M
Mark_18
Guest
LOL
Was it a blonde couple?
Was it a blonde couple?
Dusty's Jokes
- Thread starter Dusty
- Start date
[SIZE=+1]"Do it again" [/SIZE]
After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room.
Rushing back in, they found Sammy crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking helped.
His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear. The little boy was delighted.
In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it, then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Dad!"
After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room.
Rushing back in, they found Sammy crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking helped.
His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear. The little boy was delighted.
In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it, then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Dad!"
Cat and Mouse
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, 'You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.'
The cat thought for a minute and then said, 'All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.'
God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.'
God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?'
The cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!'
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, 'You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.'
The cat thought for a minute and then said, 'All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.'
God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.'
God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?'
The cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!'
?
THE RABBIT AND THE BLONDE
A man is driving along a highway
and sees a rabbit jump out
across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it,
but unfortunately
the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver,
a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,
pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay,
the rabbit is dead.
The driver feels so awful
that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman
driving down the highway
sees a man crying on the
side of the road
and pulls over.
She steps out of the car
and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," !
he explains,
"I accidentally hit this rabbit
and killed it."
The blonde says,
"Don't worry."
She runs to her car
and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit,
bends down,
and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.
The rabbit jumps up,
waves its paw at the two of them
and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away the rabbit stops,
turns around and waves again,
he hops down the road another 10 feet,
turns and waves, hops another ten feet,
turns and waves,
and repeats this again and again and again,
until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can?
What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turns the can around
so that the man can read the label.
It says..
(Are you ready for this?)
(Are you sure?)
(This is bad!)
(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)
(You know you could just click off
and not read the punch line....)
(You can still delete it)
(You know you're gonna be sorry)
(Last chance)
(OK, here it is)
It says,
"Hair Spray -
Restores life to dead hair,
and adds permanent wave."
B
Boanerges(Inactive)
Guest
That is my all time favorite!
[SIZE=+1]"Feline Physics" [/SIZE]
Law of Cat Inertia - A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food.
Law of Cat Magnetism - All clothes attract cat hair of opposite color in direct proportion to the importance of the occasion for which you are dressing. If you do not own a cat with the requisite hair color, this law will still, somehow, apply.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics - Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Stretching - A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
Law of Cat Inertia - A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food.
Law of Cat Magnetism - All clothes attract cat hair of opposite color in direct proportion to the importance of the occasion for which you are dressing. If you do not own a cat with the requisite hair color, this law will still, somehow, apply.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics - Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Stretching - A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
[SIZE=+1]"Escape from the zoo" [/SIZE]
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo.
After recapturing the kangaroo, the zookeeper put up a ten-foot fence. Again the kangaroo was out the next morning, roaming around the zoo. So the fence was extended to 20 feet. But again the kangaroo was out the next morning.
Frustrated zoo officials built a fence 40 feet high.
A camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How much higher do you think they'll go?"
The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet I guess -- unless somebody starts locking the gate!"
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo.
After recapturing the kangaroo, the zookeeper put up a ten-foot fence. Again the kangaroo was out the next morning, roaming around the zoo. So the fence was extended to 20 feet. But again the kangaroo was out the next morning.
Frustrated zoo officials built a fence 40 feet high.
A camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How much higher do you think they'll go?"
The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet I guess -- unless somebody starts locking the gate!"
[SIZE=+1]"Your fortune" [/SIZE]
A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell your weight and fortune and dropped in a coin.
"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."
"Uh huh," his wife nodded. She then pointed at the card, "Look, it has your weight wrong, too."
A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell your weight and fortune and dropped in a coin.
"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."
"Uh huh," his wife nodded. She then pointed at the card, "Look, it has your weight wrong, too."
[SIZE=+1]"There, there Billy" [/SIZE]
A man was walking through the park pushing his son in a stroller.
The child was crying at the top of his voice and try as he might, his father could not calm him down. On the verge of despair he said, "Take it easy, Billy, it'll eventually be okay."
A woman passing stopped to remark, "How nicely you treat Billy. You are such a sweet man, it's very obvious that you love your son very much."
The startled man replied, "Ma'am, I am Billy."
A man was walking through the park pushing his son in a stroller.
The child was crying at the top of his voice and try as he might, his father could not calm him down. On the verge of despair he said, "Take it easy, Billy, it'll eventually be okay."
A woman passing stopped to remark, "How nicely you treat Billy. You are such a sweet man, it's very obvious that you love your son very much."
The startled man replied, "Ma'am, I am Billy."
[SIZE=+1]A good defence" [/SIZE]
A family of skunks was trapped in a thicket, surrounded by a pack of hungry wolves that were edging even closer.
The Mother skunk calmly instructed her young: "Quickly children, let's put our heads together!"
After they obeyed, forming a circle, she continued, "Now-Let us spray!"
A family of skunks was trapped in a thicket, surrounded by a pack of hungry wolves that were edging even closer.
The Mother skunk calmly instructed her young: "Quickly children, let's put our heads together!"
After they obeyed, forming a circle, she continued, "Now-Let us spray!"
[SIZE=+1]"Scratch, scratch" [/SIZE]
The couple's young daughter had adopted a stray cat.
To her mother's distress, the cat began to use the back of their new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry," her husband reassured her. "I'll have him trained in no time."
They watched for several days as he patiently "trained" their new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, he deposited the cat outdoors to teach him a lesson.
The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.
The couple's young daughter had adopted a stray cat.
To her mother's distress, the cat began to use the back of their new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry," her husband reassured her. "I'll have him trained in no time."
They watched for several days as he patiently "trained" their new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, he deposited the cat outdoors to teach him a lesson.
The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.
