Dusty's Jokes

Blonde gets even.

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running Boards.




What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"




"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of h! Eadlight S is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.




"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.




The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie?




I LOVE THIS ONE........... She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"




FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS [FONT=Monotype Corsi! va]EVE N!


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[SIZE=+1]"Soap and water" [/SIZE]




A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners who was known as being an unkempt housekeeper.
When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. "Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime. She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."
He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes. When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside whistled and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"
 
[SIZE=+1]"Crow's view" [/SIZE]






Two crows were sitting on a fence amazed at how fast a jet with smoke pouring out the back was going.
First crow: Man, look how fast that guy is going.
Second crow: You'd fly that fast too if your tail was on fire!


​
 
A young girl asked her mother, 'How did people come to be?'

Her mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve. They had children and thus resulted all mankind.'

The daughter then went to her father with the same question. The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys and we developed from them.'

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me we were created by God and Dad said we came from monkeys?'

Her mother responded, 'Well, dear, I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.'
 
[SIZE=+1]"Rules" [/SIZE]



There once was a young Puritan man, who had a great deal of difficulty remembering the various rules of conduct in his community. He tried hard, but was constantly being ridiculed because of some breach of etiquette. In desperation, he asked an older man to teach him proper manners. The task was formidable, and the older man's patience grew thin, as he had to repeatedly chastise the younger man for his awkward ways. Finally, on the way into church one Sunday, the younger man started into the building ahead of the older man. He was firmly collared by his elder, who then allowed a lady to go in ahead of both of them.
The young man expressed his regret. The older, losing his temper, screamed, "Canst thou remember nothing? How much easier can it become?" Pointing out the woman who had just entered, he said, "It is I before Thee, except after She!"
 
Amen



A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.



After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary.



A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.



After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.



Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."



The entire congregation said, "Amen! ."

 
[SIZE=+1]"Hot air balloon" [/SIZE]





A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:
"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says:
"Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in Information Technology" says the balloonist.
"I do" replies the man, "How did you know?"
"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says "You must work in business."
"I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
 
MISSING HUSBAND

Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really angry. She told him, “tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift
in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds, AND IT
BETTER BE THERE!!”

The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife
awoke, she looked out the window, and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on

her robe and ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.
 
Here's a classic joke

A loving couple wanted a child for the longest time. After years of trying, they finally conceived and a child was born to them. Unfortunately, the child had a birth defect, in that he had no arms, no legs -- in fact, he had no body! Only a head. The couple loved their child anyway, and lavished upon him all their love and affection.

Several years later, their family doctor tells them that head transplant surgery has become a reality. "Finally," the doctor tells them, "Your son can have the body he's always needed. We have a body donor ready for him, so bring him in immediately!"

So the couple rushes home and excitedly tells their son, "We have a wonderful surprise for you!"

To which the son replies, "Oh no. Not another hat!"
 
[SIZE=+1]Haiku Computer Error Messages" [/SIZE]



Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

The Web site you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.

Order shall return.
Program aborting:

Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand-dollar screen dies
So beautifully.

With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:

"My Novel" not found.
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao-until

You bring fresh toner.
Stay the patient course.

Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer

To a simple stone.
Three things are certain:

Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.

This page is not here.
Out of memory.

We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
 
[SIZE=+1]Ordering Pizza in the Year 2020" [/SIZE]​

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your..."
Customer: "Hi, I'd like to order."
Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?"
Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610."
Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Which number are you calling from, sir?"
Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?"
Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir."
Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas..."
Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."
Customer: "Whaddya mean?"
Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."
Customer: "What do you recommend, then?"
Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it"
Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?"
Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."
Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then. What's the damage?"
Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, sir. The 'damage,' as you put it, heh, heh, comes to $49.99."
Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit."
Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here."
Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn."
Customer: "Never mind. Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?"
Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward."
Customer: "How do you know I'm riding a bike?"
>> Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid up, so I just assumed that you'd be using it."
Customer: "@#%/$@&?#!"
Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop."
Customer: (Speechless)
Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"
Customer: "No, nothing. oh, yeah, don't forget the two free liters of Coke your ad says I get with the pizzas."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics."​
 
[SIZE=+1]"Summer vacation" [/SIZE]



Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked Little Rodney about his family vacation.
"We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota."
The teacher asked, "Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?"
Little Rodney replied, "My mistake. Actually, she lives in Ohio."
 
[SIZE=+1]"Time off" [/SIZE]



Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.
"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"

​
 
[SIZE=+1]If Only Life Was Like A Computer!" [/SIZE]

If you messed up your life, you could press "Alt, Ctrl, Delete" and start all over!
To get your daily exercise, just click on "run."
If you needed a break from life, click on "suspend."
Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.
To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.
To "add/remove" someone in your life, click settings and control panel.
To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.
If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.
When you lose your car keys, click on "find."
"Help" with the chores is just a click away.
You wouldn't need auto insurance. You'd use your diskette to recover from a crash.
We could click on "send" and the kids would go to bed immediately.
To feel like a new person, click on "refresh."
Click on "close" to shut up the kids and spouse.
To undo a mistake, click on "back."
Is your wardrobe getting old? Click "update."
If you don't like cleaning the litter box, click on "delete."
 
[SIZE=+1]"Dear Dogs and Cats," [/SIZE]



When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. When I exit this room, I will come out the the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years. Canine attendance has never been necessary.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs' butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
In return for your following these simple rules, I have posted the following message on our front door:


Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:
They live here. You don't.
If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
I like my pet a lot better than I like most people.
To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.
 
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