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Dusty's Jokes
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B
Boanerges(Inactive)
Guest
MountainWings A MountainWings Moment#7131 Wings Over The Mountains of Life
Why My Lips Stayed Chapped On Mother's Day
=============================
So, we had this great cat named Jack and the kids would carry
him around and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out
and nap all day long on this mat in our bathroom.
Well we have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were 4
years old, 3 years old and 1 year old. The middle one is Eli.
Eli really loves chapstick. LOVES it. He kept asking to use my
chapstick and then losing it. So finally one day I showed him
where in the bathroom I keep my chapstick and how he could use
it whenever he wanted to but he needed to put it right back in
the drawer when he was done.
Last year on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush
around and try to get ready for Church with everyone crying and
carrying on. My two boys are fighting over the toy in the
cereal box. I am trying to nurse my little one at the same time
I am putting on my make-up. Everything is a mess and everyone
has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to honor me and
the amazing job that is motherhood.
We finally have the older one and the baby loaded in the car and
I am looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally
round the corner to go into the bathroom. And there was Eli.
He was applying my chapstick very carefully to Jack's . . .
rear end. Eli looked right into my eyes and said "chapped."
Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right--their little
butts do look pretty chapped. And, frankly, Jack didn't seem to
mind.
And the only question to really ask at that point was whether it
was the 1st time Eli had done that to the cat's behind or the
hundredth.
And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever because it
reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these
glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when
you realize they've been using your chapstick on the cat's butt.
Forward this issue to a friend or send them the link below:
MountainWings.com Inspirational E-Mail -
Why My Lips Stayed Chapped On Mother's Day
=============================
So, we had this great cat named Jack and the kids would carry
him around and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out
and nap all day long on this mat in our bathroom.
Well we have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were 4
years old, 3 years old and 1 year old. The middle one is Eli.
Eli really loves chapstick. LOVES it. He kept asking to use my
chapstick and then losing it. So finally one day I showed him
where in the bathroom I keep my chapstick and how he could use
it whenever he wanted to but he needed to put it right back in
the drawer when he was done.
Last year on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush
around and try to get ready for Church with everyone crying and
carrying on. My two boys are fighting over the toy in the
cereal box. I am trying to nurse my little one at the same time
I am putting on my make-up. Everything is a mess and everyone
has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to honor me and
the amazing job that is motherhood.
We finally have the older one and the baby loaded in the car and
I am looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally
round the corner to go into the bathroom. And there was Eli.
He was applying my chapstick very carefully to Jack's . . .
rear end. Eli looked right into my eyes and said "chapped."
Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right--their little
butts do look pretty chapped. And, frankly, Jack didn't seem to
mind.
And the only question to really ask at that point was whether it
was the 1st time Eli had done that to the cat's behind or the
hundredth.
And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever because it
reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these
glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when
you realize they've been using your chapstick on the cat's butt.
Forward this issue to a friend or send them the link below:
MountainWings.com Inspirational E-Mail -
[SIZE=+1]"Don't be fooled" [/SIZE]
The ad in the local newspaper read: "Purebred Police Dog $25."
Thinking that to be a great bargain, Mrs. Jones ordered the dog to be delivered.
The next day a van pulled up and left her the mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen.
In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad. "What do you mean by calling that mangy-mutt a purebred police dog?"
"Don't be deceived by his looks, Ma'am," he replied. "He works undercover."
[SIZE=+1]"Living the motto" [/SIZE]
A scoutmaster and his wife were driving along a rural highway when they found the road blocked by a herd of cows that had escaped through a broken fence.
The scoutmaster tried beeping his horn to scare the cattle from the pavement, but to no avail. For some reason, no sound was heard. He got out of the car, lifted the hood, and saw the problem, a loose wire, which he quickly fixed.
As he got back into the car, his wife asked him if he'd had any luck.
"Yep," he replied, "beep repaired!"
B
Boanerges(Inactive)
Guest
That actually took a minute to soak in my head this morning!
B
Boanerges(Inactive)
Guest
13......13....13
I was walking past the mental
hospital the other day and all of
the patients were shouting,
13......13....13. The wood fence
was too high to see over, but I
saw a little hole in one of the
planks so l looked through to
see what was going on.
Some nut poked me in the eye
with a stick.
Then they all started shouting
14.....14....14.
I was walking past the mental
hospital the other day and all of
the patients were shouting,
13......13....13. The wood fence
was too high to see over, but I
saw a little hole in one of the
planks so l looked through to
see what was going on.
Some nut poked me in the eye
with a stick.
Then they all started shouting
14.....14....14.
I love that.[SIZE=+1]"Second wedding" [/SIZE]
John and Nancy had been married for 40 years and decided they wanted to renew their vows.
They were discussing the details of their second wedding with their friends. Nancy wasn't going to wear a traditional bridal gown, and she started describing the dress she was planning to wear. One of her friends asked what color shoes she had to go with the dress. Nancy replied, "Silver."
At that point, her husband chimed in, "Yep silver ... to match her hair."
Shooting a glaring look at John's bald spot, Nancy's friend said, "So John, I guess you are going barefoot."
No joke. For everyone with grey hair.
Pro 16:31 A crown of beauty are grey hairs, In the way of righteousness it is found.
Teacher's Jokes
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: [FONT=Comic Sans
MS]You told me to do it without using tables. [/FONT]
_________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
_________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher!
Butt Dust
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that was hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that was hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
Shipwrecked Newfie
A Newfie was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted
island.
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two
animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful
cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for
romance.
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]the lonely Newfie. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]arm around it.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep,growled fiercely[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]until the man took his arm from around the sheep.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]together, but there was no more cuddling.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]shipwreck.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]woman the man had ever seen.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]nursed her back to health.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening...[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]of romance.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Pretty soon, the Newfie started to get 'those feelings' again.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]and, realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear,[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'[/FONT]
A Newfie was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted
island.
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two
animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful
cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for
romance.
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]the lonely Newfie. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]arm around it.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep,growled fiercely[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]until the man took his arm from around the sheep.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]together, but there was no more cuddling.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]shipwreck.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]woman the man had ever seen.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]nursed her back to health.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening...[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]of romance.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Pretty soon, the Newfie started to get 'those feelings' again.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]and, realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear,[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'[/FONT]
[SIZE=+1]"Trouble sleeping" [/SIZE]
An exhausted looking man dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."
"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."
"Great," the man answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."
A few weeks later the man returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"
"I don't understand how that could be," said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"
"That may be true," answered the man wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!
B
Boanerges(Inactive)
Guest
[SIZE=+1]"What's in a Name?" [/SIZE]
Lawyer's daughter: Sue
Thief's son: Rob
Lawyer's son: Will
Doctor's son: Bill
Meteorologist's daughter: Haley
Steam shovel operator's son: Doug
Hair Stylist's son: Bob
Homeopathic doctor's son: Herb
Justice of the peace's daughter: Mary
Sound stage technician's son: Mike
Hot-dog vendor's son: Frank
Gambler's daughter: Bette
Exercise guru's son: Jim
Cattle Thief's son: Russell
Painter's son: Art
Iron worker's son: Rusty
TV show star's daughter: Emmy
Movie star's son: Oscar
Barber's son: Harry
M
Mark_18
Guest
"Shipwrecked Newfie"
Ha ha , Mark only us Canadians know about Newfies."Shipwrecked Newfie"