[SIZE=+1]"Peace and quiet" [/SIZE]
Mary came downstairs to find her neighbour, Holly, sitting at her kitchen table, leisurely drinking a cup of coffee.
"Well, hello there," said Mary. "To what do I owe the pleasure of seeing you this morning?"
"I'm not here," Holly said as she poured herself another cup. "I'm playing with the kids in our backyard."
"Oh?" Mary responded with an amused look. "You look like you're here. You'll have to explain this one to me."
"Well, Jimmy, Jeff and Rachel were driving me crazy. So, like a good mother, I took them outside to run off some energy."
"That still doesn't explain how you can be two places at once."
Holly leaned back and propped her feet up on another chair. "We're playing Hide & Seek -- and I'm 'it.'"
Mary came downstairs to find her neighbour, Holly, sitting at her kitchen table, leisurely drinking a cup of coffee.
"Well, hello there," said Mary. "To what do I owe the pleasure of seeing you this morning?"
"I'm not here," Holly said as she poured herself another cup. "I'm playing with the kids in our backyard."
"Oh?" Mary responded with an amused look. "You look like you're here. You'll have to explain this one to me."
"Well, Jimmy, Jeff and Rachel were driving me crazy. So, like a good mother, I took them outside to run off some energy."
"That still doesn't explain how you can be two places at once."
Holly leaned back and propped her feet up on another chair. "We're playing Hide & Seek -- and I'm 'it.'"
B
Boanerges(Inactive)
Guest
Kernal Sanders went to the cathedral to see the Pope about a business proposition.
He informed the Pope how it would not only benefit him but also the church. "How is that the Pope asked. Kernal Sanders said "I will pay you $10,000,000 if you change the Lords prayer from "our daily bread" to "our daily chicken." The pope shockingly said "I CAN"T DO THAT!!" So Kernal Sanders replied how about $100,000,000 The Pope replied you do not under stand I cannot make this decision alone I must talk to the Cardilals first. Later The Pope was in session with the Cardinals and said "Brothers, I have some good news and some bad news." "What's the good news" asked one of the Cardinals." Kernal Sanders has offered us $100,000,000 to change The Lords prayer from "our daily bread" to "our daily chicken." "And the bad news is?" asked another Cardinal. The Pope replied 'We lose the Wonder bread account."
He informed the Pope how it would not only benefit him but also the church. "How is that the Pope asked. Kernal Sanders said "I will pay you $10,000,000 if you change the Lords prayer from "our daily bread" to "our daily chicken." The pope shockingly said "I CAN"T DO THAT!!" So Kernal Sanders replied how about $100,000,000 The Pope replied you do not under stand I cannot make this decision alone I must talk to the Cardilals first. Later The Pope was in session with the Cardinals and said "Brothers, I have some good news and some bad news." "What's the good news" asked one of the Cardinals." Kernal Sanders has offered us $100,000,000 to change The Lords prayer from "our daily bread" to "our daily chicken." "And the bad news is?" asked another Cardinal. The Pope replied 'We lose the Wonder bread account."
A Limo driver gets a call from his dispatch to go pick up the Pope at the Cathedral. When he gets there he meets the Pope and says "Are you who I think you are?" The Pope replies "Yes I am" "What an honor this is to not only meet you but also be given the opertunity to give you a ride in my Limo." replied the driver. As they got into the limo the Pope told the driver He needed to get to the airport as quickly as possiable. after a while on the freeway the Pope asked the driver if he could speed it up as he couldn't afford to miss his flight. The driver responded saying "I'm sorry sir but if I get one more ticket I'll lose my licesense. "OH" replied the Pope "in that case would you mind if I drove then." the Pope asked. After changing places the Pope went on his way expidiently to make up lost time. Not too soon later a Police car pulled up along side and waved them over to the side of the road. The police man knocked on the tinted window of the Limo and as it rolled down the officer was stunned saying "Are you who I think you are?" The Pope replies "Yes I am". Rather confused the officer excused himself back to his car and called for the police captian. The officer explained to the captian that he just pulled over a very important person and he wasn't sure just what to do . The captian asked if this guy was more important then a congressman or senetor the officer replied "I belive so" the Captian replied more important then the President? The officer replied I'm not sure lets just say whoever this guy is the Pope is his choufer!
[SIZE=+1]"Unusual defence" [/SIZE]
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled.
With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled.
With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
B
Boanerges(Inactive)
Guest
Doctor Doctor
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace
> a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested the
> young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could
> become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman
> complained,
>
> "I've been a little sick to my stomach."
>
> The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing
> the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount
> you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
>
> As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine
> that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"
>
> "I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on
> the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I
> noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was
> what was probably making her sick."
>
> "Hmmm," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think
> I'll try that at the next house."
>
> Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes
> talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just
> didn't have the energy she once did.
>
> "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
>
> "You've probably been doing too much extra work for the
> church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should
> cut back a bit and see if that helps."
>
> As they left, the elder doc said, Your diagnosis is almost
> certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?
>
> "Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my
> stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed
> the preacher under the bed."
>
>
>
>
>
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace
> a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested the
> young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could
> become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman
> complained,
>
> "I've been a little sick to my stomach."
>
> The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing
> the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount
> you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
>
> As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine
> that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"
>
> "I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on
> the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I
> noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was
> what was probably making her sick."
>
> "Hmmm," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think
> I'll try that at the next house."
>
> Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes
> talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just
> didn't have the energy she once did.
>
> "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
>
> "You've probably been doing too much extra work for the
> church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should
> cut back a bit and see if that helps."
>
> As they left, the elder doc said, Your diagnosis is almost
> certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?
>
> "Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my
> stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed
> the preacher under the bed."
>
>
>
>
>