Dusty's Jokes

[SIZE=+1]"Car alarms" [/SIZE]



A man was sitting in a restaurant with a friend when a noisy car alarm interrupted their conversation. "What good are car alarms when no one pays any attention to them?" the man wondered aloud.
"Some are quite effective," his friend corrected him.
"Last summer, my teenager spent a lot of time at the neighbors'. Whenever I wanted him home, I'd go out to the driveway and jostle his car."
 
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally ! respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

 
:eek: She would fit right in some neighborhoods I have been in!:eek:
 
Retired

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
> > > Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and
> > > preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like
> > > most women - - she loved to browse.
> > > Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local
> > > Wal-Mart.
> > > Dear Mrs. Samsel,
> > > Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
> >commotion
> > > in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to
> >ban
> >
> > > both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed
> > > below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
> > > 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
> > > carts when they weren't looking.
> > > 2 . July 2 : Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
> >5-minute
> >
> > > intervals.
> > > 3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
> > > women's restroom.
> > > 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
> > > "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away."
> > > 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on
> > > layaway.
> > > 6. August 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
> > > 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other
> > > shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets
> >from
> >
> > > the bedding department.
> > > 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying
> > > and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
> > > 9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
> > > mirror while he picked his nose.
> > > 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he
> >asked
> > > t he clerk where the antidepressants were.
> > > 11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming
> > > the "Mission Impossible" theme.
> > > 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look"
> >by
> >
> > > using different sizes of funnels.
> > > 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
> > > yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
> > >
> > > 14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
> > > assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
> > >
> > > And last, but not least.
> > >
> > > 15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
> > > then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"
> >Regards,
> > > Tom Richards
> > > Wal-Mart Manager
> > >
>

 
laugh3.gif
 
Dusty said:
[SIZE=+1]"Car alarms" [/SIZE]



A man was sitting in a restaurant with a friend when a noisy car alarm interrupted their conversation. "What good are car alarms when no one pays any attention to them?" the man wondered aloud.
"Some are quite effective," his friend corrected him.
"Last summer, my teenager spent a lot of time at the neighbors'. Whenever I wanted him home, I'd go out to the driveway and jostle his car."
Click to expand...

lol...:)
 
[SIZE=+1]"Slow worker" [/SIZE]



A young man was a slow worker and found it difficult to hold down a job. After a visit to the employment office, he was offered work at the local zoo.
When he arrived for his first day, the keeper, aware of his reputation, told him to take care of the tortoise section.
Later, the keeper dropped by to see how the young man was doing and found him standing by an empty enclosure with the gate open. "Where are the tortoises?" he asked.
"I can't believe it," said the new employee, "I just opened the door and whooooosh, they were gone!"
 
[SIZE=+1]"Shopping trip" [/SIZE]



A wife sent her husband and their daughter to the health food store with a carefully prepared shopping list. They returned with brussel sprouts, organically grown tomatoes, wild rice, tofu, veggie burgers and a box of sugar cookies.
The man noticed his wife's glare when she pulled out the cookies. So he said, "Hey, those cookies have one-third less sugar AND fat than usual!"
"Really? Why is that?" the mother asked.
"We ate a third of them on the way home," he replied.
​
 
[SIZE=+1]"I'd like to report a crime" [/SIZE]




A snail was moving along the beach when he happened to look back behind him and saw three turtles wearing leather jackets. After moving along for about four weeks, the snail looked back again and saw that the three turtles were still there and closing in on him. So, the snail picked up his pace.
After about six more weeks, the snail looked back again, and saw that the turtles were still chasing him. And they were getting closer and closer! So, he kept on going as fast as he could.
After another few weeks, the turtles finally caught up with the snail and mugged him, took all of his clothes and the keys to his car. After another couple of weeks, the snail got to a pay phone and called the police. "I've been mugged by three turtles wearing leather jackets! You need to get down here and take a report or do something!" he said.
"Can you give us a description of the turtles?" asked the police officer.
"No, I can't. It all happened too fast!" cried the snail.
 
[SIZE=+1]What happened?" [/SIZE]



"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.
"Well, we went to Six Flags and decided to ride the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track.
I tried to read it, but it was very small, and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I still couldn't see what the sign said.
By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."
"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.
"Yes," he said sheepishly, "Remain seated at all times!"
 
[SIZE=+1]"That's my mom" [/SIZE]​




4 YEARS OF AGE My Mommy can do anything!
8 YEARS OF AGE My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 YEARS OF AGE My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.
14 YEARS OF AGE Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either.
16 YEARS OF AGE Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 YEARS OF AGE That old woman? She's way out of date!
25 YEARS OF AGE Well, she might know a little bit about it.
35 YEARS OF AGE Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.
45 YEARS OF AGE Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
65 YEARS OF AGE Wish I could talk it over with Mom.....
 
[SIZE=+1]"Lonely child" [/SIZE]



Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. Sandy approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?" "Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie
 
"Where did we come from?"

A little girl asked her Mother,
'How did the human race appear?'

The mother answered,
'GOD made Adam and Eve and
they had children and so
all mankind was made.'

Two days later the girl
asked her father the same
question.

The father answered,
'Many years ago there were
monkeys from which
the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned
to her mother and said,
'Mom, how is it
possible that you told me the
human race was created by God,
and Daddy said they developed
from monkeys?'

The mother answered, 'Well, dear,
it is very simple. I told you about
my side of the family and
your father told you about his.'
 
Dusty said:
[SIZE=+1]"That's my mom" [/SIZE]​





4 YEARS OF AGE My Mommy can do anything!12 YEARS OF AGE My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.
14 YEARS OF AGE Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either.
16 YEARS OF AGE Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.
8 YEARS OF AGE My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
18 YEARS OF AGE That old woman? She's way out of date!
25 YEARS OF AGE Well, she might know a little bit about it.
35 YEARS OF AGE Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.
45 YEARS OF AGE Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
65 YEARS OF AGE Wish I could talk it over with Mom.....
Click to expand...

We watched a slideshow with this very text on Sunday at church.
 
daperfectmix said:
"Where did we come from?"

A little girl asked her Mother,
'How did the human race appear?'

The mother answered,
'GOD made Adam and Eve and
they had children and so
all mankind was made.'

Two days later the girl
asked her father the same
question.

The father answered,
'Many years ago there were
monkeys from which
the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned
to her mother and said,
'Mom, how is it
possible that you told me the
human race was created by God,
and Daddy said they developed
from monkeys?'

The mother answered, 'Well, dear,
it is very simple. I told you about
my side of the family and
your father told you about his.'
Click to expand...


That's cute ..... Thanks:D:D:D:D
 
Dusty said:
[SIZE=+1]"That's my mom" [/SIZE]​




4 YEARS OF AGE My Mommy can do anything!
8 YEARS OF AGE My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 YEARS OF AGE My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.
14 YEARS OF AGE Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either.
16 YEARS OF AGE Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 YEARS OF AGE That old woman? She's way out of date!
25 YEARS OF AGE Well, she might know a little bit about it.
35 YEARS OF AGE Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.
45 YEARS OF AGE Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
65 YEARS OF AGE Wish I could talk it over with Mom.....
Click to expand...
Truer words were never spoken.:)
 
[SIZE=+1]Escape" [/SIZE]​




You are in a steel room with no windows, doors or openings. All you have is a matchbook... how do you get out?
Answer: Strike One! Strike Two! Strike Three...You're Out!
 
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