Because we always finish our prayers by saying 'All Men'!'
SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. 'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' Said his mother.
'I don't have to,' The boy replied.
'Of course, you do,' his mother insisted. 'We say a prayer before eating, at our house.'
'That's our house,' Johnny explained. 'But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!
B
Boanerges(Inactive)
Guest
, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, 'The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.'
Preach it little brother!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Preach it little brother!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[SIZE=+1]"But officer..." [/SIZE]
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
[SIZE=+1]"Too many seats" [/SIZE]
When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in the movie theater, he walked over and whispered, "Sorry, sir, but you're allowed only one seat." The man moaned but didn't budge.
"Sir," the usher said more loudly, "if you don't move, I'll have to call the manager." The man moaned again but stayed where he was. The usher left and returned with the manager, who, after several attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police.
The cop looked at the reclining man and said, "All right, what's your name, joker?"
"Joe," he mumbled.
"And where are you from, Joe?"
Joe responds painfully... "The balcony."
When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in the movie theater, he walked over and whispered, "Sorry, sir, but you're allowed only one seat." The man moaned but didn't budge.
"Sir," the usher said more loudly, "if you don't move, I'll have to call the manager." The man moaned again but stayed where he was. The usher left and returned with the manager, who, after several attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police.
The cop looked at the reclining man and said, "All right, what's your name, joker?"
"Joe," he mumbled.
"And where are you from, Joe?"
Joe responds painfully... "The balcony."
B
Boanerges(Inactive)
Guest
Ouch!